M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Wednesday, May 11, 2005  

Humpblog (5/11/05)

I never thought I would want a "Baby on Board" sign for my car. I always agreed with the general interpretation that it was asking other motorists to drive more carefully, which would only piss a lot of them off. Now part of me wants a sign, but not for that reason. Unfortunately, I have yet to see a sign that says "Baby on Board. That's Why I'm Driving Like a Complete Wuss."

* * *

The past few weeks, I've been hearing about how Bill Frist has been doing some cagey maneuvering to position himself for a possible presidential run in 2008. I stopped believing a long time ago that the news media has that much influence in deciding national elections. Don’t believe me? Ask President McCain. But if they do, I imagine they're going to pull out all the stops to scuttle any Frist campaign. You know why? Copy editors won't stand for the prospect of spending four years wondering whether a reporter means "the Frist family" or "The First Family" every time it appears.

Of course, if copy editors had any power at all, people would quit misusing the word "literally" all the time.

* * *

Since my last entry, which was about feeding M. Tiny, I talked about how at least he doesn't spit. I spoke too soon.

Well, he still doesn't spit. Instead, he blows raspberries with a mouthful (and faceful) of food. If I've just emptied the spoon into his maw, then I can shield the surroundingd from the worst of it by holding the bowl a fraction of an inch in front of his mouth and let him blow himself out.

Something else I've learned: a couple of weeks ago, he was eating slowly, not cooperating by opening his mouth for the approaching spoon. There was a long pause, during which I stubbornly coaxed and cajoled him to open his mouth for me, while he just as stubbornly refused. Until he suddenly opened wide and inhaled while hiws eyes screwed shut.

In the ensuing tenths of a second, I realized that he was about to sneeze. I could wait for the moment to pass, or I could take advantage of what (I thought) was his vulnerable oral posture, this vanishingly brief window of opportunity.

I chose poorly.

The thing about trying to synchronize the insertion of a spoonful of strained squash with a baby's sneeze is this: it's a really dumb idea. Really, really dumb.

* * *

The place where I work has announced this employee-wellness-related campaign aimed at me and my thousands of coworkers. It's called "Take the Stairs," and it centerpiece is, naturally, encouraging us to take the stairs. Since I work on the 24th floor, actually taking the stairs each day would amount to a not insignificant amount of exercise.

I don't know what all the campaign entails. Probably e-mails, stickers, magnets, little logbooks, whatever. But you know what would really impress me about this program?

If, as part of it, they unlocked the door from the stairwell to my floor.

In the meantime, I shall continue taking the elevator and being a fat-ass.

Today's best search phrase: "Peeing on light sockets light sockets." I would advise against it, but something tells me it's already too late.

posted by M. Giant 4:38 PM 8 comments

8 Comments:

First!
Ooo, wait, this isn't Uncle Bob...

Back to catching up on my Librarian homework. No, really.

By Blogger Yana/Jenn, at May 11, 2005 at 9:54 PM  

But really, have Trash look up some legal stuff to bully them into opening the door to the stairwell.

By Blogger Yana/Jenn, at May 11, 2005 at 9:55 PM  

Finally a new Velcrometer. If you had added a picture of M. Tiny sneezing food, it would be perfect.

By Anonymous Nancy, at May 12, 2005 at 10:31 AM  

"chose poorly"
Haw, haw, haw! Y'know, babies are sent to humble us. I remember the time that #3 was 6 months; #2 was old enough to hide, and #1 wasn't with us at the time (long story). We were brave, and invited the boss to dinner. To keep #3 quiet, we fed her vanilla wafers. Little did we know that Nilla Wafers + baby spit = a fast setting concrete, second only to what holds up the V'zanno Narrows Bridge. In the hair, but most especially in the carpet.

Yummy...

(I shudder to think what would have happened if #4 were with us at that time. LA LA LA LA ...)

By Blogger nobody, at May 12, 2005 at 9:13 PM  

There's a song by a Canadian singer named Nancy White entitled "Child on Board". The theme is that parents need the sign to explain why our deving is so funny.

As to blowing rasberries with a mouth full of food, the boy used to do that. It's especially fun being showered with a fine shower of applesauce while on an airplane.

JudyZ

By Anonymous Anonymous, at May 13, 2005 at 1:38 PM  

Peeing on light sockets light sockets

Why do people seem to repeat the search phrases they use? Do they think that they will get twice as many results? Or is that maybe a lyric in a song?

By Anonymous Sam, at May 13, 2005 at 1:41 PM  

Please make that bumper sticker and sell it to me!

By Blogger Nancy, at May 14, 2005 at 5:37 PM  

I hate to mention it, but my understanding is that the *real* use for those annoying 'baby on board' signs is that in an accident the rescue services know they may have to search for a baby in the wreckage as well as much more easily-visible adults.

I feel horrible for bringing that up :(

By Anonymous Libby, at May 16, 2005 at 1:34 AM  

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