M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Sunday, January 08, 2006  

The Food-Poisoning Diet

As I write this, I think I’m about ten pounds lighter than I was during my last entry. How did I do it? Well, when I was brainstorming ideas for losing weight the other day, I forgot to mention a really quick method, one that’s worked for me in the past. And that’s to get a severe case of food poisoning.

This isn’t really the sort of thing you can plan, of course. It just kind of happens. That’s probably why I didn’t mention it before. And yet, it happened, on Friday night.

At first I thought the discomfort brewing in my belly was due to the beer I’d had. But then I remembered that that never happens. What was more likely is that I’d picked up the stomach bug that Trash and M. Small have been fighting for the past week. So I decided that the best thing to do was to go to bed early and hope to feel better when I woke up in the morning.

Well, I did wake up in the morning. 12:30 in the morning, to be exact. I was roused by the unmistakable sensation of my entire alimentary canal hollering, “That’s it! Everybody out! Right now!” I’ll spare you the details, but in the course of that long night in the bathroom, I suspect I lost five pounds out of each end. Eventually I began to suspect that the evil force that had me in its grip was not a mere virus, but the General Tao’s Chicken I’d gotten for lunch from the Chinese restaurant in the Skyway. Which is too bad, because I really like it.

After a few hours of this, M. Small woke up, so lucky, lucky Trash had to deal with that. I might have taken care of him, since I was already up and everything, but my focus at the time was, alas, on other matters. Again, Trash has been dealing with her own tummy flu for most of the week, and therefore hadn’t slept for more than a few hours since Tuesday. Great timing, food poisoning!

So Saturday morning rolled around. Trash was exhausted (and still not well), and I felt weak, wrung out, and totally hung over. M. Small, naturally, was over his illness and back to his usual, energetic self. And chasing a happy one-year-old around the house gets a little less fun when you feel like you were in a car accident the day before.

Nana and Grandpa to the rescue. Mom came yesterday afternoon and picked up M. Small for a sleepover at her house last night. I was in bed by five p.m. You know what I discovered at 9:30 this morning? Never underestimate the restorative powers of sixteen and a half hours’ sleep. I woke up feeling better, if still a little queasy at the thought of any food richer than a saltine cracker.

Trash also caught up on her sleep (although she wasn’t spectacularly lazy like I was), and we were happy to see M. Small when he came home this morning. I still couldn’t face a full meal right now, and my t-shirt is still hanging down in front rather than bulging outward. It’s like a pickpocket bumped into me downtown, but instead of lifting my wallet he slipped me a gastric bypass.

Although I would strongly advise you not to try this at home, I’m taking this as a really sick (literally) kick-off to my year of weight loss. I’m going to learn from the last time this happened, and not start bingeing on Oreos and ice cream as soon as I’m able, just because I can. I realize that most of what I lost was water, and that rehydrating probably bounced me back a bit. As miserable as I was on Friday night, it would be stupid of me not to take advantage of the fact that my weight-loss goal for the year was half-met before the week was a year old. I don’t want to throw that away.

Plus, it’s good to know that if I’m still tipping the scales too far in December, all I have to do is pick up an order of tasty, tasty General Tao’s Chicken.

Today’s best search phrase: “He grew a belly.” Bummer. Does he like Chinese takeout?

posted by M. Giant 1:25 PM 13 comments

13 Comments:

Happened to me in June. It sounds like no big deal, but nothing else has ever made me so sick that I thought my death might actually be within sight. I'm glad you're feeling better now!

By Anonymous Wing Chun, at January 8, 2006 at 4:43 PM  

Ugh, happened to me in Brazil. I was sick for 3 days and still can't look at chicken salad the same way.

By Blogger Finding My New Normal, at January 8, 2006 at 5:54 PM  

I'm experiencing something similar yet different. As of Jan 1, I had 8 lbs to go before I meet my goal weight and I've been stalled at the same weight for months. Luckily (sort of), I got dumped on Jan 2! Lost 4 lbs by Jan 6. Half my goal in four days. I'll be over here in the corner, weeping...

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 8, 2006 at 6:04 PM  

I have been sick all day, and I originally thought I poisoned myself with the dinner I made last night, but I actually think that I picked up a bug, since I am also sporting a fever. Maybe the bug Trash and M. Small have, even. Not as bad as what you're describing, but a milder example of the same thing.

By Blogger Linda, at January 8, 2006 at 6:27 PM  

who knew that the typically yummy ham and bacon pizza could turn on you... after a night in the hospital, the silver lining from this escapade was that it pretty much took care of the winter weight i had picked up. b/c the thought of eating anything for awhile, took care of picking the weight back up... at least until this winter.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 8, 2006 at 6:51 PM  

I had food poisoning a few weeks ago, and my daughter was only 3 months old. My husband was out of town. I was up all night shuffling between her room and the bathroom. I threw up on her bedroom floor twice.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 9, 2006 at 8:02 AM  

It's great that stories like your brings out the other similarly discomforting stories of others.

So, I'll share mine.

Back when my wife and I were new parents, we both got sick on the same night. Our trips to the bathroom woke up our daughter. We could barely get out of bed and had to resort to calling friends early in the morning to come and get months old baby so we could get some desperatly needed sleep.

(It sucks when parents are hundreds of miles away. But thank goodness for reliable friends!)

We were functional by the sunrise, so it worked out "okay."

By Blogger Burb, at January 9, 2006 at 8:30 AM  

My turn:
Easter, 2005. 10 month old child. In Washington, DC visiting my parents. We live in Indiana.

Saturday night, kid vomits on my mom's carpet. We hurry back to the hotel, put her down with some water in her, and pray. We feel peckish, so we order Domino's pizza.

Bad idea.

Sunday morning, kid is still exploding out both ends (double ear infection), and both of us have food poisoning from the pizza. And we have to drive 16 hours home.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 9, 2006 at 9:29 AM  

"I was roused by the unmistakable sensation of my entire alimentary canal hollering, 'That’s it! Everybody out! Right now!'"

Ah, yes. In my mind that sensation is usually accompanied by the whonking alarm of crisis in a submarine movie.

My contribution: when exactly DID I make that spaghetti with chicken sausage in the fridge? It can't be THAT old. But it was, alas.

By Blogger Kim, at January 9, 2006 at 11:45 AM  

It’s like a pickpocket bumped into me downtown, but instead of lifting my wallet he slipped me a gastric bypass.

and

I was roused by the unmistakable sensation of my entire alimentary canal hollering, 'That’s it! Everybody out! Right now!'

You can make anything funny. Gross, but funny.

By Anonymous Michelle, at January 9, 2006 at 12:07 PM  

M. Small's pictures are SO CUTE! I love that you set up a flickr account.

As for the food poisoning, just be glad you didn't eat bad tuna. I know, couldn't I tell it was bad? Not the FIRST time!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 10, 2006 at 7:03 AM  

UGH! That is horrible - my poor husband got food poisoning (don't eat Mexican food in Oregon...ever) while we were on vacation, visiting my best friend, her husband and their 2 year old and newborn. We were staying in their "guest cottage" which is the trailer they take on little trips. You know how SMALL and CARPETED those things are? We gave up and holed up in a hotel for a couple of days. I actually called my mother and poison control, not sure if I should take him to the ER or not. Hope you're up to eating some oatmeal soon! Bad Chicken! Bad!

By Blogger Meepers, at January 11, 2006 at 1:20 AM  

Vanuatu. There for ten days and ate at local establishments until two nights before leaving. Thought I'd play it 'safe' by eating in hotel restaurant. Big. Big. Mistake.

On my own. Boohoo and 'thank God' for that. Shooting out both ends at once. Standing in the bath and bent over the loo at the same time. Not a pretty sight. Not something I am willing to repeat for any amount of weight loss!

By Anonymous pandymonium, at January 11, 2006 at 8:58 PM  

Post a Comment


Listed on BlogShares www.blogwise.com
ads!
buy my books!
professional representation
Follow me on Twitter
donate!
ads
Pictures
notify
links
loot
mobile
other stuff i
wrote
about
archives