M. Giant's
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Monday, May 24, 2010  

Like a Grown-Up in a Candy Store

Last weekend, when we met Tara and Dave in Austin, there was one afternoon when they and Trash went shopping/exploring while M. Edium and I hung back at base camp. This worked out well, because Trash came back with a giant haul. OF CANDY.

As you know, I always like to try out new and unfamiliar kinds of sweets, especially when we travel. And Trash had some making up to do after the Razzles.

Things admittedly got off to a shaky start for the weekend. The first local delicacy I tried was something called a peanut pattie. It was shaped a lot like a cookie, but was really a disk of peanuts contained within some kind of sticky-sweet medium. It's more off-putting than it sounds, because that medium was bright red. It looked like the footprint if an elephant in a human being, if you were to carve away all the not-stepped on parts.

But that just came from the HEB supermarket. The real motherlode was the candy store, where I understand Tara and Dave helped with the selection. And nothing that follows is intended as a complaint against them, just to be clear.

First came the Paleta Payaso. Imagine if you will a chocolate Dilly Bar, but instead of ice cream on the inside it has a giant marshmallow. And then instead of the little coil on the front it has a cluster of gumdrops. I'll just say that M. Edium finished this one, although normally he's more discriminating.

Then there was the Buba Luba. This was at least shaped more like a traditional candy bar, and it even looked like one, with its chocolate shell. But then you bite into it and discover that you have a mouthful of marshmallow crème and strawberry-flavored inner tube. M. Edium finished that one for me as well.

The Old Faithful Peanut Cluster looks good on paper. It's peanuts and chocolate around a nougat core. But because it's almost completely shapeless, it doesn't look good on the counter. At all. In fact, it looks a bit like somebody flash-froze a loose stool. Which didn't stop me from eating it.

The very name of Doscher's Famous Banana Artificially Flavored French Chew Taffy contains at least one word that's a lie, and I think you can figure out which one it is. It's like a giant plank of banana Laffy Taffy, only it has better texture, flavor, and overall quality. It refuses to dry up and go stale, even though I've been working my way through it for a week. The only downside is that unlike Laffy Taffy, it doesn't have old jokes in the wrapper, so I had to provide my own:

Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't get through a revolving door?

A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Chewy Extinguisher is packaged in the form of a dare. The label literally includes the question, "How sour can you take it?" According to the front, the tangerine flavor is merely "tangy." The lemon is "sour." The lime is "SUPER SOUR!" And then, in its own separate little partition like it's a candy DLT, the berry is supposedly "sweet relief!" All four taste almost exactly the same to me. I think I'm doing it wrong.

There was also a "Big Kat." It's a Kit Kat that doesn't come in the familiar modular segment form. Instead, it's one large ingot of solid Kit Kat goodness. I think that's so that when some annoying person comes up to you and says, "break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar" you can brain them with it instead.

But I have to say that my favorite was "Lion." I'd never heard of it, so I had to take the package's word for it that it was "new and improved." But whatever the improvements were, they worked, because this was a tasty candy bar. A perfect combo of chocolate, chewy, and crispy. It was one of the few rare, exotic candies I'd seek out again. Except I'm not sure how rare or exotic it actually is, because it's made by Nestle.

Which I guess is the lesson of this candy store run. Maybe some rare candies are rare for a reason.

posted by M. Giant 5:47 AM 4 comments


I learned to love Lion bars in Ireland! They are from across the pond and are very very good - as you now know.

- JeniMull

By Anonymous Anonymous, at May 24, 2010 at 2:12 PM  

Lion bars are pretty common in the UK. They also did limited edition peanut lion bars, which were pretty great.

By Blogger Jennifer M., at May 25, 2010 at 8:01 AM  

was interesting . good luck .

By Anonymous ben, at May 31, 2010 at 7:42 AM  

No one got you a Lamme's praline? Awww. You'll have to come back.

By Blogger kmckee7, at June 1, 2010 at 8:28 PM  

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