M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Tuesday, May 17, 2005  

I Have a Bad Feeling about This.

Trash doesn’t much like not knowing what’s going to happen in a movie she’s seeing (please don’t mock her for this; that’s my job). If something dark and scary is coming out that she thinks is interesting, she says, “You’re going to have to see that and tell me about it before I can go see it.” And then neither of us sees it until it’s out on DVD, so she can leave the room during the upsetting parts.

We can probably trace this back to what may have been the most frightened she’s ever been at a movie theater: during the climactic lightsaber battle between Luke and Vader in The Empire Strikes Back. Which, yeah. Me too, probably. What? We were ten.

So there’s a certain symmetry in the fact that the most recent movie I’ve been instructed to pre-screen is Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Hayden Christiansen is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly this week. Trash looked at it and said, “You’re going to have to see that and tell me what happens.”

I said, “I can tell you what happens now.

“Amidala gets pregnant and has twins. Palpatine takes Anakin under his leathery, batlike wing, turning him to the Dark Side. And he takes control of the Clone Army of Stormtroopers and declares himself Galactic Emperor. The Jedi get wiped out, except for Obi Wan Kenobi and Yoda. Yoda goes into hiding on Dagobah. Amidala’s twins get split up; the girl gets adopted by Senator Bail Organa from Alderaan, and the boy gets shipped off to Tatooine, which is also where Obi-Wan disappears to, escaping the Emperor’s iron fist and his former padawan’s mastery of the Force by changing his own first name to ‘Ben’ and assuming that Anakin will never find a boy with Anakin’s last name who lives on Anakin’s home planet. But first, Obi-Wan and Anakin have duel in a volcano and Anakin is burned so horribly that he has to start wearing a Darth Vader mask all the time. And maybe Amidala dies. Basically the whole series ends on kind of a downer.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Anything you can tell me that we didn’t know six years ago?”

“Chewbacca’s in it. And I think there’s an evil robot named General Grievous.”

“Now you’re just making shit up.”

“I wish.”

“I don’t know the order in which everything occurs, if that makes you feel better.”

“It doesn’t.”

Not that there’s much chance any time soon of my finding time to download and watch the fan-made Star Wars: Revelations (which is only forty minutes long and doesn’t require me to leave the house) on the Internet, let alone spend half a day standing in line at the movie theater and then sitting through a two-and-a-half-hour movie. I haven’t seen a movie at the theater since a couple weeks before M. Tiny was born. That movie?

The Village.

That boy of ours has a lot to answer for.

Today’s best search phrase: "Pointy chin yahoo." Who you calling pointy-chinned?

posted by M. Giant 6:10 AM 10 comments

10 Comments:

Dude, now is the time to go to movies. M. Tiny will sleep through them, and he isn't running all over, getting lost and demanding popcorn. I mean, he isn't running yet, is he?

By Anonymous Sarah, at May 17, 2005 at 7:11 AM  

So, will M. Tiny see them I-VI or IV-I?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at May 17, 2005 at 10:14 AM  

An unsolicited piece of advice from someone who has run a pediatric office? Semi-gloss paint. Everywhere. Pee, poop, food, crayon...it all just wipes off. Of course, the people in Home Depot will think you're insane, but never mind them.

By Anonymous Liz Dinsmore, at May 17, 2005 at 11:06 AM  

Please do not take M. Tiny to the movies. Get a nice friend or family member to watch him. As a public service please get a sitter.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at May 17, 2005 at 1:33 PM  

What's especially funny about this picture is the way M. Tiny is looking off to the right, as if he's trying to say "Mooom! Dad's being weird again, come and get me!" So cute.

By Anonymous Anne, at May 17, 2005 at 8:48 PM  

If M. Tiny sleeps you can take him to the movies. I went to the movies with my happy sleeping baby till he was about seven months old and began demanding popcorn.
You might also have one of those Mothers @ the movies things at a theater near you. You can bring the kid and try to watch the movie with other parents with kids.

By Anonymous mocat, at May 17, 2005 at 8:50 PM  

I don't know if you have them there, but we actually have a Drive-In theater, and we discovered it when my oldest was about three. We could see movies again! And he could scream his head off if he so desired! Without us getting booed out of a theater! Both of the kids adore it now. The baby conks out, and the oldest eats his weight in popcorn and hangs out quietly, or falls asleep. Lovely.

~Ellie

By Anonymous Anonymous, at May 18, 2005 at 5:24 PM  

Yuck. You saw The Village in the theater? That must have been fun.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at May 20, 2005 at 8:08 AM  

...and as I recall, someone had a crying child in that audience, too.

Or was that you, M.Giant?

By Blogger Febrifuge, at May 21, 2005 at 7:10 AM  

Best website ever for scaredy-cat movie-goers... themoviespoiler.com. I have to visit it before any movie that might contain any frightening element at all.

= )

em

By Anonymous Anonymous, at June 6, 2008 at 7:52 AM  

Post a Comment


Listed on BlogShares www.blogwise.com
ads!
buy my books!
professional representation
Follow me on Twitter
donate!
ads
Pictures
notify
links
loot
mobile
other stuff i
wrote
about
archives