M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Wednesday, February 18, 2009  

So here's what's going on with me right now: For about the next month or so, I'm "threecapping." That's three recaps a week for TWoP (24, Burn Notice, and The Amazing Race), and I'm happy to do all of them, but that kind of puts a dent in one's writing-for-free schedule. Add to that the fact that I'm just now starting a new paid blogging gig, and Velcrometer gets moved from the back burner to the backsplash for a few weeks.

But all is not lost. I'll be linking to my paid stuff from here, so you don't miss a drop of my genius. Trash has agreed to fill in now and then. And of course there's the sign of the true professional: reruns.

So I'll be reposting a few of my old greatest hits, just to fill the space and remind everyone how much funnier I used to be. We'll get through this together.

Low Rider (8/9/02)

My wife’s coworker MC is having a little bit of car trouble. Oh, it still starts and runs fine. Everything’s totally hunky-dory under the hood. The problem is that the back of his front seat has fallen off. And, as Paula Poundstone has rightly said, the back of the front seat is a piece of driving equipment easily taken for granted.

Now MC’s daily commute has taken on a new dimension, as his new cockpit configuration forces him to abandon the everyday “casually guiding the wheel” style of steering with a “white-knuckled deathgrip” style of steering. Pretty much the only thing keeping him from sliding into the backseat every time he accelerates or goes uphill is his hold on the car’s directional control interface. Hence a commonplace activity—like, say, eating a banana on the road—becomes fraught with peril should he come to a curve.

I met Trash and MC for lunch today, and Trash was still laughing when we got our food. Apparently her favorite part—and I have to agree—is that MC still straps on his seatbelt. That’s kind of unfair of us, because what are you gonna do, not put it on? It’s bad enough that you have to drive perched on the seat like a milkmaid on a rollercoaster without also worrying about flying through the windshield in the event of a head-on collision. This way is much better, because a head-on collision will turn his seatbelt into a slingshot that will launch him through the rear window instead. It’s a lot safer back there, after all.

You might imagine that driving in this position would get a little tiring. You would be right. MC told us about how he came to a stop at a red light and just lay back for a minute to give his arms and stomach muscles a rest. From that vantage, he watched the sky and the top of a semi-trailer in front of him. When the top of the semi-trailer pulled out of his field of vision, he knew it was time to sit up and keep driving. You gotta feel bad for the guy when you hear something like that. With the shape I’m in, I would just have to follow semi-trailers everywhere, whether they were going to my destination or not.

MC is starting to feel a little self-conscious about it, because other drivers notice. Imagine pulling up to a red light next to a sporty little car that seems to be empty. You curiously look over to confirm your suspicions, and there, staring back at you balefully, is a pair of eyes just above door level. It’s hard to look cool when the only thing people can see is the top of your head. Even Schwarzenegger couldn’t manage it after he ripped the shotgun seat out of Rae Dawn Chong’s car in Commando. MC says he keeps wanting to roll down his window and yell, “Shut up! My seat’s broken!” Too bad his window won’t roll down far enough.

I asked him if he plans to keep it that way. He doesn’t, but it’s going to be pretty expensive to fix because the seat has electrical adjustment controls. In the meantime, Trash is tormenting him at the office by playing an mp3 of “Low Rider” by War on her computer over and over again.

posted by M. Giant 5:31 PM 7 comments


I love the idea of reruns! Do you take requests? Some of your old posts still make me laugh today, just by remembering them....
Cat stories are always a good choice. Also there was that trip you took with another couple(s?), you rented a cabin that had a basement, the guys went out to see a movie, I hope this rings a bell with you. I'd love to read that post again, if only I could find it in your archives.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at February 20, 2009 at 1:04 PM  


I feel for you.

By Blogger Linda, at February 20, 2009 at 3:07 PM  

ill vote for a re-run of my all time favorite velcrometer blog. The "swiper gonna get my hole" blog makes me laugh the entire way through

By Anonymous Anonymous, at February 20, 2009 at 6:58 PM  

Rae Dawn Chong!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at February 21, 2009 at 10:21 PM  

Three recaps a week for TWoP, and none of them "Big Love". I want to go on record as noting that sucks a lot. We're all missing your BL recaps terribly.

By Blogger Dimestore Lipstick, at February 23, 2009 at 7:28 AM  

If I have a vote for funniest M.Giant post ever, it's the one that still makes me laugh whenever I think about it: the middle-of-the-night feeding of M.Edium when you forgot to put the lid on. Ridiculously hilarious.

By Blogger dancing_lemur, at February 23, 2009 at 7:03 PM  

I love your Burn Notice recaps in ways that aren't completely healthy ;-)

I've also cheated by watching the season finale before tonight's episode, and it was all kinds of awesome -- if you can forget the fact that they given the media a director's cut instead of a final cut. (Very distracting at points, especially when all of Michael's voiceovers are suddenly the voice of Matt Nix and not Jeffrey Donovan. But other than that, I can't complain)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at February 26, 2009 at 3:46 PM  

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