M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Wednesday, September 15, 2004  

Humpblog (9/15/04)

Tonight at the Kieran's Pub Quiz, I went to the restroom. Which is not surprising, given that the average tenancy of a pint of beer in my system is approximately forty-three seconds. Anyway, piled in one corner of the stall, between the terlet and the wall, was a shredded pair of Fruit of the Looms. I wouldn’t have even recognized them as such but for the distinctive "FTL" logo on the mostly intact waistband. These unders had suffered catastrophic structural failure.

As I said when I got back to the table, I'd been in plenty of bathrooms where the plumbing was broken, but this was the first time I'd seen one with broken underwear. DragonAttack advised me to be careful. And indeed I was, for my eight hundred subsequent trips to the biffy over the course of the evening.

* * *

Yesterday was Trash and my thirteenth wedding anniversary. I don't feel unlucky in the slightest.

* * *

Speaking of domestic bliss, this just in, courtesy of the aforementioned Trash:

Associated Press September 10, 2004
DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. -- A man who swung an alligator at his girlfriend during an argument was sentenced to six months in jail. David Havenner, 41, pleaded no contest to misdemeanor charges of battery and possession of an alligator, said Linda Pruitt, spokeswoman for the State Attorney's Office.


What? There's no separate law on the books for alligator possession with intent to batter?

Sheriff's officials said Havenner was keeping the 3-foot gator in his bathtub and swung it at his girlfriend, Nancy Monico, 39, during an argument on July 16. Monico told investigators that Havenner beat her with his fists, then grabbed the gator and swung it at her as she tried to escape. The gator struck Monico at least once. Havenner then threw empty beer bottles at her and kicked her out of their mobile home, she told investigators. Havenner told investigators that Monico bit his hand because she was upset that they had run out of alcohol.

She should be happy they ran out of alcohol. Full beer bottles hurt a lot more when someone throws them at you, I suspect.

The alligator was later released into the St. Johns River, wildlife commission officials said.

Dude, what are you doing swinging the alligator? The alligator is already the perfect killing machine, okay? Tens of millions of years of evolution have not been able to improve the alligator's lethality, yet you presume to think that just because you have opposable thumbs and a rudimentary understanding of the laws of centrifugal force, you're going to be able to kick things up a notch?

It's common sense. If you're trying to kill someone with an alligator, let the alligator do the work. If I've taught you people nothing else in these pages, at least know that.

* * *

Oh, sorry, did I leave you hanging on the Pub Quiz? Wondering how we did? Well, obviously if we had won, I wouldn't be burying the lede like this. It was pretty clear from round one that we were destined for the middle of the pack. Trash and Linda were there, of course. But DragonAttack was filling in for G. Grod (her second Quiz), and ZV's girlfriend was in for him (her first Quiz!), so I think we did pretty well for a team that was composed of 40% substitutes. Once again, the Quizmaster had failed to get our trophies from our July Quiz victory ready in time, so we went home empty-handed. Again.

Oh, wait. Now that I think of it, we did get those gift certificates and t-shirts for winning first place.

Yes, we won again. Our third Pub Quiz victory in four months. Sadly there's not a special trophy for that, like there is for the unprecedented threepeat. Unless there is, and it's bupkes, in which case we already have it.

We feel extra special, having just won the historic fiftieth Kieran's Pub Quiz. Winning the forty-seventh and forty-eighth were pretty special, too, but there's something about round numbers. I think it's their roundness.

More on that Friday, perhaps.

Today's best search phrase: "Brita pitcher urine." Ain't enough filters in the world, my friend.

posted by M. Giant 9:16 PM 10 comments

10 Comments:

Happy belated anniversary to you and Trash! Also, I really enjoyed hearing your story about Strat and the cell phone, although I kept thinking to myself, "Drat! I WISH that phone had vibrated!" (My cat Yuki seems to believe that it's perfectly okay to try and take over my laptop and employ it as a low-grade warming device while I'm trying to write.)

By Blogger Artichoke Heart, at September 15, 2004 at 10:21 PM  

Congrats on the anniversary! I am totally in denial about the fact it's been that many years. But you kids are happy, and you give me hope for the future.

I don't even wanna know about the underwear. When I find shredded drawers, at least there's a recent car wreck or alligator attack as part of the story.

...and also congrats on the Quiz! I think it's odd; we won #47. Geek Spice and I (I'm giving the girlfriend the code name "Geek Spice") were in Vermont for #48, and you won that. I came back for #49, and we didn't win that one... and now I have to work and GS goes in for me for #50, and you win. Just remember: 'correlation does not prove causation.'

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 16, 2004 at 6:47 AM  

(Oh, that was me. Anonymously. Ooooooo...)

-Zen Viking

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 16, 2004 at 6:50 AM  

Congrats on the win. You guys have become a dynasty of sorts. I read in Miss Alli's blog that you have entertainment guys from the newspaper (Neal Justin) playing against you, and you still won. That rocks the house.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 16, 2004 at 7:51 AM  

Make sure you check out Linda's entry as well -- between Velcrometer and Frolic and Detour, it's like you're there with us, but with less swearing. and beer.

-Trash

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 16, 2004 at 8:09 AM  

Happy anniversary, you two! I swear to the good Lord above, I WILL celebrate my next wedding anniversary by having my husband throw empty beer bottles at me as I hastily escape a trailer. I will record it, burn it to a cd, and send it to family and friends as a memento of the occasion. How could those folks engage in this behavior without dissolving into each others' arms in uncontrollable laughter? Never mind the alligator swinging. --Laura

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 17, 2004 at 8:33 AM  

Thanks for the 'gator advise... now I know not to swing my gator in anager, but let him do all the work for me. Whew - almost made a fatal mistake!

Happy Anniversary!

By Blogger Amnesia, at September 17, 2004 at 1:39 PM  

Ahh, Happy Anniversary! It's nice to read about people who have been married for a while and are still happy. Here's to many more years in the future.

Just one question - why no kids yet?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 17, 2004 at 3:57 PM  

I am really REALLY hoping that in your evaluation of your victory, you are not underestimating nor under-appreciating the force of nature that IS DragonAttack, aka the one, the only RockSnob. Therein lies a veritable fountain of music trivia, a pierced and tattooed textbook, if you will, of all that is harmonious and true.

Having said that, here's hoping you slapped the hooey out of her if she missed anything involving Glam Rock circa 1977.

Jen

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 17, 2004 at 9:36 PM  

Happy anniversary! And also happy pub quiz victory. We might be coming to Mpls sometime in Oct., maybe I can pinch hit. But my knowledge is limited to petty street crime and Civilization III.
-Lawre

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 18, 2004 at 7:19 PM  

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