M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Friday, April 01, 2005  

Humpblog (4/1/05)

For this year's April Fool's joke, I'm going to try to convince you that today is still Wednesday and that this entry isn't actually two days late. Is it working?

* * *

Hey, wanna buy a Television Without Pity recapper? In an auction? It's for a good cause.

Actually, you wouldn't be buying one. You'd be renting one. But not in a coming-to-your-house-and-making-snotty-remarks-at-whatever-you're-watching-on-TV way. Basically, you'd be buying a recap for any old show you want (as long as it's an hour or less). You pick the show, you pick the recapper. And, of course, it doesn't have to be me. Most of the TWoP staff is in the pool of available recappers for the winning bidder to choose from.

Did I mention it's for charity? This month's auction is for the benefit of Donors Choose, a charity designed to help support public schools with limited resources. Gotta make sure kids develop intelligence and critical thinking skills. For the next generation of recappers, you know.

And you probably don't have to raise the cash all by yourself. Check out the Tubey's Kids forum at TWoP to see if there's a bid in progress for your show of choice.

It's snark for smarts! Everybody wins!

Unless I end up recapping an hour of C-SPAN, of course.

* * *

Of course, if you lose the auction, that leaves the question of what you're going to do with the money you would have spent that now you aren't going to. If it were me, I'd say give it to Rob from Darn Tootin', who's trying to raise money for his five-year-old daughter, who has a congenital neurological disorder called CBPS. Little Schuyler will never be physically able to speak, but a machine can help her communicate with the world while developing her language skills. Naturally, the machine costs a bomb. Which is where you come in. Or, more accurately, come off. Some cash, I mean.

Hey, a minute ago you were seriously thinking about which episode of Saved by the Bell you were prepared to drop a few bills to get recapped. Read more about Schuyler's Fund here.



* * *

Speaking of linguistic challenges, I thought that I'd read and remembered every Dr. Seuss book ever, from Hop on Pop to The Tree Hugging Hippie Lorax. But I have no memory whatsoever of Fox in Socks. It's basically a book-length tongue twister. The first couple of pages have more warnings than a pack of smokes, which I scoffed at. I was in speech in high school; I can handle myself.

Then I started reading.

See, the danger isn't that you'll actually hurt yourself. There's very little physical danger in reading about the fox in socks and his friend Knox, with their box, even when the chicks with bricks show up with their clocks that tock. No, the danger is that as you're reading your five-and-a-half month-old his bedtime story, you'll find yourself involuntarily sputtering about chicks with dicks and foxes' cocks. And I just don't think M. Tiny is ready for that yet. I gave up halfway through, and I don't even know how it ends. Probably with bitches biting butts and pissy, passé pussies and twenty tons of tits.

A pox on Fox in Socks.

* * *

Today's best search phrase: "When the flame-retardant books came out They had to burn the readers." Every once in a while, the search phrase comes up with something I wish I'd said.

posted by M. Giant 6:04 PM 7 comments

7 Comments:

Funny, I don't remember Fox in Socks ending quite like that. You must have a different version.

By Blogger Rebecca, at April 1, 2005 at 7:57 PM  

But not in a coming-to-your-house-and-making-snotty-remarks-at-whatever-you're-watching-on-TV way.
Oh, I think I'd pony up a lot more money for that than to see you recap C-Span.

Crack-cookie Katie (As it says on my birth certificate)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at April 1, 2005 at 9:51 PM  

I just spent several hours reading about Schuyler, and wow. Thank you for linking to her story. I can't give right now, but I plan to send something very soon.

Aren't you glad that M. Tiny is so healthy?
-mary

By Anonymous Anonymous, at April 1, 2005 at 10:38 PM  

Hee, when I was in college we used to play a drinking game with Fox in Sox. Everyone sat in a circle and you had to read one line from the book. If you read it correctly, you pass the book, if not, you have to drink and try again until you get it right. The first time through it goes ok, but, when you get to the end of the book, you pass to the next person and you then go through the book BACKWARDS. Yeah, after that no one is left standing. Ummm, don't tell M.Tiny about this yet either, I think.

Beth

By Anonymous Anonymous, at April 1, 2005 at 11:00 PM  

We played a game like that in college, but we would each come up with another word that the reader would have to insert into the book. If you failed, you drank. SO we did have lots of cocks-with-socks and chicks-suck-dicks.

Also something to keep from M. Tiny until he is older. Heh.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at April 2, 2005 at 11:13 AM  

I just finished your play, and all I can say is wow! It's beautiful. And bloody. And in verse -- that's amazing. Have you been interviewed about why and how you did it? I would love to hear the backstory.

Good job, M. Giant.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at April 2, 2005 at 11:30 AM  

My sister and I used to torture our dad with *Fox in Socks* when we were little. He has a North Florida drawl (all the speed of Southern without the accent) and would get impossibly tongue-tied. Heh. Then we made him pay for college.

By Anonymous Leslie, at April 2, 2005 at 11:44 PM  

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