M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Wednesday, November 14, 2007  

Do They Trouse?

My wallet started falling apart. It was fine overall, but the clear plastic bit that holds pictures and driver's licenses and extra-small condoms was coming apart. It would fall out every time I opened it, which was kind of embarrassing because my driver's license picture isn't very flattering.

Fortunately, I got a new wallet for Christmas several years ago. It's been waiting in the basement to be called into service, and last weekend Trash did exactly that.

It's taking some getting used to. My old wallet was the trifold kind. The new one has one hinge, so when you open it up it's bigger than two credit cards laid end-to-end instead of three laid side-to-side. And it's far from broken in yet. Instead of conforming to the gentle curve of my ass, it sort of makes my pocket stick out like I'm carrying a small book around. Which, in a sense, I am.

When I was transferring all my stuff from the old wallet to the new one (wondering what the hell I was gong to do with all these slots), Trash asked me if I hated having to carry around so much stuff.

"It's not as bad now that I don't have such a rough chair at work," I said. For some reason she thought that was hilarious. I didn't see why, but I'm passing it along to you in case you're amused too.

It's true that my pants used to wear out in a predictable, and distressingly quick, pattern. After only a few months, the spot where the bottom inside corner of my wallet rested would become threadbare. It got better after Trash made me quit wearing the same pants every day, but it was still annoying.

But that was three jobs ago. Since then, I sit in chairs that don't have such scratchy fabric, and that little spot lasts a lot longer. Which has helped me to discover all the other annoying ways pants can fall apart. One of them is to have a baby, who is likely to know all sorts of ingenious ways to get food, formula, urine, vomit, and poo all over you. And some of it will be his.

But after said baby gets older, the number one cause of is, without a doubt, the loss of the fly button. This wouldn't be so bad if I could sew buttons back on, but I can't. It also wouldn't be so bad if I could ever remember to have Trash sew them back on for me, but I can't even do that. Besides, I always lose the button within minutes and cannibalizing one of the back pocket buttons doesn't always work, since they often tend to be larger and I don't really want to be spotted in front of the urinal at work straining with the effort of getting my pants closed again.

Sometimes I get some warning. I had a pair of pants when I just knew I was about two bathroom visits away from total button-thread failure. Uncharacteristically proactive, I asked Trash to reinforce the thread for me that very night. Which she did, splendidly. In fact, she did it so well that when the button itself broke the next time I wore those pants, the center of it was still firmly attached.

"That's not my fault," Trash said. I had to agree. Very few things are, but this one was even less so than normal.

So do you want to tell me how your clothes tend to fall apart? Too bad. It's Trash's birthday today, and if y'all had any idea how many times in this past year of book-writing and recapping and job-changing I wanted to just blow you off, and she leaned on me to post anyway, you'd be…well, you'd be either very grateful to her or very annoyed, depending on your opinion of the results. So no comments for this entry except good birthday wishes for my patient, supportive, and inspiring wife. She deserves it.

posted by M. Giant 9:24 PM 13 comments

13 Comments:

Happy Birthday Trash!!! And best wishes for many, many, MANY more!!!

P.S. Have M.Giant put his wallet in the front pocket - my hub's pants last WAY longer since he started doing that.

By Blogger Bunny, at November 14, 2007 at 11:35 PM  

Happy Birthday Trash. I hope you have a wonderful day.

By Blogger L, at November 15, 2007 at 1:01 AM  

Happy birthday, love! Hope you have a wonderful one. Talk to you soon...

By Blogger Linda, at November 15, 2007 at 3:28 AM  

The happiest of birthdays to you!!!

xoxo from me and the kiddo

ps - my word verification word for this comment is barvo. So close to bravo.... I may start using it! So, BARVO for your birthday! :D

By Blogger Heather, at November 15, 2007 at 4:02 AM  

Happy Birthday Trash from the East Coast of Canada!

Have a great one!

By Anonymous echaos, at November 15, 2007 at 4:09 AM  

Happy Birthday Trash!!! And thank you for the reluctant posts; I do need my M. Small fixes!!!

By Anonymous Jennifer, at November 15, 2007 at 6:22 AM  

Happy Birthday, Trash!

By Anonymous Average Jane, at November 15, 2007 at 6:32 AM  

Happy Birthday Trash!

By Anonymous Brid, at November 15, 2007 at 7:45 AM  

Happy Birthday, Trash!

(From doriette)

By Blogger shrinking indigo, at November 15, 2007 at 9:14 AM  

Happy Birthday Trash!!!

By Blogger Lis, at November 15, 2007 at 9:58 AM  

Happy Birthday from "what's-his-name." I joined Facebook just for YOU!

By Blogger Febrifuge, at November 15, 2007 at 11:50 AM  

Happy Birthday Trash from a librarian in Baltimore!

By Blogger Rebecca, at November 15, 2007 at 1:52 PM  

Hope you had a very happy birthday, Trash.

By Blogger Nancy, at November 18, 2007 at 7:36 PM  

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