M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Saturday, June 19, 2004  

They'll Hook You Up

Trash underwent a little minor surgery yesterday. Everything went fine, and she's home recovering now. But it wasn't without its surreal moments.

For instance, there was the day-before briefing she got over the phone on Thursday. You know, all the stuff a person needs to know before going in.

"Don't eat anything after midnight the night before, and don't drink any more than a few sips of water after that."


"Don't take any aspirin, either.


"Have someone there to drive you home and be with you all day."


"Leave your jewelry and valuables at home."


"Wear loose, comfortable clothing."


"And be sure to bring plenty of cash for the painkillers."


What the hell is that about? Is she having surgery at Woodstock or something? Is some skanky-looking old hippie going to be wheeling a cart full or narcotics through the recovery room, swarmed by slow-moving patients wearing hospital gowns and leashed to rolling IV stands, while a jack-in-the-box bell version of Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride" comes pouring out of a speaker on the back?

I was under the impression that the pre-surgery briefing's purpose is to reassure the patient as well as inform her. After hers, Trash was not only not reassured, but she had more questions than before.

First: Why cash? Is this supposed to be under the table somehow? If I'm not supposed to get drugs here, should I be considering a different hospital? One that takes checks, maybe?

Second: Why do I have to get them at the same place I have my surgery? This is a fairly well developed area, with plenty of perfectly reputable pharmacies, many of which do not insist on cash.

Third: Why painkillers? You mean this is going to hurt?

Afterwards, the nurse did send me down to an actual pharmacy in the hospital, where they accepted my health insurance and everything. Although I did hand over my copayment in cash. Just to keep the narcs off the trail, you understand.

Today's best search phrase: "Des Moines faux finish." I don't know what kind of technique you'd use to get that room in your house to look exactly like Des Moines, but I wish you the best of luck.

posted by M. Giant 4:25 PM 0 comments


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