M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Tuesday, March 20, 2007  

Crap Reviews

In his childhood memoir The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid, Bill Bryson talks about asking his teacher for a bathroom pass and being asked whether he has to go "number one or number two." Little Billy responded, "I don't know, but I gotta do a big BM. It might even be a four or a five." He got in a bit of trouble for that.

Sometimes, after I've been in the facilities for a while, Trash might ask me, "How was it?" She means it mockingly, of course, but it always backfires. That's because there is no possible answer that won't completely gross her out. And I know, because I've tried them all:

"Splendid."

"Epic."

"Spectacular."

"Almost as good as the entire book I read while I was in there."

"Honestly, I'm kind of regretting opting for the extra-hot salsa the other day."

"Let's just say I'm glad we don't have a low-flow toilet."

"A little rushed, and therefore kind of unsatisfying."

"Not my best work, frankly."

"Do you mean like on a scale of one to ten, one being a couple of bald M&Ms and ten being maternity leave?"

"Really just a prelude or preamble to a longer-format piece that I'm planning for later. An overture, if you will."

"Early caramel undertones, but with a woody finish."

"Once the initial urgency passed, I was able to really hit my stride in the middle stretch, ultimately reaching new levels of self-expression."

"Go see for yourself. It's quite a pliable medium if you have the proper diet."

"For a second there I think I levitated."

And then she abruptly ends the conversation. I don't know, I'm getting mixed signals here.

Labels:

posted by M. Giant 8:08 PM 5 comments

5 Comments:

Yay, poo humor! Seriously, that post made me laugh. Thanks. :-)

By Blogger Miranda, at March 20, 2007 at 11:39 PM  

I hope I never hit an age where poop is not hysterical. :)

By Blogger notanillusion, at March 21, 2007 at 7:26 AM  

My husband is the master at horrifying poop description... he once described his...ummm... transaction as an "inverted cadbury egg". *Shiver*

By Anonymous Nikki, at March 21, 2007 at 8:17 AM  

Aww, poor Trash. My SO does not take joy in poop so much as he does farts. Nice, quiet, smelly ones right when he knows I'm going to pass into striking zone. I think it's his way of trying to get me to stop serving him so many vegetables.

By Blogger Emily, at March 21, 2007 at 10:00 AM  

You're lucky. Sometimes I think my job is going to ruin the fun of poop for me, forever.

But there are some times when I drop a deuce that makes everything okay again.

Or as our friend in KC once said, "I just took a dump woulda killed a lesser man." She claimed she was quoting an uncle, but I don't buy it.

By Blogger Febrifuge, at March 21, 2007 at 7:01 PM  

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