Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks
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M. Giant's Velcrometer Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks |
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Friday, April 23, 2004 Joke Show Overflow So the Joke Show is over. It was last Saturday. You can listen to it here if you missed it. Here's the thing about the Joke Show – I've read nine quintillion jokes the past couple of months. I have more jokes in my brain than neurons at this point. I can't keep them in. And of course, there's only time on the show to tell two hundred or so of them. Now, I know how ridiculous it is to use a web journal to tell jokes. You don't come here so I can tell you jokes. You come here out of abject ignorance of all of the better stuff the Internet has to offer. But you're here, and I've got all these jokes, so you might as well get comfortable. * * * So Jesus walks into the Holiday Inn and lays three nails on the counter. He says, "Can you put me up for the night?" * * * A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'" St. Peter is impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago." * * * Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when Dracula runs from the woods and jumps onto their car. The driving nun says to the passenger nun, "Quick, show him your cross!" The passenger leans out the window and screams, "Dracula, get your ass off this car now!!!" I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I am against animal testing. They get all sweaty and give the wrong answers. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. Why were only 49 states represented in the "Miss Ebonics" competition? Because no one wanted to wear the banner that said "Idaho" What do you call a dog with metal testicles and no back legs? Sparky. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why didn’t Hitler drink tequila? Because it made him mean. Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was you age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day. Son: Yeah, Well, when Abraham Lincoln was your age he was President! How many synonyms does it take to change a light bulb, to replace it, to reinstate it, to substitute for it, to exchange it, to swap it, to put another it its stead... Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning. Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco. She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab. So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back. Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money. He said, "I vasn't goin' to send a dollar ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas." * * * Sven and Ole are fishin', and Sven asks Ole-"Vat's dat ting ya got dere?" "It's a termos", says Ole. "Vat's it Do?" "Keeps hot tings hot and cold tings cold." "Vat ya got in der, Olie?" "2 cups a coffee and a popsicle for later". * * * A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," says the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're dammed right it is! That's why I want it lowered!" * * * At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an X at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive." * * * A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smooth. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" * * * There are more. A lot more. But I'll save some for another day when I'm too busy to write an actual entry. Today's best search phrase: "Kids, beaten up, clothes, Beaten OR up, OR clothes 'Kid gets beaten'." There's not enough [sic] in the world. posted by M. Giant 6:01 PM 0 comments 0 Comments:
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