M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Monday, January 17, 2005  

As is now a tradition, I (Trash) am breaking into Velcrometer on M. Giant's birthday. However, unlike years past, I don’t have any funny poems, or terrible puns, or comments by friends. The lack of organization can, I think, be attributed to a number of issues (and one rather large one by the name of M. Tiny), but perhaps you – his readers – might be willing to step in where I have failed.

M. Giant loves nothing more than a good pun – and by good, I mean bad. He also loves terrible poetry. Should you feel so inspired, perhaps his readership might feel led to make use of the comments section in this blog, to leave the gift of bad writing. If you are looking for inspiration, please check out last year’s poems

Finally, a private message for the man himself – so I will, of course, post it here. I love you, darling. Thank you for so many wonderful, wonderful years, and for remaining the most coolio man on the planet. Also, thanks for not sucking as a dad.

Love,
Trash, M. Tiny, Strat, Phantom. Turtle, and Orca.

posted by M. Giant 11:26 PM 28 comments

28 Comments:

Ahh, happy b-day M. Giant. I suck at puns, but I hope that you have a great birthday!

Anne

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 17, 2005 at 10:46 PM  

Happy birthday M Giant!
The first time I read your blog I laughed so hard some Sprite ended up on top of my head.
I don't know any bad puns, so I found this for you at badpuns.com

A subservient fish is one that knows his plaice.

Best wishes
Jez

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 18, 2005 at 12:44 AM  

Happy Birthday, M. Giant.

Bad poetry for you:

M. Giant's birthday
Is a day to celebrate.
Because he is cool.

(Aw, the bad haiku. It never fails.)

And a bad pun (Because I am NOT creative -- see haiku for evidence -- I found this online):

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

By Blogger DeAnn, at January 18, 2005 at 2:39 AM  

Happy Birthday M.Giant, and thanks for all the great writing here and on TWoP.

Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

Libby.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 18, 2005 at 3:29 AM  

Once while at Television Without Pity
While looking for some X-Files miscellany,
I noticed a link
For Damn Hell Ass Kings,
And the rest, as they say, is history.

But, wait - since i have space to proselytize
About Velcometer as the blog to prize,
I'll praise M. Giant -
His humor as reliant
As Minnesota's icy winter skies.


And the stolen bad pun -

I know a farmer who has 200 head of cattle. He thought there were only 196 until he rounded them up.

Happy Birthday. M. Giant! Hope it's a wonderful one!

Tammy - who was too lazy to open an actual account.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 18, 2005 at 4:57 AM  

These aren't mine, because I'm not funny and have been hit with Insomnia Jack.

Why I don’t take advice.

“On the one hand,” she said, “maybe she’s playing hard-to-get. But on the other hand, maybe she just doesn’t realize you’re interested. Then again, on the other hand, maybe she likes locks more than keys. Or, maybe, on the other hand, she has a long-distance boyfriend in
Virginia, no wait, on the other hand, maybe it’s Germany. Hmm, but on the other hand, maybe she’s just not interested. No, on the other hand, make that slighly repulsed. Umm, positively disgusted. On the other hand...” “Thanks for nothing,” I replied.

I knew I shouldn’t have got love advice from an octopus.

(from the heuristic squelch, which is somewhere)

Back when I was a young lad
We made our own oxygen by
bashing hydrogen and oxygen together.

Happy birthday cool dude!

By Blogger Anna, at January 18, 2005 at 7:00 AM  

And Dorothy woke up. "I just had a crazy dream with little people, flying monkeys, a crazy old green lady in a hat, and drug-induced hallucinations. And you were, and you and you and you! Auntie, you were there, too, but you were much, much bigger. From now on, I'm going to call you Auntie Em Giant."

Happy Birthday!

Ryan

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 18, 2005 at 7:49 AM  

Two birds were sitting on a perch. One looked at the other and said, "Do you smell fish?"
Sorry, that's all I got. Happy Birthday!
-An anonymous non-blogger accounted reader

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 18, 2005 at 9:46 AM  

What a year that M.Giant has had!
Wrote for radio, became a dad,
Published too! So I’m thinkin’
He should do lots of drinkin’!
(Or at least a nap might not be bad.)

Happy birthday!

By Blogger Omega, at January 18, 2005 at 10:10 AM  

You know how hard this is, in a year with... all THAT, plus a Joke Show?

Still...

He is the very model of the modern blog celebrity,
His prose makes up in wit what sometimes it might lack in brevity.
In cataloguing his adventures, epic and quotidian,
He never fails to get the news (yea, even when it's shitty) in.

He got a kid, he lost a job, he had a scrambled temp'ral lobe.
He lost a cat, he got two more, and sort of had a year like Job,
But through it all, he kept us up-to-date on more-or-less the key
Events, and thus he is the model of a blog celebrity.

We learned that it's a gas (and yet a pain) to work at Prairie Home;
That stepping in his poo will tickle Tiny's little funny bone;
That publishing is possible when writing plays iambic'lly,
When you're the very model of a modern blog celebrity.

Ooooooooooooohhhhhhh,

Wednesday is the Hump-Blog, and at end-of-month, it's Reader Mail,
And in between there's something odd occuring, almost without fail.
He keeps us all abreast of friends with secretive identities,
He is the very model of the modern blog celebrity!

...

Happy Birthday, big guy! I'm down with M-dot-G (yeah, you know me).

By Blogger Febrifuge, at January 18, 2005 at 11:33 AM  

There once was a man from Minnesota
Whose wit was sharp, much like Yoda.

He doesn't have a canine with a name like Rover
No, he has cats...who like to work him over.

I discovered the wit that is this man
While reading a summary of 24 while on the can.

I laughed and snickered at his snarks --
My chortling in the bathroom made the dog bark.

When I returned to my computer, I searched for more
There had to be a story, a legend, some lore!

I linked my way through and found Velcrometer
Not much rhymes with that besides "barometer."

I love the stories, the humor, the fun
I always make sure to visit before my day is done.

You don't know me, I'm from the east coast
Despite the NY license, I'm nicer than most.

You know you're a lucky man; we needn't tell you that
For having all you have is a life very phat.

Your wife - understanding and tolerant
Quite the trooper.

And your new son M. Tiny
A ferocious pooper.

By Blogger J, at January 18, 2005 at 2:25 PM  

Happy Birthday, M. Giant!

These are oldies but goodies - but my favorites!

Q: What do the Irish sit on outside?
A: Paddy O'Furniture

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer.

The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"

The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?"

The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."

The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."

The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"

The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"

The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."

The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me."

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not ever sure what it is."

The manager says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

- JeniMull

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 18, 2005 at 2:47 PM  

Not new, but these are favorites of mine!

Q: What do you call a bunch of Irish chairs sitting outside?
A: Paddy O'Furniture

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer.

The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"

The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?"

The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."

The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."

The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"

The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"

The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."

The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not ever sure what it is."

The manager says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 18, 2005 at 3:47 PM  

Hey! The gift didn't rhyme but Phil gave you a great elimination for your birthday! And it is a gift we can all share! Happy Day!

By Blogger Theresa, at January 18, 2005 at 8:05 PM  

There once was a man from up yonder,
Who had too much time to ponder.
He wrote up a bloq,
(Quite a personal log)
And now he has less time to squander.

Happy Birthday M. Giant!

“I wonder if old-time horror movie directors sit around and reminisce about the gory days?”

By Blogger Katy-Maty, at January 19, 2005 at 7:37 AM  

Define horticulture.

"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."

Har har! Happy Birthday!

By Blogger Rebecca, at January 19, 2005 at 9:51 AM  

I have no bad poetry. I have a bad knock knock joke that probably won't go over, but it made the D&Ders laugh their asses off, so here goes:

PQIF: Knock, knock.
MG: Who's there?
PQIF: Cthul.
MG: Cthul who?
PQIF: (makes sucking flobbery sounds, waves arms/fingers at M. Giant in manner of tentacles.)

Happy birthday!

By Blogger parcequilfaut, at January 19, 2005 at 11:42 AM  

Here's a long, shaggy-dog story with a pun at the end that I will attempt to condense in the spirit of natal felicitations:

A famous tea expert was ready to retire when he heard of a tea that he had not yet tried, an Australian tea made from koalas. Of course he decided he could not rest until he had sampled this koala tea. After much travel and trial and tribulation, he arrived in the town of Mercy, where finally he was served a mug of the steaming brew. He sipped, then grimaced and spit it out. "There is fur in this!" he complained. "Of course," came the response, "for the koala tea of mercy is not strained."

- Veronica

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 19, 2005 at 1:03 PM  

I guess it's more of a joke, but still...

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.

I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel.

I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the
dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" she said, and hung up.

Happy birthday, M. Giant!

*angie

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 19, 2005 at 2:47 PM  

Ahhh, Trash's message to M. Giant was so sweet (yes, I cheated) and then, she signed it from Orca, too. Happy and sad tears, all at once.

Happy birthday, and thank you for keeping us in stitches every week. Oh, and thank you for the 24 marathon last week. You are amazing!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 19, 2005 at 2:54 PM  

Ahhh, Trash's message to M. Giant was so sweet (yes, I cheated) and then, she signed it from Orca, too. Happy and sad tears, all at once.

Happy birthday, and thank you for keeping us in stitches every week. Oh, and thank you for the 24 marathon last week. You are amazing!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 19, 2005 at 2:54 PM  

Ahhh, Trash's message to M. Giant was so sweet (yes, I cheated) and then, she signed it from Orca, too. Happy and sad tears, all at once.

Happy birthday, and thank you for keeping us in stitches every week. Oh, and thank you for the 24 marathon last week. You are amazing!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 19, 2005 at 2:55 PM  

Ahhh, Trash's message to M. Giant was so sweet (yes, I cheated) and then, she signed it from Orca, too. Happy and sad tears, all at once.

Happy birthday, and thank you for keeping us in stitches every week. Oh, and thank you for the 24 marathon last week. You are amazing!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 19, 2005 at 2:57 PM  

Happy birthday, M. Giant! Best wishes. No puns. But best wishes.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 19, 2005 at 6:49 PM  

Sorry this is late, but here's my attempt at bad poetry:
***
M. Giant, what a year for you has past
(I read all your exploits eagerly)
Experiences that are unsurpassed
For you things turn out most peculiarly

"I write for Garrison Keillor," oh! what luck-
The perfect place your writing craft to hone.
But then the old heave-ho, the schmucks
I guess you'll have to leave your Prairie Home.

The dawning of the Pub Quiz! What a lark!
Your music knowledge is your secret weapon.
Don't let your teammates throw you off the mark,
And once again "Third Place Dick" will threaten.

Orca's departure happened far too soon
And left your readers weeping at their desks
So get two more—a little kitty boon!
The crazy of your house leaves me impressed.

"We're having a baby" oh! what joy!
"In two more months M.Tiny will be here."
Two scant weeks later (that clever little boy)
Your baby came, and how we did all cheer.

I've lurked and laughed, I've chuckled, cried, and cheered
While reading all the exploits of your life.
(I hope you like this rhymed recap of your year.)
Here's to you and Trash—and your 2005!
***
Happy birthday, and thanks for sharing with us!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 19, 2005 at 9:48 PM  

A ship of marine biologists, out on an expedition, came across a pod of whales. Unable to identify the species by sight alone, the biologists dropped microphones into the water and recorded the whales' calls.

Eventually they recognized a pattern: two-hour blocks of "conversation" and laughter-like noises interspersed with whale songs. At the end of each block, one of the older male whales would call with sounds that described an isolated northern region of the sea.

Upon deciphering the pattern, the head biologist cried, "Aha!" "What species are they?" asked her amazed assistants. "Isn't it obvious?" she replied. "They're Keillor whales."

Many happy birthday wishes from a fan.
~ Ellie

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 19, 2005 at 11:13 PM  

Albeit a little late, here are the top ten funniest puns, as listed by www.punoftheday.com
1. The apple crossed the street because he wanted to get to the other cider the road.
2. He didn't want to get a shot because it would be a pain in the butt.
3. When James Bond slept through the earthquake, he was shaken but not stirred.
4. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
5. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
6. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
7. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
10. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

By Blogger Shannon, at January 20, 2005 at 5:26 PM  

OFF TOPIC! Fun things to do....
Please Delete this post if this is not ok!

Inspirational Posters

Adult Sexo Novelties

Sex & Swingers Personals

Free Online Poker

BDSM & Alternative Personals

By Anonymous Anonymous, at February 8, 2005 at 8:56 PM  

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