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Tuesday, May 31, 2005  

Chilling Effects

Those of you who know how this ends, try not to ruin it for anyone else.

Last weekend, Trash and I had been outside doing yard work all day. After what seemed like three weeks of nonstop rain, the idea of going inside just wasn't doing it for us, even though it would have meant not clearing brush for a while. At one point, we packed up the kid and headed off to the nursery for some new outdoor plants, and then decided to hit the local DQ drive-thru so we could a) get some kind of cold treat, and b) have a couple hours' break while we waited for our stuff.

By this point, we were so hot and thirsty that an ordinary drink wasn't going to cut it. Even ice-cold wasn't going to cut it. We needed something colder than ice. So naturally, our eyes fell greedily upon a new menu item: "Arctic Rush." We each ordered one.

Later that afternoon, we reached the window, got our treats, and began sucking them down. And instantly felt as if we'd been attacked by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Batman & Robin. We didn't know what they put in these Arctic Rush things, but they were seriously cold. Possibly the coldest things we'd ever put into our mouths.

Mine was cherry and Trash's was blue raspberry, but at those temperatures flavor was irrelevant. They tasted cold, period. Ten minutes later, they were still freezing cold. We tried taking tiny sips. We tried holding some in our mouths until it warmed up. We tried holding tiny sips in our mouths until they warmed up. No matter what we did, every taste was like sword-swallowing a six-foot-long Arctic core sample.

I theorized that perhaps space-age technology had made this possible. That it wasn't mere ice mixed with our beverage, but some super-enhanced liquid polymer with a freezing temperature below that of water. And that it was suspended in some insulating medium that prevented contact with the more temperate conditions normally found in our home dimension. Or perhaps we were simply eating fruit-flavored nitrogen slushies.

This was pure, distilled cold. This was a freon cocktail. This was hypothermia in a plastic cup. This was twelve fluid ounces of absolute zero.

So our friends Chao and the Disqueen and their friend were up for a Memorial Day Weekend disc golf tournament here in the area. On Sunday night, I asked whether any of them had tried this new thing at DQ that they really shouldn't sell you without making you sign a waiver. None of them had ever heard of it. As I explained it, it was basically a lot like a Mr. Misty, but several orders of magnitude colder. The Arctic Rush makes Mr. Misty look like a big girl, I explained. Chao immediately had to try this, so we all piled into the car (M. Tiny included) and embarked on the short trek to DQ.

As always, the line for the cash register was several times longer than the actual drive. While we were waiting, Chao happened to notice that the old standby Mr. Misty was no longer on the menu.

"Did the Arctic Rush replace the Mr. Misty?" he asked. "Maybe it's the same thing."

"No way," I said. "This is so far beyond the Mr. Misty."

Eventually we got up to the cash register.

"Did the Arctic Rush replace the Mr. Misty?" He asked the cashier.

"Yeah, it's the same thing, just in a different cup," she said.

Everyone looked at me.

"Okay, now I feel like an idiot," I said.

* * *

Are you going to be in New York on Friday night? I am, and so are a whole slew of other Television Without Pity recappers.
And you can come see us!

I'd give you all the details, but it’s late and all you really need to do is keep scrolling.

Today's best search phrase: "Pretty mask that makes you look exactly like a pretty lady." Jame? Is that you?

posted by M. Giant 9:56 PM 4 comments


Damn it, M. Giant! Why didn't you give us more notice about the reading? I would LOVE to come, but I will be out of town.

By Anonymous erin, at June 1, 2005 at 11:45 AM  

Damn it! Me too. Wait...that's because I'm here. So, uh, call me when you get back.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at June 1, 2005 at 8:09 PM  

Ahh -- is Trash staying home with M. Tiny or are all of you going to the big city?

By Anonymous Trish, at June 3, 2005 at 12:26 PM  

Dude, the Re-Capades were a hoot! I can't wait to read your takes on 6 Feet Under.

By Anonymous Twop's MisterZ, at June 6, 2005 at 5:50 AM  

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