M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Wednesday, January 05, 2005  

Humpblog (1/05/05)

Overheard while putting away clean laundry the other day:

“Why are the legs of these pants all knotted up like this?”

“Well, they’re yoga pants, aren’t they?”

* * *

I’m nobody’s brain trust at the best of times, but when I first wake up, look out. Especially now that I’m waking up every night to help take care of the baby. So particularly look out if you are the baby.

Not long ago, I got up, mixed the proper pre-measured amount of water with the proper pre-measured amount of formula, stirred it up well, picked up the baby, settled him in my lap in his favorite feeding position (reclined), picked up the bottle, and inverted it over M. Tiny’s mouth preparatory to slipping in the nipple. Whereupon I realized—too late—that I had forgotten to screw the nipple back on.

Yes, I literally threw my son’s drink in his face.

He took it really well. In fact, he had no reaction at all. He just gazed up at me, silently, calmly, with formula dripping from his nose, mouth, jowls, neck, and pajama top. I was so grateful that he’s not old enough to realize that he’d just been dissed as badly as he’s ever likely to be dissed by an adult in his life. He minded the wiping more than anything else.

Trash took the kid from me before I accidentally set him on fire or something. While she took care of him, I went downstairs, knocked a bunch of shit over in the kitchen, tripped over my own feet, and nearly fell out the bathroom window while peeing.

These are the moments we’ll look back on fondly one day. Perhaps on a day when he's old enough to laugh at me for knocking my glasses into the toilet or something.

* * *

Overheard while putting away Christmas stuff the other day:

“Aw, look at Turtle, sitting in that empty storage bin.”

“Yeah. She’s a box Turtle.”

* * *

Heard on the local 80s radio station during the past holiday season:

“That was ‘The Little Drummer Boy,’ from Bing Crosby and David Bowie. Those two can sing together thanks to modern technology.”

Actually, I was under the impression that they were able to sing together on account of being in the same room at the same time once, back in the 70s. Modern technology was a lot less modern and a lot more literal back then.

* * *

Today's best search phrase: "krispy creme guitar pedal brian may -donut." I thought DragonAttack knew the search phrase contest was long over. I'll have to remind her, I guess.

posted by M. Giant 8:28 PM 8 comments

8 Comments:

I -loved- the contest. Every now and then I still try to get the day's best search phrase, but now I must weep because I didn't come up with this one.

-DragonAttack

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 5, 2005 at 10:27 PM  

I'm a sucker for a good pun. And a bad pun. Any pun, really.

By Blogger Katanma, at January 5, 2005 at 10:30 PM  

I thought since Bing and Bowie's rendition of "The Little Drummer Boy" came out after Bing Crosby's death, I guess I assumed it was one of those computer generated gigs like Natalie Cole singing "Unforgettable" with her father (which if I'm not mistaken came out about the same time). I googled to check your facts (I assumed you'd fallen out the bathroom window on that one) and discovered that they recorded the song together in London for a Christmas special a month before Crosby died in '77. Damn M. Giant, even without sleep, you're good.

By Blogger Liz, at January 6, 2005 at 3:45 AM  

Yep, Bing Crosby and David Bowie did really sing together. My parents actually have it on tape so I have seen it with my own eyes. (It was from a different "Best of Christmas Specials" Christmas special done years later.)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 6, 2005 at 4:28 AM  

I lurved that Bing/Bowie duet - the two of them around the piano, looking so comfortable and crooning so sweetly. o'Course I was only 3 at the time, so I remember it from that best of christmas specials special.

Putting two super-diverse artists together is a great idea - Ray Charles and Travis Tritt on CMT's Crossroads was another major "WOW" for me. Hearing the Georgia natives collaborate on a Blues riff was a highlight...

On the throwing of the drink - I did the same thing to my niece, only I forgot to screw on the top, so she had the nipple in her mouth and formula ALL OVER her face, hair, onesie...She kept sucking and blinking away the formula from her eyes with the expression of confused consternation on her face, like "this was not how I expected this to work." Sister was NOT so amused as I.

By Blogger Michelle, at January 6, 2005 at 6:16 AM  

You are what you eat... not you WEAR what you eat.

I used to feed my daughter in bed after I stopped well... breastfeeding because she needed more food. I'd lay on my side, prop the bottle up, and let it lean on my while she fed herself. I fell asleep like that often, only to awake to her screaming and trying to reach the bottle that had landed somewhere over her head or off to the side.

By Blogger Lish, at January 6, 2005 at 6:39 AM  

No, the Natalie Cole thing didn't happen until the late 80s. That definitely wasn't released in 77.

By Blogger Stephanie, at January 6, 2005 at 9:41 AM  

As long as Xmas village survived the M. Giant Kong attack, we can sleep easy. I didn't even get to see it this year. I'm seriously thinking about coming up to your house (I know, it's like 7 hours away, we'll never show up to your baby shower...) and shooting a movie in xmas village using the army men and maybe some other random not-to-scale figures. It could be like Frosty the Snowman on acid. M. Giant, you should get started on the script. You know if I write it, there's gonig to be all sorts of gratuitous nudity in it...

By Blogger chao, at January 7, 2005 at 7:17 AM  

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