M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Tuesday, January 18, 2011  

Footwork

Part of Trash's job is to research stuff people ask her to research. Sometimes it's for other people in the company, sometimes it's for people in her department, sometimes (on rare occasions so it doesn't look like I'm taking advantage) it's even for me. Often, it's for her boss. Researching stuff is not only her job, but her superpower. You ask her to look into something, she won't just look into it. She'll stick her head in there so far that before long the only part of her you'll see is the soles of her feet. She'll disappear up its fundament and come back out the other end able to tell you how it works in ways that even it didn't know about.

But speaking of feet…

A few weeks ago, Trash got a request from her boss to do some in-depth research on pedicures. She even wanted her to get one. Take pictures. Video, if possible. Really learn all about the whole pedicure industry from the inside out. The whole Trash package.

Another thing you need to know about Trash is her atavistic aversion to all things feet. Feet are erogenous zones for some people. For Trash, they're the exact opposite. She doesn't want to be near them, she doesn't want to touch them, she doesn't want to think about them. If there were a way for her to leave them out on the front stoop when she came into the house, she would. She hates feet.

So listening to her boss outline everything she was going to have to endure with her feet was making her crazy -- although she was doing a fantastic job of hiding it.

In fact, here's how much Trash wants nothing to do with feet. A couple of nights before this call from her boss, she was talking with our friend Bitter about pedicures, and wondering why it's so expensive to just have someone paint your toenails. Bitter blithely explained about the trimming and the scraping and the rubbing, and before either of us knew it, Trash's own feet had completely failed her. Literally, she was suddenly forced to collapse to the floor in revulsion.

Which was, of course, the point at which I got the idea to have her boss ask her to research pedicures.

It was surprisingly easy. Trash's boss and I get along pretty well. We have several shared interests, the chief one being tormenting Trash. She IM'ed me with an unrelated question that morning and I bounced an answer back and said, "Hey, by the way, can you make up a reason to have Trash to research pedicures?" and while I was still formulating an explanation she was like, "Sure!" and the next thing I knew it was all set up.

So, among the many, many advantages of working at home, add to them this one: I got to listen to Trash's end of the conversation as her boss asked her to do something that gave her hives. And while listening, her boss and I were IMing back and forth. I felt like Ashton Kutcher with not as many Twitter followers.

Finally, I couldn't keep from laughing, and Trash busted us. But it was win-win-win, I think. Trash's boss and I had a good laugh, and Trash got to show her boss some real loyalty. It's not often you can mess with someone's head and advance their career at the same time.

And you should have seen her on Christmas when she opened the present I gave her: a gift card for a free pedicure. Magical.

posted by M. Giant 11:36 AM 3 comments

3 Comments:

This is why your marriage works so well: Mutual torment.

Please tell me that your librarian lady has read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which is also about a scary-good researcher (among other things).

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 18, 2011 at 1:03 PM  

Oh my god, you're awesome/evil. I despise feet in the same way, but have grown to love pedicures. Don't want to think about giving one, don't want to talk about or think about foot issues, maintain that ALL man feet are disgusting. However, once a month it's nice to get a massage and make my feet (which nobody sees) pretty.

Also I'm ridiculously ticklish, so I get to test the nail tech's reflexes with my random kicks.

By Blogger Maria, at January 18, 2011 at 6:03 PM  

I am so with Trash on this one. Feet are repulsive! If she ever comes across a means of leaving one's feet at the door in her research, please oh pretty please will she share it with me?

Also - your evil genius was, well, genius!

By Blogger Heather, at January 20, 2011 at 5:03 PM  

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