M. Giant's
Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Saturday, August 07, 2004  

Head Games

I was at my desk at work a couple of weeks ago when I felt a mild tickle behind my left ear. I reached back to try to find out what it was—a bug, a stray breeze, a phantom sensation brought on by a heretofore asymptomatic brain tumor—and my fingers came away with something gently entangled in them. It was a long, reddish-blonde hair.

My hair is neither blonde nor particularly long. Trash's, however, is. How did one of her hairs get mixed in with mine? Simple. She had used my hairbrush again.

I'm not normally uptight about this kind of thing. I don't even care if she uses my razor, because I'm not like some guys whose very biorhythms are attuned to the acuity of the blade at any given moment. I'd even let her use my toothbrush, provided she hadn't been eating dill pickle potato chips recently. The hairbrush thing bugs me, though.

It didn't used to be an issue. I used to have this cheap-ass, yellow plastic brush that was molded as one piece, as far as I know. Trash hated using it because it hurt her head. But then I retired that brush to my traveling toiletry kit and upgraded to a black-and-purple, state-of-the-art Conair™ that's so ergonomically correct you could sleep on it. Trash has no problem with that brush whatsoever. And I have a problem with that.

I'm the first to admit that in the mornings I'm fairly grumpy and, frankly, none too bright. I just want to get through my AM ablutions as quickly as possible so I can get in the car and settle back into a pleasant doze for my drive to work. So it's a little annoying when I go to draw my hairbrush over my wet-from-the-shower head and I end up dragging a curtain of my wife's hair upside my face. It's not that I have anything against my wife's hair, which is lovely, but when it drags over my face I prefer that it still be attached to her head.

We've talked about this. I've asked her not to do it. Sadly, she's not a great deal smarter than I am in the morning, and when it's time to work out the tangles she just grabs whatever's there (in most cases, my hairbrush). She's got a perfectly nice girlie brush of her own. Which she uses all over the house. Which doesn't always make it back to the bathroom, where my brush is still sitting on the sink the following morning, just calling up to her, going "Trash! Trash! Use me! I am so tired of short dark hair with lots of gray in it that means my owner will soon be dead! I would much rather get a faceful of your glorious golden mane!" Which it does. Which, then, I do.

Putting my hairbrush away in the drawer helps somewhat, but only a little, because it's still on top of everything else in the drawer. So she can just pull it open, reach in, grab the first handle her fingers close on, and get right to work loading up my hairbrush with her detached scalp-stalks.

It's become quite the recurring issue. To her credit, she feels bad about it afterward (especially if I bitch at her), so she'll take my brush and pull her hairs out of it and hand it back to me. Which goes a long way towards restoring my goodwill. But all those seconds I stand there waiting for my brush back can add up. We could be talking about as much as three minutes over the course of my lifetime.

AuteurCakes came up to Minnesota and stayed with us last weekend, and on Monday morning I was all, "Hmm! Honey, it looks like AuteurCakes used my hairbrush this weekend! Even though her hair is lighter than yours, and lighter than the hair that's clogging my brush right now, I know you didn't use my hairbrush. I know this because I've asked you not to. I should have asked AuteurCakes not to as well…" but by this time Trash was already standing next to me in the bathroom, holding my brush and pulling her hairs free.

I probably shouldn't be writing about the most irritating thing my wife does. But then, on the other hand, if this is as irritating as she gets after nearly thirteen years of marriage, I'm obviously getting a pretty good bargain.

Today's best search phrase: "Forceps dire hummer." I imagine that any hummer involving forceps could become quite dire indeed.

posted by M. Giant 4:36 PM 16 comments

16 Comments:

yay! It's about time he added comments, even if the entry was about how annoying I am.

--trash

By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 7, 2004 at 5:06 PM  

Comments! How delightful! I have to agree that Unauthorized Hairbrush Use does sound quite innocuous in the grand scheme of domestic gripes. But then again, I have to admit that I would probably find Unauthorized Toothbrush Use grounds for major freakout and divorce.

By Blogger Artichoke Heart, at August 7, 2004 at 8:53 PM  

Sweet. My college roommate used to use my nice scissors to trim her crotch hair. Send your wife over here, I can live with a shared hairbrush. Plus, she can tag team the bear with me. (The bear that hasn't killed me yet.) -Sayer

By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 8, 2004 at 4:47 PM  

Cut your hair wicked (yes, people in Boston actually use that word as an adjective) short so you don't have to use a brush. It's passive agressive but it will work. Plus it makes your morning ablutions easier and saves on shampoo.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 9, 2004 at 7:01 AM  

My husband has a similar complaint. His revolves around my hairs getting on his clothes. Because my hair is long and curly and blonde - he feels its harder to hide his married from the ladies. - Zoot

By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 9, 2004 at 7:58 AM  

Time to install two drawers in the bathroom! One for her brush, and one for yours.

By Blogger Marissa, at August 9, 2004 at 9:29 AM  

Woohoo! Comments! I don't actually have a comment today. --Laura (the Laura who thinks Trash looks like Linda Hamilton)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 9, 2004 at 10:03 AM  

Lick your hairbrush. She won't want to use it then... or will she?!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 9, 2004 at 12:21 PM  

Oh no. Licking the brush will dangerously up the ante, evoking tiny evil smiles from Trash at all hours of the day with no way of really knowing what she's done in return.

Trust me on this.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 9, 2004 at 12:38 PM  

I'm so happy you added comments!

And I'm with you on the hairbrush thing. If anyone uses mine, I INSIST that they clean all of the hair out of it or buy me a new one. Their choice.

By Blogger DeAnn, at August 9, 2004 at 1:07 PM  

Yay, comments!

My long hair irritates my husband as well, but not because I use his hair brush (I don't like his goofy one). He tends to find my hairs lodged in the crack of his butt; it drives him nuts. Pulling them back out is the worst for him. I've had long hair all my life though, so I'm used to that feeling.

By Blogger a Carrie, at August 9, 2004 at 2:24 PM  

I told Trash your husband should stop sitting on your head. She responded that he should stop eating your hair. I hate it when she out-grosses me.

By Blogger M. Giant, at August 9, 2004 at 9:27 PM  

I don't really have anything re: the entry. Just wanted to say, "M. Giant has comments! Whee!"

Because it really doesn't take much to make me happy.

By Blogger Carol Elaine, at August 9, 2004 at 9:37 PM  

You could spend a hundred dollars or so buying her enough nice hairbrushes that there is always one in the bathroom. I have an apartment, and it takes more than five brushes to get to that level. I think you've got a house, so we're talking double digits of brushes. Then continue to drawerize yours, while she gets to keep hers on the counter.

By Blogger jen, at August 10, 2004 at 1:02 AM  

I used to have long red hair (now it is short red hair) and my husband was most annoyed about it clogging up the shower drain. He once cleaned the drain and said that he expected to find a small head attached to the massive amount of hair that he pulled out.

That's just payback for all the "pepper" that he leaves in the sink after using his electric shaver. Would it kill him to rinse out the sink afterward? Apparently, yes.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 10, 2004 at 7:04 AM  

Hold up -- I think Jen is on to something. Have a whole bunch of brushes, one for every couple of rooms in the house. And then (this is the cool part, and I know it's cool because it requires a wi-fi cloud) put those little Wal-Mart RF tags in them, so the brushes can tell if there's another brush already in the room.

There would also be a tiny little speaker in each brush. Two or more brushes within 10 feet of one another, and a soothing beep-tone would alert Trash that she needs to move one or more of the brushes to their 'home base.' Also, you could fix it so that if any brush is more than, say, 30 feet from its proper place, it would emit a piercing alarm.

The disadvantage is that each brush would cost maybe 40 bucks (with volume discount), but in almost no time, the aggravation would cause Trash to rip out all her hair, and then there is no problem here.

-ZenViking
PS: So you're saying, that brush in the 1st-floor bathroom is NOT the crotch-brush? Uh... sorry.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 12, 2004 at 6:09 AM  

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