Velcrometer
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks
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M. Giant's Velcrometer Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks |
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Thursday, July 31, 2003 Reader Mail Slot, Episode XV When I took a shot at Ann Coulter a couple of weeks ago, I figured I’d get a lot of e-mail correcting me on the error of my ways. And I did indeed. Just not about Ann Coulter. From: Jennifer Subject: Cecilia Without raining on your parade excessively, it's, like, a metaphor; Cecilia is the patron saint of music. So, like, it's about the whimsical comings and goings of musical inspiration. I still think your entry's funny, though. Fortunately for me, funny and dead wrong aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. Tom, on the other hand, has an entirely different theory (I think): Don't you, um, know WHY he gets up to wash his face? The clue is, I think, in the previous line. Let's just say that not all glazed donuts come from Krispy Kreme. Huh? What’s that? I don’t get it. Is that another metaphor? I’m not good at those, you know. Maybe Kathleen can clear this up: When I was a kid listening to "Cecilia", I kinda got the feeling that it was a "dirty" song, but didn't know why. Hey, I was 5 at the time. As I got older, I figured out that ol' Paul was singing about SEX. Yeah, that was the dirty part. Except no. The dirty part is that he's singing about *oral* sex. Yep. That's why he needs to go wash his face. Ah, now I get it. But I still have to say that in light of how quickly Cecilia had his replacement lined up, he couldn’t have been doing a very good job. And aren't you glad to have total strangers writing to you about Paul Simon's (alleged) sexual practices? Yeah. I thought so. Why do you think I started this site in the first place? Meanwhile, Chris comes to Paul Simon’s defense: You can't fault a man who eventually learns to say things like, “A man walks down the street. It's a street in a strange world - maybe it's the third world, maybe it's his first time around. Doesn't speak the language, he holds no currency - he is a foreign man; he is surrounded by the sound, sound, of cattle in the marketplace, scatterings of orphanages... He looks around, around, he sees angels in the architecture; spinning in infinity, he says, ‘Amen, hallelujah!’”, and make that sound like music. I can’t fault “You Can Call Me Al.” But I think I can fault a man who says he’s going to “stand guard like a postcard of a golden retriever.” Like we’d all feel safer if only Paul Simon were pinned to our refrigerators with cheap magnets. But enough abiout Paul Simon. People did e-mail me other helpful tidbits this month, after all. In fact, readers fell all over themselves providing helpful information for myself, other readers, and often both. Like these helpful hints from Erin: First, fun fact about cat urine: it foams when it comes in contact with bleach. I lived with a cat once who had taken to peeing on the kitchen counter, and my roommate attacked the spot with some bleach once, just to see what would happen. My other roommate, who actually owned the cat, swore up and down that there was no way her cat would pee on the counter, so every time he did it, we proved it by pouring a little bleach on the counter and watching it foam. Seems like you could have solved the problem a lot faster by pouring bleach directly on the cat. Oh, pipe down. I’m kidding. Erin has more, you guys. Put your weapons down and listen to Erin. Also, to Springfield resident BlackDove, the reason that the Basketball Hall of Fame is in Springfield is because the game was invented by James Naismith, and the first ever game was played at a Springfield, MA YMCA. Reader Mail about Reader Mail. We’re through the looking glass now. I also got handy tips from Vicki (Book 10 in the saga of the Baudelaire Orphans is due to be released in September), LaCrosse Dude (I use IDZap at work to help me get to sites I am unable to regularly view. [Sadly, that’s blocked too]), and Brad (who says I should buy the 1998 “Collector’s Edition” of X-wing, if I can find it). And Kristi, Amanda, and DragonAttack informed me that EEGAH! didn’t impress the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 any more than it did Chao. People, this whole Reader Mail thing was originally designed so I could answer your questions, not vice versa. Don’t think I’m not appreciative, though. If you guys continue to be so helpful, I’ll be able to stop sending those checks to Google every month. Speaking of the Baudelaire Orphans, this month I read an entire novel called The Basic Eight before I realized it was written by the guy who is Lemony Snicket. Weird. Rick also has something to share with all of us who regularly visit Blogger sites: Ok, so I fire up the browser and go to get my daily fix of Velcrometer. The page pops up and I think you've sailed off the edge into a Bible-thumpin' wasteland. I quote: "A mega-site of Bible, Christian and religious information & studies" and (my personal favorite) "ARE YOU READY TO MEET JESUS?" Just a little tip for you and all your readers: blogpsot.com and blogspot.com... NOT the same thing. Interesting. I did a little further research to find out if this is true of all sites with “blogpsot” in the URL. Looks like it is. And since Blogger has over a million clients, checking them all took me pretty much the whole morning. What I don’t know is how this person figured out how to redirect every instance of that particular mistyping of “blogspot” to himself, whatever else the user may have typed. And whether such an endeavor is dishonest. And whether God would approve. I’m sure my readers will tell me, though. Ooh, look! A question! From Josh! What's with your vocab, man? Are you trying confuse your readers from Indiana? Ah, sesquipedalian, an etymological shibboleth. I can't afford to go to my community college and brush up. Thank God for Dictionary.com. Maybe you should put up a link... (I'm not complaining; it is just a suggestion.) As I told Josh, I find that the frequent use of two-dollar words lands me in more Google searches, and you’ve seen the results of that over the past week or so. It’s also why I post so assiduously and try to stay mercurial in terms of subject matter. First person who gets that reference gets to be first in next month’s reader mail. posted by M. Giant 3:20 PM 0 comments 0 Comments:
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