M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Wednesday, August 13, 2003  

Citizen Giant

While I’m very excited about my new job, I must admit that there were a few minor issues I had to make my peace with. One is that it’s going to be a longer commute, and Trash and I won’t be able to carpool any more. Another is that there won’t be quite as many places to get lunch in the new place, although that may end up being a mixed curse. Bu the main drawback of accepting this job is that now I don’t get to be the governor of California.

To be fair, there were other factors preventing me from pursuing that job. One is that I don’t live in California. But given some of the other candidates in the race, that seems like a minor quibble. There’s also the fact that I don’t understand most aspects of public policy or economics. So that would have been to my advantage. I was all ready to buy a hat, head down there, and throw it into the ring, but I had to stick around home in case I got called in for an interview. Obviously I made the right choice, but if I’d managed to miss out on both my dream job and the California statehouse, I would have been pretty owly.

I’m not going to say Arnold’s going to get thumped; I live in Minnesota, remember? We had four years of local and national news media referring to our chief executive by his stage name. If nothing else, two months isn’t a lot of time for a star as big as Arnie to morph into a political candidate, which, judging from what the hardcore political geeks on both sides are saying about the guy, is probably to his advantage. But if he does plant that huge face of his into the California soil and Gray Davis doesn’t survive the recall anyway, it won’t take that many votes to win a plurality. Hell, Davis won a regular old vanilla election last year with something like one out of every ten Californians even being arsed to vote for him; I could probably make a decent showing if y’all registered to vote in California and pulled the lever for me.

But of course you can’t because I’m not on the ballot. Unless you write me in. Man, how embarrassing would it be for those hundred-and-some candidates to get beaten by a write-in? Not that you should do that, because, like I said, I’m happy about my job.

But if I weren’t—If I were still looking at an indefinite future of tapping on glass doors because I forgot my security badge again—I know how I would set myself apart from the current field of candidates. I would make a campaign promise. A no-lose campaign promise, in fact. If I kept it, I’d be that rare politician who actually keeps promises. If I didn’t, I’d go down in history, and nobody would be able to blame me for my failure.

I would promise that while I was governor, no significant part of California would fall into the ocean.

Now obviously this would require some accompanying caveats. Beach erosion doesn’t count, for instance. If someone kicks a rock or a seashell into the surf, I can’t help that. Mudslides should not be held against me. Islands are on their own. But if I get to the end of my first term and the San Andreas fault has not become coastline, I will have been the best governor in California history!

And when reelection time rolls around, who’s going to want to take the chance on voting for some other clown and waking up underwater a week after inauguration? Nobody who loves their children, I’ll tell you that right now.

This may some foster some division in the electorate. Any Lex Luthor types who have bought up major tracts of inland real estate will be likely to oppose my policy. They may even run for office themselves. Let ‘em try, I say. I’ve already demonstrated that I’m not afraid to compare them to Lex Luthor. Their kind of attitude is completely out of touch with the electorate and the realities of California, and as long as I’m occupying the Governor’s Mansion in Los Angeles, all of my constituents from Vancouver to Portland will know it.

But of course, this entire discussion is academic, because I’m not on the ballot. I don’t even particularly want to be. This time. But for the next recall, I’m seriously considering taking some vacation days and going out to make a run at it. I just hope I will have accrued enough time off by Christmas.

Today’s best search phrase: There were a lot of variations of the same search, which led me to conclude that the last episode of The Osbournes raised the question for some people as to whether Jack had really killed one of the dogs. And Google is leading those unfortunate people to me. I don’t know anything about that, but if the next Star Wars movie has a George Foreman Grill in it, I’m going to get mad traffic.

posted by M. Giant 3:23 PM 0 comments


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