M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Thursday, October 30, 2003  

Junk Mail Slot, Episode I

My spam has been a little surreal the past month. For instance, this from some webmaster somewhere, presumably where they don’t have English as the primary language:

Dear Portal Administration!

Excuse me, have we met? I like to get to know a person before I let them call me Portal Administration.

I have recently come across your site and liked it very much.

Oh, thank you. My friends just call me PortAdmin.

I suppose that the visitors of our resources belong to the same social group and my site could be useful for your audience so I suggest to exchange our links. This will help both of us to increase Link-Popularity and accordingly get top positions in many searching system, Google for instance.

Sounds good to me. This whole Damn Hell Ass Kings thing has worked out splendidly for me, so I’m open.

My site is dedicated to guns.

Oh, yeah. Mine too. All guns, all the time, that’s my motto. There’s no funny without firearms.

Seriously, though, what does this person know about my site’s visitors that I don’t? Y’all aren’t shooting each other out there, are you? That might help to explain the frequent craters in my traffic stats.

I hope that our subject as well as your site info will evoke mutual interest of our visitors. If you are positive to cooperate with me will you please visit this page to leave your link: [link excluded]

And if not, you’ll come and shoot me? Actually, even if I’m not about to trade links with an online gun nut, I can appreciate his way with words. And after you read this e-mail, so will you:

Hello love Scribblerx!

Hold on. Did I say you could call me love Scribblerx? And by the way, do you have a gun?

I'm fully confident you have nuisances with permission to [random porn link excluded]?

Wow, it’s true. Confidence is sexy. Especially as it relates to nuisances with permission.

Test this correct page for access: [similar random porn link excluded]

Now that’s confidence. They figure that the only reason I haven’t visited their porn site is because I had the wrong link the whole time. Here I am, with no way to get porn, what with there being no porn at all anywhere else on the Internet, and they come to my rescue with their little BabelFished e-mail. And finally, the bonus:

P.S. Today all is Extremely Free for you Scribblerx! Truly yours, great supporter.
Superb hurried international windfall from Erica or your friend and comrade Den Wlliamson. To remove from this first-class rapid overall tips, send any email at 100% Free here love Scribblerx: [e-mail address excluded]

I’m not referring to the Extremely Free-ness when I’m talking about the bonus. I’m talking about the language. Writing like that isn’t easy to find. Or so I thought, until this came over the transom a couple of days later:

Dwarfs black does white soccer moms sweet little things. All varieties of strange and wacky exhibitions for you the insightful art admirer.New material daily is our mantra.Bits of this are quite possibly outlawed in your town.Remember we warned you:)We hope you like what you see and look forward welcome you our members-only site.

My only question is, what kind of translation software gets the phrase “insightful art admirer” from the word “porndog?” Okay, that’s not my only question. My other question is, why is the entire text of the e-mail a hyperlink?

Finish being appraised of our info.

I’m finished, thanks. Couldn’t eat another bite.

Any feedback please don't wait to let me know.
Thank you,
[Name and e-mail address excluded]

No, [Name excluded], thank you. Also, super karate monkey death car.

Today’s best search phrase” “’I dig your mom’ + t-shirt.” I don’t have such a T-shirt, but I kind of wish I did. It belongs to my friend Chao. I do, however, have a T-shirt that says “Mullet-Free Since ’93,” which came from Chao. If you spotted me in it at JournalCon and were overcome with desire (for the shirt, pervs), click on the link marked AUH7 in my “links” section and get your own. From Chao, of course.

posted by M. Giant 5:46 PM 0 comments


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