M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Monday, December 13, 2004  

Under Siege

I know it’s very popular among online writers these days to say, “Hey, my book’s out! Buy my book! Click here!” Except I don’t have a book.

I have a play. And it’s out.

You heard me. My play’s out! Buy my play! Click here!

For now you can only get it from the publisher’s website. I am listed on Amazon, but not stocked there. Yet.

Trash is working on that part. Reason number 6,843,138,463,480 why it’s advantageous to be married to a hot librarian. I’ll keep you posted.

On the Amazon thing, I mean. Not on reasons 8 through 754. Those reasons are private.

* * *

The second- and thrid-place sugar cookie recipes are now posted in the previous entry, if you want to scroll. Down. I’m still waiting to hear from the winner. For all I know, she’s going to be the J.D. Salinger of sugar cookies and we’ll never hear from her again.

As I mentioned, the annual Christmas Cookie Baking Blowout was at our house this year. That may have been an error.

Not because M. Tiny was here, because he wasn’t. My parents were good enough to take him yesterday and look after him overnight. So he got his first overnight (out of state, no less! A hundred yards out of state, but still), Trash got to concentrate on baking on Friday, and we actually slept that night. I’d forgotten what it was like to not walk into walls several times a day.

No, the problem with our house as a baking venue is a more external one. Literally.

It’s standard operating procedure to put certain items out on the front stoop to cool. It only makes sense. It’s faster that way, and there’s only so much room in the house. And it’s not like a squirrel is going to make off with an entire tray of candy molds.

While I was at work Friday, I was on the phone with Trash. In the background, I heard Blaine give a yelp of offended surprise. A squirrel had, in fact, made off with an entire tray of candy molds.

Thusly burdened, it had only made it to about the middle of the yard, and when Blaine burst through the front door after it, it abandoned its prize like the guy in a police video ditching the pickup he’s been driving on its rims for three miles. The chocolates from that particular tray will, naturally, be going to people we don’t like much.

After that, the chocolates that were left to solidify outside were first placed in a cooler.

Saturday morning, as we were gearing up for Day Two, the squirrel came back. There wasn’t anything on the front stoop for it to get into, so it paced along the windowbox outside the kitchen. I got my first look at him. He’s a big fellow. He’s bigger than Phantom and Turtle. Combined.

If you ever go to Greece, check out the stray cats. Greek strays are bad-ass. They’re tough and muscular and if one of them decides he wants your gyro, you hand it over. This squirrel was the rodent equivalent of a Greek stray. It looked like he was trying to figure out how to lift the windowpane, and I found myself glad that it was locked.

After I finished making the fudge, I was extra careful to get the cellophane wrap tightly over it so that no whiff of the deliciousness inside could escape. Normally that isn’t necessary, but with a marauding squirrel on the loose we thought no precaution was too much.

When we put the Rice Krispy bars outside an hour later, the cellophane over the fudge had a huge gash in it and the fudge itself looked like a child’s fist had gouged through it. And somewhere out there was a twenty-five-pound squirrel on a sugar high.

People we don’t like are also getting fudge.

When it came time to put the chocolate reindeer antlers outside to freeze, we set them on the back deck. It was now dark, so we lit candles all around them. We also put leashes on two cats and tied them to the deck railings. And gave them shotguns.

The squirrel didn’t come after the chocolate reindeer antlers. We figure it was because by that time he was in a diabetic coma. Almost all trays will have chocolate reindeer antlers.

We may need to look into fertilizing the lawn with crack again.

Today's best search phrase: "Hissyfit my shoulder pads." Hissyfit your own shoulder pads, Alexis.

posted by M. Giant 8:27 PM 9 comments


Dude! Finally! You mentioned your play in February and March and then never again (if I didn't miss anything on my trip through your archives). Promote harder! Link back to those entries! Use more exclamation points! Demand that loyal readers link to the book! Offer a prize to the first person who puts the play on in their backyard like the Bradys did with Snow White.

I know you are all low key, but PROMOTE!

And congratulations.


By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 14, 2004 at 12:55 AM  

Oh my word. Squirrel in a coma; I know, I know it's serious.

For a second there, when he was eyeing the window, I was worried you were going to say the rodent tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash. ...and the sash said MISS NEWARK across it.

Are you sure you don't, like, live near a Hellmouth?

Congrats on the publishing, ya bug stud.

By Blogger Febrifuge, at December 14, 2004 at 8:05 AM  

"ya bug stud"? Is this really what you meant to say?

Anyway, congratulations on the play being published. I just took a quick look at the linked page, and it looks awesome!

By Blogger Joanne, at December 14, 2004 at 4:53 PM  

It's only for special occasions, but sometimes I talk to MG as though he were Anthony Edwards and I were Meg Ryan, from their scene together in "Top Gun."

It's not that he encourages it, so much as he doesn't specifically object.

By Blogger Febrifuge, at December 14, 2004 at 8:45 PM  

Everyone should buy this play. It kicks ass. Specifically, it kicks the long dead asses of Tourneur, Middleton, Webster, and those guys all over the damn place.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 15, 2004 at 7:19 AM  

Well, I just ordered it -- it's cheap, too! -- and they sent me an e-mail stating that they were sorry for the delay, but that they would try to get it to me by Christmas. So, yay! Merry Christmas to me!

Also, what delay? That's in like, 2 weeks.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 15, 2004 at 9:02 AM  

I second what Lawre said, and not just because we were in the first staged version of the play. It seriously rules -- and who else do you know that would write a feminist Jacobean revenge tragedy -- in VERSE! -- during this decade?

Also, we did NOT give out the bad fudge and candy molds to people we don't like. People we don't like simply didn't get any cookies at all.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 15, 2004 at 9:17 AM  

Sorry -- that last comment was from Trash. I should really jsut sign up already.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 15, 2004 at 9:18 AM  

Am I the only one who saw the entry title "Under Siege" and had visions of Gary Busey dancing in drag?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 17, 2004 at 12:48 PM  

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