M. Giant's
Velcrometer Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
What's in a Nickname
Some twenty years ago, Trash and I were watching SNL with friends. There was a sketch that had David Spade as a character named Bug. One of our friends (and I'm not going to out him here, but he knows how the comments work) said, "I wish I had a nickname, even if it was Bug."
"Done!" The rest of us said simultaneously.
"Wait, no --"
"Too late!" we said. And it was. It stuck for years.
I learned from his mistake when I decided to try to give myself a nickname. When I was 22, I had surgery to remove a benign cyst from my facial nerve. I decided in advance that the resulting scar, which was certain to render me gnarled and disfigured and hideous to behold, would earn me the nickname "Blade." Just my rotten luck that you can't even see the scar unless you're looking for it. That didn't stop me from trying for several years.
Eventually I realized it wasn't going to work, so I picked a new nickname. But Trash for some reason failed to appreciate my introducing myself to her friends as "Tripod." Even though hardly any of them still call me that.
There was also the series of park benches around town at that time advertising a realtor named Jeff Hero. Of course I snapped that name up as my own, at least among my friends. Probably the closest I've ever came to committing identity theft.
Finally, there was the time Trash and I were on our way to a movie with friends and I saw a store I'd never seen before, called "Mattress Giant." Right there I claimed, "That used to be my nickname."
Everyone seemed to appreciate it at the time, even though my years of being known as M. Giant were in my future rather than my past.
Now, I'm sorry if you read all the way to the end of this to find out how Trash got her nickname. But that's her story, not mine. Maybe we can get her to tell it sometime.
posted by M. Giant
8:59 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Ahhh, ha ha ha. That was fun. I remember rooting for "Jeff Hero" at the time. And that poor, poor bastard saddled with "Bug." I hope that never recurs, lest he flip out and have to cut a bitch.
This reminds me of Diablo Cody, who has a perfectly reasonable-appearing story about putting together this flamboyant pen name while on a cross-country drive, but has since been on record as saying it's kind of too bad her Oscar doesn't have her actual name on it.
Wait. M. Giant stands for Mattress Giant? All this time I thought it was Mental Giant. I mean, you seem pretty damn smart and clever, so I put 2 and 2 together... My whole world feels blown to bits by this revelation.
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Hi, I'm M. Giant. I'm here because while there's no shortage of people hurling their least
significant thoughts and feelings up on the Internet, none of those people are me. I'm
here because I've got nothing to say, and by God I'm going to say it.
My goal with this blog is to spend time writing something, anything, rather than just sitting around
slackjawed. I hope to hone my writing skills, build a small but loyal following, then a slightly larger
and more fiercely loyal following, ultimately culminating in the destruction of my enemies and total world
domination.
Feel free to e-mail me if you like, but only if you don't mind that anything you say is likely to end up on the site.
I can't guarantee that I'll be nice about it.
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You could steal from me, but you'd only be hurting yourself. Using
me as your instrument.
