Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks
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M. Giant's Velcrometer Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks |
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Saturday, January 17, 2004 January 18th is M. Giant's birthday, and once again, I (Trash) have hijacked his blog. In honor of his big day, several of his favorite web writers have created some special birthday greetings, just for him. Keep in mind that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that M. Giant loves more than bad poetry and misused puns. Happy Birthday, M. Giant. May you continue to amuse us in the years ahead. ************************************************ Watching Alice in Wonderland Made Me Write This by Keckler Of psycho squirrels and growing grass, MmmGiant does so blogeth Once he even wrote a piece of fitting window glass There's one in partic I liked so well I forwarded it across the land It told a tale of catching Strat And peeing on his hand But now he's gone and made it big with a national story man We only hope he does not forget his clutch of drooling fans ***** An Annotated Poem by Keckler M Giant is this guy I "know" Who makes some funny words I read out loud, I read in quiet I even tell the birds (in a world where cats are birds) M Giant is this guy I "know" He lives right near my school If I had one in my yard I'd let him use my pool (but not to pee in) M. Giant is this guy I "know" Whose birthday now is here So I'll tell you sweet and I'll tell you purple His humor has no peer (unless he doesn't think I'm funny in which case I take it all back) ************ The storms rage all around while i stand here looking at you but all you talk about is cat pee and cat poo gross. here's to you M. Giant on your birthday! Regan ************ M. Giant (A rhyming poem) I like M. Giant, Upon him I'm reliant, And I've found him quite pliant, So unlike Gumbel, Bryant, What's he drive? A Reliant! Oh, fuck. I already used "reliant." Of shame, I shall die-ant. These shit rhymes, I'm gonna cry-ant, Why did I agree to write this, oh why-ant? I'm a fool, I want to die-ant. Thanks a fucking lot, M. Giant. Omar ************ Between My Lines -by Pamela Ribon They told me Just today That it was Your Birthday. Or Is, rather, I suppose. Your birthday, I mean. And by "told" I mean I opened an electronic piece of mail As I do in the mornings Afternoons And evenings -- Around once an hour, I guess, if we're being honest now Truly Honest Now. Anyhoo, it's your birthday. How does that Make me Feel? At first, a slight numbing Under my eyes Where a blush would go Had we ever kissed Or shared a tender moment in the past. Then my stomach Made a bit of a rumble Reminding me not that I yearn for you O, near perfect stranger. But rather, That I hadn't yet finished My morning toast (buttered, never with jelly; I pretend marmalade doesn't exist (like how you pretend I never exist (like how I never pretend we once met (like how I never forget that one night (we never shared (you were so kind (you were so gentle (you were so invisible (see my invisible blush now? ))))))))) I drink more coffee Swallow the warmth (I swallow. I swallow.) And wonder: Why I don't love Someone I'll never know? You might be worthy of love (as am I. O, how worthy am I. I am rockin' it in this body, my friend, and most of the world will never know (i am so lonely please somebody find me i miss human contact holy shit i miss real people (but not the show because i am not that crazy yet) i am pretending to take part in an internet portal fun birthday celebration just so i can reach a wider audience to scream out !!!somebody help me!!! i am trapped in a world that I have created for myself because i used to think people were annoying and irritating but now i realize that we need other people. My head hurts every day from all the crying -- (ROTFL, W00T, YMMV, LOL, IMHO, FWIW, JM2C, KILL ME (This is the life of a dedicated internet hermit (don't weep for me (my dsl does it effortlessly. )))))) . ************ Velcrometer is my favorite blog because he talks about cats named Orca and Strat, then warns of the perils of renting a ladder. Those are his selling points, which means that M. Giant is a dork. A lawn- seeding, extra-room- painting, comedy-writing, super-dorky dork. Your Pal, DragonAttack. ************ Higgeldy piggeldy Jeff of Velcrometer from Minnesota, home to the Vikings. If he'd been female, would "Valkyrie-ometer" have become part of an epic Webring? -- Strega ************ Stopping By Velcrometer On A Snowy Evening Whose blog this is I think I know. He's off writing for Keillor, though; He will not see me reading here About...not meter, nor Velcro. His patient wife must think it queer That emailers like hives appear At mention of an ailing cat Or Christmas lights, or hazmat gear. But it's his birthday, and for that I write a poem, and doff my hat To Alexander's natal day, And find a rhyme for "vampire bat." The poem is dreadful, sad to say. The reader should get combat pay. Yeah, sorry, dude. Happy birthday. Yeah, sorry, dude. Happy birthday. - Sarah ************ RHYMING ODE TO M. GIANT Today is the birthday of one Mr. M. Giant! If he were heavy machinery he'd be OSHA compliant. He's more impressive than the biggest bra at Lane Bryant. In the Hair Club for Men, he'd be president and a client. He'd be a mighty and fearsome--but cuddly-- tyrant. He is the crème de la crème. He doesn't hawk up his phlegm. Hey there, Mr. Giant! Can I call you just "M."? -- Wendy ************ The grimmer the news on the falling thermometer, The better the thought of a brand-new Velcrometer. Or even, perhaps, you might use a bolometer, To measure the warmth of your favorite Velcrometer. The sun is quite bright, says this swell actinometer, But not half as bright as a brand-new Velcrometer. While tracking the clouds with your trusty ceilometer, Look! Up in the sky! It's your good friend Velcrometer. The earth shook (I saw it on my own seismometer) The day I first read the bodacious Velcrometer. I'm not sure why you would need a densitometer, I do know we all need a sparkly Velcrometer. Got engines? Please check them with your dynamometer, Then turn your attention to reading Velcrometer. Don't work out too hard, you may break the ergometer, Stop sweating and go read an archived Velcrometer. You can study ozone on a spectrophotometer, Thank God there are no holes in good old Velcrometer. You don't measure pies with a big piezometer, You don't measure Velcro by using Velcrometer. "Tomatoes look fine" says the old tenderometer, But please, do not throw them at this week's Velcrometer. I bought me a new microspectrophotometer, And now that I'm broke, I have only Velcrometer. I could do this all day, by my handy chronometer, But that would take up all the space in Velcrometer. Linda ************ "Ode to the Coolest" Allison Lowe-Huff There once was a man called M. Giant, Who everyone thought was compliant. But he lived in the cold; Man, he got old; And, each year, just a bit more defiant. M. Giant? I feel like I've lost him. The last time I saw him was Austin. Where we rocked through the night, In a Shack of Delight, And all his fans tried to accost him. I'm saying, I've seen this man rock the house, Despite seeming sweet as a mouse. So, don't let him fool you; He really could school you; And, probably, so could his spouse. It's his birthday today, yes, we know. And though his true age doesn't show, He is an old guy, He really can't lie, Because time? It sticks like velcro. ************ "It's a double-dactyl" Foobady boobady M. Giant's Velcrometer Features a humorous Style and tone. Today, a surprise as a Gift for his birthday: un- characteristically Covered in poems. --Monty ************ There once was a Giant named M. At JournalCon he was a gem The girls were atwitter "Wait, he's married? Oh, shitter." Heartbreak he gave all of them. So now on the day of his birth With limericks lacking in mirth I honor his powers To render cold showers While smugly displaying his girth. Get your mind out of the gutter! I meant his great height, so don't sputter. He's witty and kind And quick to remind He loves him some Trash, more than butter. "Than butter"? I know, it was lame; These limericks truly a shame. My Home is no Prairie, My rhyming is scary -- Happy day to dear M. all the same. -- Pineapple Girl ************ There once was a guy named M. Giant Who didn't act like Kobe Bryant. A superior man he is sweeter than flan and as clever as he is brilliant. M. Giant lives in Minnesota where he needs snow tires on his Toyota Does he drive one of those? Friends, I do not knows But I needed a rhyme for this ode-a. "An ode? It's a limerick, you tool!" you may say as you think me a fool Excuse the caprice fucking poem police For M. Giant we break every rule. Today is M. Giant's birthday And he's old but he needs no toupee So let's fix a cocktail And with toasts we'll regale This guy who likes cheesy wordplay. AB posted by M. Giant 9:22 PM 0 comments 0 Comments:
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