M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Friday, December 02, 2005  

Coming Attractions

Have you ordered your Damn Millionaires CD yet? You better, because if you don’t the stock is going to sell out and the band is going to be Millionaires and you’re going to be like, “…Daaaamn.” Don’t let this happen to you, because they're awesome. I once had the completely undeserved honor of sharing a stage in Austin with their lead vocalist (like how I made it sound like SXSW or something instead of a karaoke bar?), so I know whereof I speak.

* * *

I’ve seen four movies in the theater since M. Small was born. Not getting to the theater as often means that when you make it back, it makes more of an impression. So imagine how Trash reacted, having not been out to see a movie since Anchorman. She used to love previews; often they were her favorite part of the moviegoing experience. But it's not the same any more for some reason, possibly because previews suck now. This time, by the time the previews were over, she looked as if she was experiencing something like horror. Can't really blame her, because I was right there with her.

So. Thoughts upon viewing the previews before Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire a couple of weeks ago:

Cheaper by the Dozen Two: The Dozening
Yeah, the subtitle’s mine. Pretty much my reaction to this was embarrassment on behalf of everyone involved. Except of course for Tom Welling, Piper Perabo, and Hilary Duff, of course, who may always be relied upon to be ass. And all those kids I don't care about. And except for Eugene Levy, who should really know better by now. And also no sympathy for Steve Martin, who could have saved himself all this trouble just by falling down a couple of times in Shopgirl. So, really, not much embarrassment for most of the people in it. But why, Bonnie Hunt, whyyyy?. Maybe someone will do her a favor and write her out of Cheaper by the Dozen Three: Dozen and Dozener.

King Kong
I don’t know whose idea it was to have Jack Black narrate the trailer’s opening in his “quiet-but-portentous” voice, but I spent that whole time just waiting for a Tenacious D song to kick in.

Superman Returns
And he brought the old John Williams theme music and a Brando voice-over! Brando could totally introduce a D song as well, you know he could. I remember how the first Reeve Superman movie was a modern reconstruction of the myth (yes, I’m that old). Now we’re getting all excited about a post-modern reconstruction of the modern reconstruction. Not that I talked this way when the first movie came out, mind you. I got beat up enough as it was.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Tilda Swinton, you are no Cate Blanchett. As for the rest of you, well, I have no idea who you are. Sure look British, though.

Happy Feet
Dancing penguins? Somebody kill me. No, wait, kill Robin Williams instead. And if Morgan Freeman gets in the way, too bad. I'm sure this is somehow his fault.

Aeon Flux
I never actually watched much of this on MTV’s Liquid Television (the Adult Swim of the early 90s), but I do remember it well enough to know that Charlize Theron is all wrong. Whose idea was it to cast that baby-face as an animated character with a puss like a sack of knives? There was also the hairstyle that looked like the horns of a cape buffalo, and oh, yeah, NO PANTS. Whatever. Plus you just know she’s not going to get killed at the end of every scene like in the old days.

And, what movie are we seeing again?

Today's best search phrase: "Babyproof trash." Yeah, get me some of that.

posted by M. Giant 7:04 PM 3 comments

3 Comments:

yeah, WHAT movie did we come to see???? I get so overwhelmed by the previews that I totally forget what I paid $7 for. definitely not the previews.

Actually, it's kind of nice, being surprised when the movie starts. "Oh, I came to see that? OK. Sounds good."

By Anonymous RM, at December 2, 2005 at 11:15 PM  

Hi M. Giant! K, so I've been a secret reader of yours for quite while...and Im coming out of the closet.

I've added you to my new blogs fav's list and Im hoping this is OK with you!? If not, I'll take it down :)

Anyway, this topic of movies hits the hammer on the nail. Or is it Nail on the head?? Ek, it's late and I should be in bed. Anyway, I couldnt agree more with the previews. And when you said this, "No, wait, kill Robin Williams instead" I was cheering like a retard. (I hate that hairy man, sorry.)

So there's my two cents. Not much, pretty lame actually. But at least I finally mustered up the courage to say hello right?

~Shells xoxo
(www.spankgraphics.com)

By Blogger Shelli, at December 4, 2005 at 11:18 PM  

Grrarr. At least you got a Superman trailer. Out here in Sticksville, we only got the crappy penguins and the crappier Cheaper By the Doesn't.

Also, they didn't turn on the side speakers the first time I saw Potter. Also also, the place was packed with drunken college kids, at midnight. When Cedric said "you know that prefects' bathroom on the 3rd floor?' it was comedy GOLD. Gold, I tell ya.

By Blogger Febrifuge, at December 8, 2005 at 11:52 AM  

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