M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Thursday, October 06, 2005  

I'm a pretty good cook. Or at least I used to be. I seem to remember being rather competent in the kitchen, somewhere in the swirling mists of my distant past (i.e., before fatherhood), knowing how to make things that didn't come out of a box, even throwing together full, balanced meals with every food group represented and perfectly timed.

I can still do that last part, but only if at least one of the ingredients has the word "Gerber" on the label.

The thing is, I don't want to spend a lot of time (i.e., two minutes) rustling up dinner for myself on nights when I'm working on a recap. And I'm not about to make Trash cook for me, what with her having her hands full with the kid because I'm, you guessed it, recapping. So this year, I've come up with a few ultra-high-speed meals. And I'd like to share them with you. They're fast, they're easy, and they're consistent in quality and nutritional value. In other words, they lack both.

1. I like my sandwiches a certain way. White or cottage bread, a few sheets of thin-sliced meat from a plastic envelope, a slab of Swiss-cheese-like extruded plasticine, mustard and mayo. The problem is, you're talking five ingredients there, and once I've made two (the number it takes to fill me up, unless I skipped lunch, in which case Pringles are called for) and done the de rigeur diagonal slice, five minutes of my life have gone down the rathole, never to return. Plus I've dirtied a plate and at least one knife.

That's why I invented the rapida fajita. Lay a tortilla flat on a dinner plate, arrange a few sheets of thin-sliced meat from a plastic envelope on top of it, smear some Ranch dressing on it, and roll it up tight. Eat. Only three ingredients, and no dirty utensils. You generally need three or four of them, though, depending on how many sheets of thin-sliced meat from a plastic envelope you put on each one. You could add some cheese-like product too, I suppose, but that's starting down a rather slippery slope.

2. You've probably had fake crabmeat with cocktail sauce. Try it on Chicken in a Biscuitâ„¢ brand crackers sometime. Brings it to a whole new level, adding texture and flavor that the meat and sauce alone don't have. Plus, you're getting not one but two kinds of fake meat flavoring, which I think adds up to one whole serving of meat. Mmm, protein! I think it's about equal to the amount found in ten cat snacks.

I'd list some more, but I don't have time.

posted by M. Giant 9:42 PM 3 comments


I find that grated cheese speeds up the process dramatically, with an added bonus - grated cheese tastes better than plastic cheese.

Just get one of those bags that have the handy reseal function and sprinkle a handful onto each rapida fajita (which I feel you should trademark before it is stolen by a taco company!)

It'll be a whole new eating experience ;P

By Blogger Antipodean, at October 7, 2005 at 12:13 AM  

That reminds me of a bit by Mil Millington....ah, here it is (Google wins again):

"Now, the thing is, if you're an English male, what you do when you leave home is go to the shop nearest to your new place, buy a Pot Noodle (Chicken and Mushroom), feast on its delights slumped on the sofa in front of the TV, swill out the plastic carton it came in, then use this carton for all your subsequent meals until you get married. There's a beauty of economy to it."

The longer bit is quoted here.

By Blogger Diablevert, at October 7, 2005 at 4:41 AM  

Wow, am I more surprised that they still make "Chicken in a Biscuit" crackers, that you mentioned them in your blog, or that my brother and I once made up a "Chicken in a Biscuit" TV commercial whilst in the back seat during one of our endless summer vacation drives. It pretty much went "Chicken in a Biscuit, Mom! Hooray!"

Gosh, we were such losers! Anyway, thanks for bringing back a good memory!

Kat from Jersey

By Anonymous Anonymous, at October 10, 2005 at 1:46 PM  

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