M. Giant's
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Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Saturday, December 02, 2006  

0 for 10

Trash sent this to me the other day. I'm really glad that before I opened my e-mail, she called me and told me that it would be a good topic for an entry. If I'd thought she was being serious with this, it probably would have freaked me out a great deal.

So here they are: the Ten Commandments for Wives. I guess the original ten only applied to dudes, so someone saw a need that had to be filled. Think it was a wife?

1. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind; and you shall love your husband as yourself. You shall not make your husband into an idol, but you shall love, honor, respect and submit to him as unto the Lord.

Wives, stop being so selfish. Just realize that you're an extension of your husband, and you'll both be happier. Okay, maybe he'll be happier than you are, but it's not all about you. Treat him as you would yourself. And also as you do God. Actually, come to think of it, this seems to be directed women who already think of themselves as God, and maybe those particular individuals could stand to be taken down a peg.

2. You shall not take your husband's name in vain through gossip, slander, criticism, complaint or mockery; but you shall bless him both privately and publicly.

Don't complain about your husband to other people when he's not around. Or when he is around. Or when it's just you and him. Or when it's just you. Or in your head. Honestly, is this really too much to ask?

3. You shall work heartily as directed by the Lord and your husband, not by your own ideas of what should be done. You shall not be so busy working that you neglect to get alone with God every day. During this quiet time, you shall pray diligently for your husband.

See? We're not so unreasonable. In between raising the kids, taking care of the house, cooking the meals, and rubbing our feet, we want you make sure you can have your own private, quiet time to yourself so you can pray for us. Set your alarm earlier, maybe.

4. You shall honor your mother and father, but you shall not elevate their position or opinions above your husband's.

No, your mother-in-law can't move in with us.

5. You shall not resent or revile or hate your husband, but you shall grant him grace, forgiveness and mercy and love.

Trust us, there'll be a lot less smacking that way.

6. You shall not commit adultery, nor shall you think lustfully toward another man; but you shall thank God for your husband and be pleased with him.

That's not to say that we'd object if, in your daily prayers for us, you'd put in a word for us to stop losing our hair.

7. You shall not steal from your husband. You shall not steal his marriage by threatening divorce. Nor steal his wife by leaving him alone all the time. Nor steal his time by placing unnecessary demands on him. Nor steal his joy by complaining. Nor steal his peace by endless nagging. Nor steal glances from other men by wearing provocative clothes and causing them to stumble. This defrauds your husband of an honorable wife, the other man of pure thoughts, and the other man's wife of her husband's faithfulness.

Yes, anything that bothers your husband is stealing. Don't steal his time by making him keep explaining this to you.

8. You shall not lie to your husband, but you shall speak the truth in love. You shall practice a quiet and gentle spirit.

Yes, no lying about anything, except about how trapped, stifled, and unfulfilled you feel as a result of Commandments 1-7 (and probably 9-10). And lie quietly and gently about that while you're at it. We're trying to read the paper.

9. You shall not covet another woman's husband, or compare yours to him. Nor shall you covet her children and friends.

Where are you finding time for all this coveting, anyway? You're supposed to be praying for me, dammit.

10. You shall not covet another woman's home, appearance, fashions, possessions, talents and gifts, or any other thing that is hers; but you shall be content with all God has given to you.

Also, don't covet her accomplishments, career, strength, intelligence, or wit, because let's face it, if she has those things she's no kind of woman anyway.

Trash spent a good deal of that day laughing with her female friends about which of them was in the most violation of these commandments. I gratefully told her that I'm proud to call her the worst wife in the world. I only hope that when someone comes up with an equally backward set of Ten Commandments for Husbands, that I can do half as badly as she did.

posted by M. Giant 9:29 PM 7 comments

7 Comments:

What's really terrifying is that there are people, women even, who actually believe in this sort of thing... It blows my mind.

By Anonymous CanadaDave, at December 2, 2006 at 9:46 PM  

I'm betting it was written by this woman:

http://www.surrenderedwife.com/

Scariest thing I have ever read, and I went to a fundamentalist elementary school.

By Anonymous GhostGirl, at December 3, 2006 at 7:53 AM  

What a helpful list! I'm going to put it on my refrigerator, and hopefully it'll help me remember to do my housework more cheerfully and stop committing adultery so much.

By Blogger Nancy, at December 3, 2006 at 5:39 PM  

My aunt married a Baptist and #1 was in her wedding vows (note: there was no reciprocation about submitting to the wife or loving her as his god during his vows). When the minister said it, I watched my dad flinch and look at me as if ready to restrain me if I jumped up and caused a scene. I must say, I was surprised because I had never given my dad that much credit for good sense before.

By Blogger Kimberly, at December 3, 2006 at 7:11 PM  

I'm sorry to hear that Trash is unwilling to live up to the good wife standards set within this list. Wouldn't you say that her attitude qualifies as stealing from your joy?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 3, 2006 at 7:16 PM  

I heard #1 in a Southern Baptist wedding, too. This was after a very VERY long sermon, mostly focusing on the reason that marriages fail: because the newlyweds forget to invite Jesus home with them. I whispered to my date, "Don't you think they'd want to be alone for a while?"

By Anonymous Jennifer, at December 4, 2006 at 6:18 AM  

Good to know I'm responsible for defrauding another man of his "pure thoughts" if I happen to attract his attention. Shame on me! Don't I know men have no control over themselves?

By Anonymous Mandy, at December 6, 2006 at 9:37 AM  

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