M. Giant's
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Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks


Saturday, January 31, 2004  

Reader Mail, Episode XXI

This is a bad month for reader mail. Not because I didn’t get any, because I got plenty. It’s the old ones I’m upset about.

See, I was saving all my reader mails in a separate Hotmail folder, but that still ate into my total storage capacity. So then I set up a different account and forwarded a bunch of my older reader mails over there. That worked really well. I just had to be sure and log into the other account every thirty days, otherwise it would be shut down and all the messages would be cleared. Erased. Wiped from existence. Deposited into the big bit bucket in the sky.

You see where this is going, don’t you?

What really hurts is that I was going to go through all of those e-mail addresses one day and figure out where you lived and come to your houses and thank you in person by tapping on your bedroom windows at three in the morning. Now I can’t. Thanks a lot, Microsoft. And my readers thank you too. Maybe next month I’ll just add comments and be done with it.

But not this month. Obviously it’s been more than thirty days since I cleared out my reader mail folder, so January is still intact. Let’s get into it before we all start crying.

The biggest response came from the entry about the Spanish-language tapes. Like this message is from Sayer, who I suspect is so named because he’s really good at saying things. As you will see:

You think Spanish language tapes are insane? Try Greek! It started out teaching "I want a room with a view of the sea. I want some bottled water." Whoooaa, slow down kiddies. Shouldn't we start simpler? Like with: "Hello. I am an ugly American." Then we can transition to our list of demands culminating in an urgent call to Dubya to declare war, I tell you war, on them there unwashed heathens!

As for New Year's resolutions, I resolved to make a valiant effort to cut down on my voluminous use of foul language. There would be no more swearing round these parts! Within 2 hours on day one (yes day one) my father went into complete heart block and then cardiac arrest and was resuscitated by EMS. There were f-bombs all over the place. It was like a convoy from Baghdad gone astray through an outdoor market in the West Bank. God has spoken. I know resolve to swear my mofo ass off this year. I can even do it in Greek: Εσείς κολÎÏ?ο κοτόπουλου χαδιοÏ? Ï€Ï?οβÎτων (You sheep-fondling chicken-choker!). It is always good to say that from at least a continent away.


Or from inside a van full of patio furniture, as the case may be.

As for my father, he survived to everyone's complete shock, and is doing well in rehab.

Glad to hear it. I credit the f-bombs.

I’m pretty sure Sayer has e-mailed me before, by the way. Hmm. If only there were some way I could check, Microsoft.

I didn’t get as many birthday e-mails this year, probably because people correctly figured that that angle was more than admirably covered. But I also got this question from Mary Ann:

I have a question for you.... What happens forty weeks before this one that causes so many people to be born between January 16 and 21? I know why I know handfuls of other people born the last week of March, we were all conceived on the Fourth of July. Why so many people the second week of January? I'm hoping as one of them, you may be able to tell me.

I celebrated my birthday at the bowling alley, and there were three other people there that night with the same birthday as me. And those were just the ones who had told our waitress. So there might be something to this.

My theory? Taxes. Early April rolls around, people run the numbers, and they freak out.

“Shit, I need more deductions. I’m going to take a bath next year.”

“Unless you take a bath with me right now, hot stuff.”

“Sold!”

Reader Mail is about you, remember, so I have a very strict rule about gratuitously putting up e-mails that are complimentary to me. That rule is that I’ll do it as soon as I get one. And here it is, from manok, in a message that came in four-point type:

You have a way with words, M.Giant. Is all. Hope you best. I don't care if you got blinded by reading this small font size. I like blinding people.

Man, don’t let Tom Ridge catch you saying that. Actually, now that I think about it, that might explain the small font size.

Today’s best search phrase: "Calvin pissing on Clear Channel." Normally I hate those urinating Calvin stickers, but I could probably get on board with this one.

posted by M. Giant 8:35 AM 1 comments

1 Comments:

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By Blogger james, at November 4, 2008 at 10:58 PM  

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