M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Thursday, November 19, 2009  

Miles to Go

I don't know how long it's been since it was still cool for bloggers to make fun of the ridiculous and overpriced crap in Sharper Image and Skymall. Probably since before I was one. But as passé as it may be to skewer products aimed at people with more money than sense, I'm not sure the same can me said of products aimed at people with not very much of either.

Hence my appreciation for the Miles Kimball catalog, or as Trash and I like to call it, "Magazine O' Crap." Just look at a few of the things you never knew you needed, and still don't! For instance:



If you've been kept awake nights by the weight of the bedding on your feet, here's the solution. No more going to bed with stacks of books balanced precariously on the end of your mattress. Just the thing for the upcoming winter months to make sure you're getting enough freezing cold air from the room outside under your blankets and onto your toes.

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If you love your cats, you want to be reminded of them at all times, including when you're doing your dishes. This darling sink liner is for you! And who knows -- if you're tired of your babies climbing up on the counter to lick drops off the faucet, maybe this creepy-ass item will be just the thing to spook Precious, Princess, Arthur, Fluffy, Eleanor, Rainbow, Leaky, Zuzu, Mr. Socks, Mathilda, Napoleon, Daisy, Chum-Chum, and Booger, and the others away for good.

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Just because you're an old lady on a fixed income doesn't mean you're not in the market for some dickey. Yes, these ingenious shirt-tops will fool your friends, family, and caseworker into thinking that you're wearing a blouse under your sweater, when in fact the itchy fabric is chafing against your skin the whole time! Ha ha, joke's on them! (Miles Kimball is not liable for violations of "no shirt, no service" policies)

Speaking of the upcoming winter, don't you hate it when it gets cold enough to wear long underwear? It's so uncomfortable and dorky. Fortunately you can get these:



Which are even more uncomfortable and dorky.

Don't you hate when the wife makes you wear a hat outside, and your baseball cap doesn't count because it doesn't cover your ears? Those days are over:



Your ears are warm, but you still look cool. From a sufficient distance, that is.

And speaking of cool, here's a spiffy way to protect your hair and makeup while you get dressed: it's a protector mask!

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Crazy eyes not included. Also not included: the inner mask to protect your hard work from the protector mask.

Now, lest you think this Miles Kimball is just Hammacher Schlemmer for pluggers, or some harmless half-crazy inventor down the street who's destined to marry Harriet Carter so they can produce a shelf-cluttering brood of useless but reasonably priced babies, take a look at this. But before you do, I need to describe it with four words that will make your blood run cold: not safe for work. You'll never look at grandma the same way again.

posted by M. Giant 5:08 PM 13 comments

13 Comments:

oh, no, no, no.

my favorite useless skymall product is the ankles-down tanning bed so you don't have embarrassing sock lines when you go from the golf course to the beach. for a particular demographic, i guess.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at November 19, 2009 at 5:45 PM  

Actually the first item is something I've been looking for and didn't know it existed. My husband has Muscular Dystrophy and doesn't have the muscle strength to roll over and often gets tangled in the blankets. This would be the perfect solution! Thanks!

By Blogger Captivated, at November 19, 2009 at 5:55 PM  

I'm with Captivated - when I accidentally tried to destroy the ligaments in my calf and ankle, the weight of the quilt on my taped foot woke me up one night - the pain was excrutiating, and I thought that I must have completely ripped the ligaments in the night.

By Blogger kju, at November 20, 2009 at 3:33 AM  

Should I be nervous that two out of three comments support one of these products? And this is why America is still the best country in the world. Any and all products have a home.

By Blogger Stacey, at November 20, 2009 at 5:41 AM  

Ankles down tanning bed! That's perfect for those of us who do (or have in the past) spent too much time out in the sun playing softball and then don't want to go to the beach with that dreaded softball sock tan!

By Blogger Deanna, at November 20, 2009 at 8:01 AM  

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

By Blogger demetriuswagar1030, at November 21, 2009 at 6:50 AM  

Why, oh why, did I click on that link? Whhhyyyyyyyy????

- JeniMull

By Anonymous Anonymous, at November 21, 2009 at 7:15 AM  

Clearly neither you nor Trash has ever been a perimenopausal woman who would like to wear nice sweaters in the winter but is always hot. The layers of blouse and sweater? Too much. The sweater without a blouse? Unfinished looking. (Not that I'd ever wear a dickie, but that one seemed sensible to me.)

By Anonymous Bo, at November 21, 2009 at 11:11 AM  

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at November 22, 2009 at 1:13 PM  

Unfortunately, the first item seems like a good idea, and would indeed be a good idea, if it wasn't actually total and complete crap. My mom got one because of her plantar fasciitis, and the thing was so flimsy that it caved and collapsed from the weight of the blankets. Any bed covering that is light enough to work with that thing is probably too light to bother you anyway.

Now she just keeps an extra-firm pillow stuffed under the covers. Works great.

By Blogger Dimestore Lipstick, at November 22, 2009 at 3:58 PM  

I agree with the people who said that the first item, which keeps the sheets off your feet, is occasionally useful. I work at a Hospice and we use a product just like that to prevent/treat bedsores on patients' heels.

By Anonymous SRD, at November 25, 2009 at 9:46 PM  

That link lists two different products for two different prices but the picture is the same for both. I think one Miles Kimball is trying to pull a fast one on grandma...

By Anonymous nicole, at November 28, 2009 at 7:53 PM  

Miles Kimball; klassy with a K! ;)

By Anonymous fredlet, at December 8, 2009 at 10:26 PM  

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