M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Wednesday, September 08, 2004  

Humpblog (9/08/04)

Check out this e-mail trash found in her inbox not too long ago:

Hi,

My name is Elva and I was asked by Lord to talk to you about the benefits of the product that I am using.

I have been married for over 12 years now and lately, like all marriage's, we have become more and more distant from each other. We have not been intimate in over 6 months. Well about a month ago, I came across an email that was selling these products that was guaranteed to help with our problem. I was hesistant at first, but decided to go ahead and try it anyway. To my surprise, it worked exactly as they said.


And yet they "have not" been intimate in over six months. What was it they said, Elva?

It's not the miracle that will save a marriage but it will definatlely help put the spark back into the relationship. I am trying to help as many people as I can to find the happiness that once was. You should definately check it out and tell me what you think

[link removed]

Just get back to me and tell me if I was able to help you with this.

Thanks,

Marvin Khan


Marvin? What the hell happened to Elva? This may be more spark than I'm ready to bargain for. Oh, and one more thing:

compressive territorial anybody'd churchillian escheat laguerre doppler expectation scarsdale copy stoichiometry alumna resent sadler mum bitternut upwind acorn depreciable burgundy .
bout grandchild hermite throes amsterdam mennonite boldface classic joyce ballerina agribusiness defrost membrane corvallis missouri prayer waterfall moser bodice biotic rutland cupful thirteen evasive


Amsterdam Mennonite boldface? That's just fucked up.

And while Elva/Marvin struggles to keep her/his relationship alive, there are other relationships that just won't seem to die. No matter what.

From Yahoo! News:

Dead Couple to Be Married

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - A South African man who shot his pregnant fiance dead before killing himself will be posthumously married to her at the weekend.

Police Captain Mohale Ramatseba said David Masenta shot 25-year-old Mgwanini Molomo after a quarrel before turning the gun on himself. But Johannesburg's Sowetan newspaper said family and friends wanted to remember them as a happy couple destined for a happy life together.

The groom's corpse would be dressed in a cream suit and his bride's in a gown for the ceremony, at which a priest in the rural village of Ceres in Limpopo will bless the union before the two are buried, the Sowetan said.

"In African culture, there is no death -- there is merely the separation of body and soul," said cultural expert Mathole Motshekga. "It is also important because the families are married together."

"This does not mean the relationship has irretrievably broken down."


Maybe not, but the question of what needs to be done to retrieve it still stands. Unlike the couple in question.

I don't know, this just strikes me as a little presumptuous. Like, maybe the bride and/or groom knew something that the families don't. Or the reverse might have been true. Maybe the late couple figured a murder-suicide would be the only way out of a wedding that their families were pressuring them into, clearly underestimating said families' commitment to their, um, happiness.

Finally, it turns out that I wrote about the Olympics this year a lot more than I thought I was going to, i.e., any. But then this came from my sister-in-law, Deniece's mom, and I just thought I had to share it with the nine of you who are as behind the curve as I am and thus haven't seen it. Assuming it's not apocryphal, of course, because some of these may date back to before the Athens games. Like, to the original Athens games.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"


What, indeed?

Today's best search phrase: "The letter M." I don't know, I might have used a few of those over the years.


posted by M. Giant 5:18 PM 7 comments

7 Comments:

Ahh ha ha, Cox. We've got a second-string quarterback this year by the name of Cox. My husband says when the crowd wants him to get in the game, everyone will be chanting, "We want Cox, we want Cox!"

By Blogger a Carrie, at September 8, 2004 at 8:18 PM  

My name is Elva and I was asked by Lord to talk to you about the benefits of the product that I am using.

Umm, that's just gross. I mean, your sex life is your own business, but to get GOD involved? I don't know, but after he was dissed at the VMAs and now this, I don't think he is having the best week.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 8, 2004 at 9:47 PM  

Hee! Funny stuff. For your amusement, here's a killer of a line from an Australian commentator. The Germans had just come from behind to win a rowing event, and:

"Yes, well, I think the Germans just had a superior race plan."

Yes. Yes, they did.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 9, 2004 at 5:21 AM  

Check out snopes.com. Those comments apparently have been going around for a while and someone just changed them to fit the Olympics. Still funny though.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 9, 2004 at 7:16 AM  

Ugh -- I love my boyfriend, but if we were to have a murder/suicide situation, I don't think I would want to then be married to him. Yuck.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 9, 2004 at 7:56 AM  

Yeah, that's kind of what I thought. Even if they were happy before, she might have taken the opportunity to reconsider, knowing how it would turn out.

Linda

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 9, 2004 at 10:26 AM  

No kidding. *family and friends wanted to remember them as a happy couple destined for a happy life together.* Gee, I am guessing that SHE wanted to think of them in those terms as well, right up until he shot and killed her.

And they say romance is dead.

-Trash

By Anonymous Anonymous, at September 9, 2004 at 10:50 AM  

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