M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Tuesday, December 21, 2004  

Humpblog (12/21/04)

It occurs to me that now that I have three cats and a baby, two-thirds of the house produces bodily waste that I have to physically carry out of the house.

By headcount, of course. Not by weight. That would probably be grounds for suicide.

* * *

I didn’t get my Christmas lights up on the outside of the house until the second week of December this year. Which is kind of sad. It means they’ll only be up for six months this year instead of the usual seven.

Of course, I typically stop turning them on at the end of the holiday season (by which I mean MLK Day). By that time, a few strings are starting to straggle, and others are beginning to blink out entirely, so it wouldn’t look too nice anyway.

Two days after I put up the lights, the wind came. I’ve never heard it blow so hard against the side of the house. It was the sound you hear when you’re driving a car down the highway on a day when gusts are coming at you all the way from the Rockies and trying to blow you into the next lane. And also, the highway is in freefall from an airplane.

I knew the wind had never blown that hard against our house before, because our downspout has never blown down before. Until that day.

It’s sad, because the lights that were wrapped around the downspout were plugged into the string of lights that ran along the front rain gutter, which also supplied power to the net lights that illuminate our living room window. So now the lights that I carefully strung to illuminate the south corner of our house are now illuminating the front of the foundation instead, the rain gutter lights droop from the porch light fixture to the bushes, and the net lights are completely dark.

And speaking of the bushes, the lights I artfully arranged there (which are on older strings that don’t always work, so I had to not only get them strung right for aesthetic purposes, but also in a position in which they would stay on) got blown to the back of the bush, so that instead of a cloud of bulbs uniformly decorating it, it had several tightly-bunched loops of light string draped over the bundle of branches nearest the house. Which would look like hell if those lights still worked. Which they don’t.

I leaned the downspout back up against the front of the house, putting off proper reattachment until the weather warms up enough that taking on an outdoor project more than five minutes in duration won’t require finger reattachment. The strings from the bush I desultorily redistributed among the lack of foliage, and called it a day.

I called the next day something else, because it was another windy one. The downspout hit the ground again, as did most of the lights on the bush.

Maybe I’ll take my Christmas lights down early this year. Like maybe tomorrow.

* * *

Then, of course, there was the outdoor nativity display we spotted this weekend near my sister-in-law Lisa’s house. It’s one of those actual-size numbers. The wind had blown Mary, Joseph, all of the livestock, and two wise men flat on their faces. It looked as if the last wise man standing had decided against gold, frankincense, or myrrh at the last minute and opted to instead bear the gift of hot lead.

I bet it was Melchior. I never trusted that dude.

* * *

My favorite holiday display, however, is one I haven’t even seen; I’ve only heard about it. M. Tiny’s birth mom was telling us about an outdoor nativity set not far from her place where every figure standing over the manger was an alien. And inside the manger? A large egg.

I’m always happy when I hear about somebody who’s going to Hell besides me.

Today’s best search phrase: “U have funny car.” Hey, little man, I C that station wagons may not B as cool as they once were, but at least I don’t ride around in a purple limo 4 no reason. So screw U 2.

posted by M. Giant 7:40 PM 4 comments


An alien nativity? That is so cool! Perhaps the extreme wind was caused by the landing of their spacecraft?

By Blogger Rebecca, at December 22, 2004 at 6:39 AM  

We once had a set of neighbors with which we had "differences", and so during this season of love and giving, we switched from chucking the dead rats (left by cats) onto the top of their RV to chucking them onto and into their lifesized nativity scene.

By Blogger ElleStarr, at December 22, 2004 at 7:13 AM  

As we all now wait with bated breath for the Second Clucking.


By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 23, 2004 at 9:34 AM  

delurking to say: I remarked the other night how it's a lifelong dream of mine (inspired by a bunch of kids I know who spent a winter amusing themselves stealing lawn ornaments) to steal the Baby Jesus out of a nativity...so I could put him in my altar for all year 'round. Of course, I am going to hell, because I would replace him with a ham.


By Anonymous Anonymous, at December 27, 2004 at 10:07 PM  

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