M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Wednesday, November 26, 2003  

Humpblog (11/26/03)

Welcome, TWoP Survivor recap readers! If I’d known you were all coming I would have straightened up a little. Big thanks to Miss Alli for the lovely shout-out. You should check out her site too, if you haven’t already. It’s really good and I hear she has a keg over there.

As long as you’re here, this is what Strega was talking about in last spring’s Angel recap. I still get traffic from that sometimes, and they must wonder what’s going on. Which might also be the case this time, but I’ve done what I can.

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It generally isn’t hard to come up with something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. If you live in Canada, you can be grateful that your Thanksgiving is in October, before winter socks you a good one. If you live in the U.S., you can be grateful that you don’t live someplace where winter has already socked you a good one. And if you live in Minnesota, which gets screwed both ways, you can generally be thankful that you’re not being tortured in a North Korean prison. And even if you are, Thanksgiving is probably going to come and go without your knowing about it anyway. This year’s even more of a no-brainer for me because I’m now getting a salary and benefits for writing comedy. So, you know. Duh.

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I just heard about something called a turducken. Aside from being a flagrant violation of a rule I have about eating anything with the word "turd" in it, how does someone come up with the idea of serving a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey? I am not making this up. Is just one dead bird with bread up its ass not enough vicarious humiliation for you?

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This is an old link, but then again, this isn’t a real blog. Before you buy one of those printer ink cartridge refill kits, read this. Actually, read it anyway. It’s funny.

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Back in the eighties, there was this big push to get people to start wearing seatbelts. And I guess it worked, because it seems like back then most people didn’t and now most people do. Even on TV. Compare an episode of The Dukes of Hazzard to an episode of Moonlighting and you’ll see what I mean (not that that’s the only difference). As I remember, the centerpiece of the seatbelt campaign was a photo of a highway patrolman, looking as sad as the captain on Law & Order: Sex Police, with this caption: "I’ve never unbuckled a dead man."

I haven’t seen or heard that slogan for a very long time.

There were two possible explanations for that slogan, if it was ever true. One is that even an accident that turned your car into a scale model of a Frank Gehry building and required the jaws of life, a can opener, and a centrifuge to separate you from it would have no power over the immortality-bestowing talisman of your seatbelt. The other was that nobody wore seatbelts anyway, so it was like saying "I’ve never pulled out a dead man in a full suit of armor."

Or maybe he just used scissors.

Now I know which one (or which two) it is, because I recently heard a statistic that seatbelts only reduce traffic fatalities by something like fifty per cent. And that a certain percentage of people killed in car accidents weren’t wearing seatbelts, and the percentage was less than one hundred. I’m still going to keep wearing my seatbelt, if only because the way I drive I’d rattle around like a BB in a basketball without it, but now I know that dead people are getting unbuckled all the time.

Happy Thanksgiving! Drive safely!

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The Diarist Award finalists for this quarter are up, and while I’m not one of them, there is a lot there to make me happy. There are well-deserved nominations for people I’ve met in person, like Monty and Anna Rain and Sundry and Chiara and Mo and Invincible Girl and Emily, and people I’ve only e-mailed with, like Robin and pamie. Some of them are even up against each other, which makes me marginally less happy, but only marginally.

What makes me a little bit more less happy is that my wife Trash isn’t a finalist. I got an e-mail a few weeks ago notifying me that she was nominated for Best Guest Entry, along with her grad school buddies CorpKitten and Chao, for New York Stories Parts 1-5. However, that category doesn’t appear on the finalist page. I can only assume this means there weren’t enough other nominees to make up an actual category. That’s what happened the quarter that I was on the awards committee. There was only one Best Guest Entry nominee, so we eliminated the category for that quarter. Nobody else on the committee seemed to care that I was the one who’d nominated it.

Assuming the same thing happened this quarter, what this means is that my wife and her friends were the only nominees, which is as good as getting the actual award, except that now I don’t get all the extra traffic from the finalists page and don’t get to put that little graphic in my template. So it’s not really as good at all for me.

I’ll have to make it up to my wife and her friends some other way. Their award will be remembered along with other non-awards like the one for the guest entry I nominated, as well as the non-Oscars for Beauty and the Beast and Andy Serkis. You go vote. Seriously. Go on. We’ll be okay.

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Today’s best search phrase: "Buy Novocaine for numbness." Dude, I’ll promise you right now that that’s never going to cure it.

posted by M. Giant 1:17 PM 0 comments


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