M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Wednesday, January 11, 2006  

Mothers of Inventions

There's a story I've been meaning to tell for a while, about an inventor that somebody I know met a few weeks ago. I was hoping to tell you all about her invention, but I didn't want to end up in an awkward position in case someone stole her idea from reading it here. That would be bad.

But now it's okay, because I've heard she's since been granted a patent. Congratulations, Inventor! That can only mean the idea that I was all set to mock is completely valid and worthwhile.

Uh. Hem.

So, I went to the Patent Office's website to search for the patent, and I couldn't find the specific one in question. So that story will have to wait a bit. But I did learn a lot about some of the other inventions that have been granted patents, which, alas, has forced me to re-revise my opinion of our inventor's invention. This time in a downward direction. Perhaps the mere existence of a patent is not the validation I had previously thought.

I direct your attention to United States Patent #6,694,980, for an item designated "Prophylactic garment system for safer sex." After wading through paragraph after paragraph of dry descriptive material, I have determined that Patent #6,694,980 is for what can only be, in layman's terms, a pair of crotchless underwear with a pocket for condoms and stuff.

"And stuff"? Well, by this we of course mean, you know, stuff. Or, as Patent #6,694,980 enumerates, "lubricants, gels, shower gels, antibacterial cleansers, perfumes, scented oils, lotions," etc. How big is this pocket, anyway? And won't your partner be disappointed when you take off your pants and reveal that that isn't all you in there?

Yet Patent #6,694,980 isn't concerned with such details. The sky is the limit, as far as Patent #6,694,980 is concerned. I quote, without changing a word:

The flavors associated with the system may also include such commercially available flavors as KiwilimeN'Watermelon, PeachCobbler, Pink Pussycat, Pink Banana Split, HazzleN'Nuts, Rappin Raspberry, Lemon MaraineNCream, Cinnamon Juices, Lucious Liquish, White Chaffon, Red N'Hot, Cherry Berry, Swollowmelon, Popthatcherry, BlackCherry, SassyBerry, BerriesN'Cream, peachesN'me, CreamDreamy, Caramel with Nuts, Banana Nut with Cat, Fruitcocktail, Blast'N'berry, Blowpop, and Sodapop and any combination thereof.

Yes, Patent #6,694,980 will let you do anything. It's a freaky, naughty little patent.

But not reckless, oh no. In fact, sexual aids aren't the only thing you can stash in that little pocket. Here's what else you can find:

…may also includes an informational brochure that may discuss safer sex practices or STD information, e.g., symptoms, statistics, and treatment information.

Oh, way to be a buzzkill, Patent #6,694,980. Tease me and then go all clinical. As I said to Trash, "This just became the unsexiest sexy underwear imaginable." Presumably the safe-sex brochures would be sold separately. Or maybe you could get a discount on a nice, full-color photograph job with any purchase of Popthatcherry. Patent #6,694,980 doesn't really get into the marketing.

As for an entirely different patent, Patent #6,832,983, "Article of clothing with a novel attachment means," let's just say there isn't much it doesn't get into. Let's just say that "novel," as one goes on to read the rest of the description, turns out to mean "nightmarish." Let's just say that if you've been looking for a more comfortable way to keep your clothes on than having them, you know, wrapped around you on the outside, Patent #6,832,983 is for you. You sick fucking monkey.

Now, if anything, you're more curious about the device conceived by the inventor I mentioned at the beginning of the entry. What manner of marvelous item could be described by the search phrases that came up with Patents #6,832,983 and #6,694,980? You'll just have to wait and see. But I bet the patent number has a 6 in it. Hey, get away from that hole in the 6, Patent #6,832,983! Jeez! Can't take you anywhere.

posted by M. Giant 9:02 PM 9 comments

9 Comments:

I'm still confused by the Banana Nut with Cat flavor.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 11, 2006 at 9:25 PM  

Cinnamon Juices and Lucious Liquish?!?!?!? No, and no, and no.

Also, are you saying that the second patent is underware you wear by inserting them into you? Because OH MY GOD that is wrong.

By Anonymous Aaron, at January 12, 2006 at 6:46 AM  

Wow. Yeah. So I just got done looking at the "novel attachment" patent. That's um... something.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 12, 2006 at 7:31 AM  

I really don't get Patent #6,832,983. I mean, I looked at it and everything, but I just don't see how it works. Or why you'd need it.

By Anonymous Jenny, at January 12, 2006 at 8:38 AM  

Or, why some batshit crazy person would rush out to patent this unique idea, as if someone else might steal it. Holy crap!

By Anonymous TB, at January 12, 2006 at 9:09 AM  

I was under the impression a patent just says, yes, you have thought of something that no one else has either thought of or has bothered to patent. These inventions just reinforce that I don't think a patent bestows any assumption of usefulness of said invention. I am very curious about what idea your friend's acquaintance patented! Lemonmaraine n cream indeed!

By Anonymous Mandy, at January 12, 2006 at 2:51 PM  

And I'm with Jenny about #6,832,983. Huh? Wha-?

By Anonymous Mandy, at January 12, 2006 at 2:59 PM  

I feel the need to point out that said patent was filed on April 1, 2002. If that's only a coincidence, then I'm joining the "WTF?" chorus.

By Anonymous Melewen, at January 14, 2006 at 3:09 PM  

A little late to the party, but so very confused. Can you actually buy those flavors somewhere> Banana and Cat? Popthatcherry? Who thinks of such things?

By Anonymous Terri, at January 30, 2006 at 8:49 PM  

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