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Thursday, February 14, 2013  

M. Giant and Trash's VD Playlist

This is the 22nd Valentine's Day that Trash and I have been married. Our plans for the evening include me covering three hours of TV for TWoP and her having a work dinner with her boss before teaching a class. So clearly Valentine's Day isn't a big deal for us.

But in honor of the holiday, Trash had the idea of sharing some of our favorite pop songs that reflect the most effed-up perspectives on romance. And like I said, I have three hours of TV to do tonight, so this is going to be quick.

"Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" by Rupert Holmes

Two reprehensible liars in a loveless relationship separately make clandestine plans to cheat on each other. This dark morality play careens inevitably to a Kafkaesque climax in which each of these human wastelands is subjected to the ultimate punishment: ending up with each other.

"All I Want to Do Is Make Love to You" by Heart

So many couples struggle with the heartbreak of infertility, and sink thousands of dollars into drastic treatments that sometimes don't work, and often lead to tragic effects like Gosselinism. Ann & Nancy Wilson propose an alternate solution: go out and get yourself impregnated by some random. This easy fix has the advantage of allowing one to avoid painful things like injections, medical tests, and conversations.

"To Be With You" by Mr. Big

It's common for a love song to be about a grand gesture, like walking five hundred miles and then walking five hundred more. In this case, the singer boasts about what he was willing to do to prove his feelings to his true love: he waited on a line. Yes, the rest of the song is basically about the narrator cheering up the unfortunate woman having belated regrets about ever agreeing to participate in what promises to become a never-ending gang bang so he can be sure to get his sloppy fifty-seconds before the window of opportunity closes, but the true message resonates: find the person who's right for you, and take a number.

"More Than Words" by Xtreme

Such sweet harmonies. Such a soothing melody. Such gentle guitar chords. All in the service of the message, "Shut up and let's have sex already."

"The Search is Over" by Survivor

Less on this list for the song than the video, which showed the lead singer daily getting out of the bed he shared with a woman, then spending his days looking for true love while she moped under the blankets on the soundstage they called home. Presumably he was holding out for a girl who actually got up once in a while, but by the end of the video exhaustion overtakes him as well and he decides to settle for her after all. Yay?

So happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Feel free to add your own twisted favorites in the comments. And enjoy the earworms.

posted by M. Giant 4:43 PM 4 comments


Holy buckets, "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" is the *worst*. It usually takes me a whole five-minute speech about venereal disease and weird marriage dynamics to say what you did in a paragraph.

Another "favorite" is "Sometimes When We Touch." I picture the singer as Gabe from the US version of "The Office."

By Blogger Unknown, at February 15, 2013 at 7:31 AM  

Omg. I remember when I first actually paid attn to the lyrics of "all i want to do" (1990? 91?) and was gobsmacked how awful they were. The music is fine for their pop phase, but jesusgodno on the bareback sex with a hitchhiker.

By Blogger ureallyannoyme, at February 18, 2013 at 6:07 PM  

So glad I'm not the only one who finds More Than Words dodgy as hell. Pretty, yes, but also really quite skeevy.

By Anonymous lsn, at March 16, 2013 at 7:04 PM  

Also to add my current favourite dodgy "love" song - Driveby, by Train. That is not so much "love" as a really ordinary one night stand followed by stalking. Not Cool.

By Anonymous lsn, at March 16, 2013 at 7:07 PM  

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