M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Wednesday, March 03, 2004  

Humpblog (3/3/04)

I finished the screenplay and got it submitted to Project Greenlight with a day to spare. It came in at 108 pages long, practically dead in the middle of the qualifying range for length. And it's decent, I think, considering the schedule I banged it out on. It does have its flaws, but it's not terrible. I can say that with confidence after having read one of the other entries. I now know from terrible.

* * *

Jokes! Give me jokes! I need jokes and I need them now!

I put out this appeal not because I'm tired of this site not being funny (I still haven't figured out what to do about that), but for my job. We're doing our annual Joke Show in April, and the boss wants, like, ten thousand new jokes to sift through. And it's my job to get them.

Help me out here. If you heard a new joke this year that you'd never heard before, pass it on. We're especially looking for jokes in these long-revered categories:

- Light bulbs

- Knock Knock

- Blondes

- Ole and Lena (or Minnesotan)

- Engineer/Programmer

- Guy walks into a bar

- Miscellaneous

Preferably nothing salty, ribald, raunchy, blue, filthy, off-color, or anything that will get us in trouble with the FCC. Saucy is fine. Insouciant is fine, too. Whatever-the-adjective-form-of-innuendo is will be okay. General rule: send jokes you can't tell your grandma, but not jokes you can't tell your mom. Unless they're both hippies, in which case your judgment on this kind of thing is probably totally sideways anyhow. Just send them all and I'll sort them out.

I can't promise anything in return. If I get a lot, I can't even promise that I'll respond to each one. I certainly can't promise that your joke will get on the air. But what if it does? Won't you feel cool?

* * *

Overheard at our house during the Oscars:

"Aren't they going to tell us what that guy won his Scientific/Technical Award for?"
"I think it was for raising Brother Caleb's barn."

"Accepting this award for The Return of the King: producer and director Jake Blues, and co-producer Faerie Princess."

"What is that instrument Sting is playing?"
"I don't know. Maybe at the end of the song something will pop out of it."

"You know who's conspicuously absent this year?"
"Ian McKellen's boyfriend."

* * *

So, a couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I've got a book coming out. I was thinking it might be amusing to tell you that it really has nothing to do with anything you've ever read here. That it's not a novel, or a memoir, or a collection, or an anthology, or even non-fiction. That, technically, it's not even a book.

In fact, I could tell you it's a play. Yeah, that's it. A full-length play, intended to be performed on stage. And not something Kushneresque, or Stoppardian, but like something even further back in the dramatic canon. Like, seventeenth century or something. Like, I'd try and tell you that I sat down and wrote something…what's the word? Jacobean. One of those bloody post-Shakespeare revenge tragedies where everybody dies.

But then I'd have to go all the way. I'd have to somehow convince you that the thing has five acts and practically no stage directions, and it's written in verse, in period language, and most of the scenes end in rhyming couplets, and characters don these transparent disguises that actually fool the other characters and sometimes speak in asides to the audience and use the word "meet" as an adjective. But then, just when you think you've got your footing, I'd add another layer of unlikelihood to this already creaking wedding cake. For instance, I could say that the lead characters of this supposed imagined hypothetical play are…women. Which would never happen, because back then women were played by teenage boys who couldn't be trusted with too much dramatic heavy lifting.

A neo-Jacobean feminist revenge tragedy. Yeah, that's the ticket.

But trying to pull off a scam like that would leave me in kind of an awkward position, because what I just described is exactly what it is. Seriously. No, seriously.

Available this spring: The Sisters' Tragedy: An Anachronism in Five Acts from Paper Frog Productions, an imprint of Windstorm Creative Ltd. By me.

Watch this space for ordering information, because I'm a big, big whore.

* * *

Today's best search phrase: "Dance marathon scrub pants." If that's not a sign that the clothing industry is getting too specialized, I don't know what is.

posted by M. Giant 4:36 PM 0 comments


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