M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Wednesday, February 01, 2006  

Mothers of Inventions, Part 2

Trash hasn't given up on finding that patent I'm supposed to be telling you about. But when she does, it's going to be kind of a letdown after some of the other ones she's found recently. For instance, patent application #2005011000:

I have invented a unique apparatus similar to the hot water bottle, except that it uses tap water.

Oh, well, it's about time. I stopped using my hot water bottle years ago because keeping it filled with Evian was getting cost-prohibitive. Tell us more, #2!

Those embarrassing brown spots on your underware are proof positive that feces, acids and ammonia are present on your private body increments after a bowel or urine movement.

Wait, what? What does that have to do with a hot water bottle? Oh, God, I think it's going to tell me.

This invention is the answer to a new method of cleansing your private body increments and predicting a bowel movement. It relieves constipation, bloating, irritation and embarrassing brown spots on your underware.

Okay. I see. Great. Now I'm embarrassed for my species. And possibly all vertebrates. But I can't exactly stop reading now, can I? Like it or not, this patent application has got me by the increments.

Description

[0001] I. My invention is an apparatus that attaches to toilet, shower or bathtub water supply with the intent of rinsing or cleansing vaginal or anal cavities.


Actually, I don't have a problem with the first half of that sentence.

[0002] II. Water is injected into vaginal or anal cavities for rinsing or cleansing.

Really?
Actually, If that's your plan, I'll just have my water before you cleanse it, if it's all the same to you.

[0003] III. My invention consists of the rinser ballcock adapter, plastic or rubber hose, cut-off valve, pressure regulator and the rinse head.

Of course you need a rinser ballcock adapter. Without a rinser ballcock adapter, all you have is a hot water bottle that you have to fill with Pepsi.

[0004] IV. The rinse head may consist of several sizes and configurations.

And for God's sake, buy a separate one for every member of your family! I'd rather share a toothbrush than one of these.

[0005] V. My inventions purpose is similar to a hot water bottle except that it uses tap water.

They say necessity is the mother of invention, and I can't blame the guy for trying to come up with something that'll spare him the expense and inconvenience of constantly filling his hot water bottle with Goldschlager. But the funny thing is, I've been laboring all this time under the apparently mistaken impression that a hot water bottle is something you use to warm yourself up or ease aches and pains. Not give yourself an undercarriage rinse.

Maybe this guy lost the cap off his hot water bottle years ago, and now all he thinks it's good for is filling it up with Lemon Fresh Joy and squeezing it between his knees. I understand that the Patent Office isn't too selective, but I hope they will do this: put out an APB to every drugstore in the country, telling them to never, ever sell a hot water bottle to this man.

Today's best search phrase: "How old is Gary Dourdan's daughter and what is her eye color?" Ma'am, I can't blame you for trying to prove that Warrick from CSI is your dad, but I think the way you're going about it is a tad oblique.

posted by M. Giant 8:29 PM 8 comments

8 Comments:

ROTFL.. as much as I can while I'm at work anyway. For a while there I got confused as well on what a hot-water bottle is originally used for.

By Blogger restlessly, at February 1, 2006 at 10:54 PM  

I'm confused as to why on earth this is different from a bidet. And if this person is so obsessed with shooting water up his or her ass, why he or she hasn't ever *heard* of a bidet?!?!

By Anonymous Maven, at February 2, 2006 at 7:01 AM  

I'm just confused on how he use his current hot water bottle.

My coworker and I have been coming up with bigger and better drinks to replace tap water. Hot coffee? Wine? Apple Cider? Fresca?

By Anonymous Michelle, at February 2, 2006 at 7:23 AM  

Finally! Someone on the Internets that is brave enough to fisk enema patents.

By Blogger Mertseger, at February 2, 2006 at 7:26 AM  

I thought the last set of patents were strange, but I have to agree with the Maven and Michelle -- doesn't he know what a bidet is? And how is he currently using his hot water bottle. Actually, how is this in any way like a hot water bottle?

By Anonymous Tim B, at February 2, 2006 at 7:43 AM  

hot water bottles will sometimes come with a rubber hose to use the bag as a enema bag or douche bag , i used to to work in a drug store ,

By Anonymous Anonymous, at February 2, 2006 at 12:58 PM  

Yikes. As if they don't stink enough after they've been filled with hot water a few times...

Also: those hot water bottles hold a great deal of liquid. Seems a touch excessive, no?

By Anonymous Jeremy, at February 2, 2006 at 9:45 PM  

Dude has never heard of a bidet, nor a tap water enema. Modern healthcare system is in shambles. Coincidence? I think not.

By Blogger Febrifuge, at February 3, 2006 at 9:51 AM  

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