Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks
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M. Giant's Velcrometer Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks |
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Monday, May 31, 2004 Reader Mail Slot, Episode XXV Very tired right now. Too tired to write an entry, in fact. Too tired to even write a Reader Mail entry, in fact. I'm tempted to just turn on comments and say, "Write it your own damn selves." But that's like the online journal equivalent of sending out party invitations and then having everybody show up to find me crashed out on the sofa in front of an infomercial in my wifebeater with an open beer wedged between my man-boobs. So I'll at least put some pants on. Good thing I got plenty of mail this month. And that's not even counting all the suggestions for throat remedies everyone sent in. Those were numerous enough to constitute an entry on their own. Not this one, though. Hey, remember when that asshole almost killed me on I-94 a few weeks ago? Uli does: Hitting the horn so hard that you blow a fuse is quite an achievement. Until I got rid of my old bomb of a car last year, I survived quite some time with perhaps the only thing better than no horn - a horn that only worked when the steering wheel was turned at a certain angle. And that angle was, of course, hard-right turn or hard left-turn. Perfect for use when trying to avoid a substantial accident, but no use at all when trying to honk annoying pedestrians or tailgaters. Good luck with the repairs. Ah, yes. Repairs. What a concept. As we were stuck behind a slow driver the other day, Trash said, "You can honk when people do that." Not right now, I can't. Having a rental car with a functioning horn was one of the many perks of being in California last week. Another suggestion, this from one who knows the stretch of road of which I speak: I've seen that happen too many times, and although it might be satisfying to pull a 'Road Warrior' style move on him, I've got a better idea. Next time, get the plate, dial 911, and report a reckless, drunken driver with a weapon (his car) and let him enjoy the professionalism of the Minnesota State Patrol via a felony car stop (DRIVER! TAKE THREE STEPS TO YOUR LEFT! DRIVER! GET DOWN ON YOUR STMOACH, HANDS OUT TO THE SIDES!). Who knows, the a-hole might even have a warrant... Matt St. Paul They really do that, you know. As I learned to my chagrin after cutting off the wrong person a couple of weeks later. I'm kidding. That never happened. Kimberly from Squoogy remembers her commencement speaker, who, like mine, was also not Jon Stewart. Ha! My commencement speaker was the distinguished Madeleine Albright too. I don't remember what was going on in the world during the spring of 1998, but I remember she gave a speech about it. And I was a senior marshal so I was in the third row for it. Some of the highlights include: "Blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. I cannot believe that girl wore her bangs like that under her graduation cap. It looks ridiculous. Blah blah blah. Blah blah." Ok, that bangs part was probably me. Hey, that's the year I graduated! We must have been at the same ceremony. That's so cool. Although I must say it's not very nice of Kimberly to make fun of the way I wore my bangs. Hola, M. Giant, I've been reading your entries for a about a year now and I have to tell you how much joy my husband and I get from of your entries on Dr. Jellyfinger. You see, it seems that we live in a house owned by his cousin, Mr. Hamhands. In November, we bought a house built in 1938 and inhabited for 30+ years by one Mr. Hamhands, a denture maker with a "shop" he made for himself in the basement (was Dr. Jellyfinger by chance a dentist?). It seems that Mr. Hamhands thought it would be wise to put his artistic and technical skills to use around the house. Oh, the crap we are uncovering! We thought that the painted-over layers of wallpaper and the unbudging tape residue on the hardwood floors (wouldn't want those carpets to slide, ya know) were the worst of it. As we prepare to remodel the kitchen, we are discovering even more delights. We look forward to more tales of your updating efforts. Perhaps we will learn some tips on undoing the horrors that were committed against this lovely old house. Cheers, Lucy My best tip? A ten-gallon tank of gasoline and a road flare. You'll thank me later. Today's best search phrase: "TWoP 'Murder She Wrote'." Don't hold your breath, okay? posted by M. Giant 7:51 PM 0 comments 0 Comments:
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