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Thursday, January 05, 2012  

M. Ovie Reviews: New Year's Eve

You know how there are some movies you don't think you'll like at all, but then you see them and your low expectations make them seem so much better by comparison? New Year's Eve is not one of those movies. I hated it even more than I expected to, which I did not think was possible.

In case you're blissfully unaware of the existence of this abomination, Garry Marshall has shat out another Love, Actually ripoff, with a sprawling cast of previously respectable stars phoning in mini-performances in a series of holiday-centered vignettes that all intersect at one point or another in the larger arc. It's one of those films where you can't help rolling your eyes every time the paths of characters from different story lines cross each other's, because it's all so contrived and forced and oh my God I'm actually making it sound better than it is.

The good news is that in this over-blended dog's breakfast of a couple hundred other (and better) romantic comedies, no one storyline is inflicted upon us for very long. The bad news is that every bad storyline always seems to give way to a worse one. Don't ask me how this is possible.

Trash (who sent Chao and me to see this turd, may she melt in Hell) didn't believe us when we got back and ran down the litany of familiar actors and even more familiar plots that were firehosed at us for two hours. You probably won't either, so let's just say that the cast of slumming thousands included not one Oscar winner, not two Oscar winners, not three Oscar winners, but FOUR FUCKING ACADEMY AWARD WINNERS. Revoke every last one of them, I don't care. Katherine Heigl was in it too, somehow quintessentially. She probably could have played every part and it would have been just as good.

So to sum up, New Year's Eve is a terrible movie, full of terrible people acting the way nobody acts and doing things nobody does and talking the way nobody talks, in storylines that were on the whole less believable than anything that happened in the entirety of The Muppets. By the time the allegedly funny outtakes rolled, we were so starved for actual entertainment that we chuckled once.

But I think the worst part is that the inspirational speech that one character gives, that completely transfixes the world for no damn reason, which you think signals that the movie is almost over and you can go home? You're only halfway done, my friend. That's just shitty.

posted by M. Giant 9:48 PM 5 comments


You had me convinced at "Katherine Heigl was in it too."

Although it sounds so insufferable that I'm tempted to go see it ... you know, the way we just HAVE to look at the train wreck.

By Blogger Shelia, at January 6, 2012 at 6:25 AM  

I'm inspired to post a link to the blog I wrote about 'valentine's Day'; both movie and review feature similar themes. You might be interested to take a look... oh, who am I kidding, but I'd hate myself if I didn't take a shot.


By Blogger Mark, at January 6, 2012 at 2:26 PM  

Was there at least slow clapping during the inspirational speech?

By Blogger Unknown, at January 7, 2012 at 8:51 AM  

I give up. I only know of 3 actor/actresses who are Oscar winners even after scanning IMDB for New Year's Eve.

By Blogger Dils, at January 9, 2012 at 11:25 PM  

Did you lose a bet to Trash? Why else would she be THIS cruel?!

By Blogger DuchessKitty, at January 10, 2012 at 1:33 PM  

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