M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Friday, July 11, 2003  

Pirates of Kalamazoo

A banner ad just popped up at the top of my browser featuring the smiling face of a bespectacled, businesslike woman and the caption “Reliable Hos.”

A minute later, the other half of the ad loaded, revealing that it was actually offering “Reliable Hosting.” Kind of a shame, really. I understand that some members of that industry are a little on the flaky side, but she looked pretty reliable. As hos go.

* * *

When Trash went to New York City last month, I stayed home and painted the second bedroom. I figured it would work out to my advantage because I could probably get a good guest entry out of her (and don’t tell me that some of you don’t keep coming back here in hopes of a guest entry by Trash. Liars).

It worked out even better, because I’m getting several. Trash met up with a couple of her friends from Librarian School for the Special Libraries Association Conference. CorpKitten from Kalamazoo and Chao (previously mentioned in these pages under the pseudonym The Engineer, and no relation to AB) from the Quad Cities have each agreed to take on a segment of the trip and recount it for publication under this URL. That should be happening next week. In the meantime, here’s a brief introduction to our principals, in the form of an IM conversation.

First, here are a few things you need to know, just so this isn’t too inside jokey:

Mad Gab is a game in which you read what seem to be nonsense phrases like “Eye Needle Ax Eight If” and translate them into something that makes sense, in this case “I Need A Laxative.” We discovered that the trick to solving the tough ones is to say them in a pirate voice.

The Rings of Hell are not getting linked to here because some of you are at work. I’m not even going to look for a link. Basically, The Rings of Hell is a terrifyingly complicated metal harness that is designed to be worn under a gentleman’s trousers. Or perhaps in place of them. There wasn’t much in the town where these people went to Librarian School except the school itself and many, many adult shops.

Trash, CorpKitten, and Chao (along with Rockhack and Asian Man) used to attend their Librarian School classes online in chatroom-like situations that allowed them to “whisper” to each other. In theory, they could select specific classmates and send messages only to them. In practice, it sometimes led to mistakes like Chao calling the entire class “Fucking losers.” I’ll tell that story someday.

Also, Chao’s a guy and CorpKitten’s not. I wasn’t sure whether that was clear.

You should be up to speed now. Or so you think.

Trash: Hey -- how is your recap going, mister?
Chao: Slow but sure.
CorpKitten: That's not always a bad thing, you know
Trash: Ahh, that's how we like it, right, CK?
CorpKitten: Yours will be best anyway.
Chao: I'm sure it will be way too long.
CorpKitten: Also, never a problem for us girls.
Chao: The writing I mean, he he he.
Trash: Anyhow, will you be done and ready for comments by next week, Chao? M. Giant is trying to figure out when to have us -- I think he is thinking one per day for a week. So long might be OK. Worst case: Monday night is by itself. We will all be STARS!!!!!!!!!
CorpKitten: Hee. Stars. Everyone already thinks Trash is a major hottie.
Trash: Well, she is...
CorpKitten: I was not disclaiming -- just pointing out the precedent.
Trash: Uh-huh.
Chao: I should be able to be done in the next day or two if I don't get too wordy.
CorpKitten: You mean mouthy, right?
Chao: And just so you know, I keep writing CorpseKitten. It amuses me.
CorpKitten: Heh. I should pick up some black eyeliner.
Chao: Or just dye your hair again and get sick again.
Trash: M. Giant isn't going with that, you know.
Chao: Damn.
Trash: I think he feels it isn't flattering.
CorpKitten: Because, Trash -- that's flattering.
Chao: Exactly.
Trash: Well, true.
Chao: What is [CorpKitten’s] name again?
Trash: CorpKitten. Same, but less dead.
CorpKitten: I have [husband] to thank for CorpKitten. No idea how he got it.
CorpKitten: You realize, you just can't say "trash". It's "Trasshh!" -- like, the way she says "rad!"
Trash: Exactly!
Chao: Oh, that makes a difference… whatever.
Trash: Actually, whenever I end up talking to someone that M. Giant knows through Damn Hell Ass Kings (like Deborah or Wendy or whatever) they always say TRAASSHH!! and then ask how I got my name.
CorpKitten: Hee -- see, it's a given.
Trash: Hey, Chao -- are you still coming up this weekend? We are having super-cool bands play at the Block Party.
Chao: I'm still talking to DiscQueen about that. Let me see.
CorpKitten: Um, wah! Don't bother inviting me.
Trash: Hey CorpKitten – busy this weekend?
CorpKitten: Bitch.
Trash: Seriously, check the airfare. I'll pay half if you can come.
CorpKitten: Yes, yes I am. Oh, double wah. I work this weekend.
Trash: Saaaaddd -- can you call in sick?
Chao: Are we still invited?
Trash: Nice, Chao! But yes. And tell DiscQueen that I actually have cool things to suggest, should you come this weekend!
Chao: Naughty?
CorpKitten: Noooo -- I have to cancel most of my July schedule. I'm in a show.
Trash: What!?!?!?!?!?!
Trash: Which show?
Trash: And why didn't you tell us?
Trash: And when should we show up to see it?
CorpKitten: My friend wrote it. It's a kid's show: Pirates of the Crescent Moon [PDF]. You are so not going to come see it. Uh-uh.
Trash: Whatever -- road trip, Chaoster?
Chao: Heeeelllllllll Yeeeeaaahhhhh!!
Chao: Tell me you wear an eye patch.
Trash: Or a peg leg.
Trash: No, no, tell me that you are something like Tinkerbell!
Chao: Yyyoooooooooowwwww.
CorpKitten: Did I mention the part about no freaking way?
Trash: Whatever, we ignored that part.
CorpKitten: I'm a barmaid.
Chao: Yes!!!! low cut top and everything?
CorpKitten: Fully clothed.
Trash: OK -- but low cut, at least?
CorpKitten: No! Kid's show!
Chao: Like bar WENCH or maid?
Trash: Now I can't wait!
CorpKitten: I'm not even the whore. That part got snapped up by an eleven-year-old.
Trash: When is this show that Chao and I aren't coming to see?
Chao: This is all because of the Mad Gab thing isn't it? Talk in a pirate voice!
CorpKitten: I have two lines. I do NOT talk in a pirate voice.
Chao: Damn!
Trash: This? Is perfect.
CorpKitten: You are so not coming.
Trash: Right, we got it – not coming. So, when is the happy event?
CorpKitten: What's going on this weekend that I'm missing? I already missed drunken skinny dipping last weekend. So suck.
Chao: Hey, I missed that too!
Trash: Chao -- you e-mail her husband, get the dates. I'll distract her.
CorpKitten: Trash, you're whispering skills aren't working.
Trash: Damn.
Chao: Fucking losers
CorpKitten: Seriously -- it's not worth it.
Trash: Uh-huh.
CorpKitten: Chao, your whispering skills are also lacking.
Chao: Screw that, CK. I'll bring flowers and act flamboyant if I have to!
CorpKitten: Heh.
CorpKitten: Fine. First two weeks of August. Nights and weekends. Happy?
Chao: And where?
CorpKitten: Kalamazoo API.
Chao: What is an api?
CorpKitten: Actor Playwright Initiative. Trash has been there, I think. King Lear show? Black box theatre?
Trash: Yes, yes, yes, yes, this gets better each minute
Trash: Ok Chaoster -- we are meeting in Chicago and driving from there. Or maybe I can get cheap air.
That would be even better.
Chao: Hell, I'm up for it
CorpKitten: Just don't freak me out. I've never had lines before.
Chao: Is there dancing?
Trash: And singing?
Trash: Oh -- or mine?
Trash: Wait -- clogging?
Chao: LARPing?
Chao: He he
Trash: Pirates always clog, don't they?
CorpKitten: You both suck. No singing -- it's a straight show. Kate dances on the bar. She's not real happy about that.
Chao: By straight, you mean.....
Trash: I was going to ask that too.
CorpKitten: No singing. No dancing. Just talking.
Trash: Sigh.
Chao: Hey, we're as immature as the next guy.
Trash: More, really, Chao.
Chao: Is there a website?
Trash: With a message board?
Trash: And cast bios?
CorpKitten: Yes, but we're not on it. And no!
Trash: Well, maybe Chao and I should fix that. We could make a site.
Chao: Yes!!!
Trash: “Why we love CorpKitten...”
Trash: Pictures!
Trash: Testimonials!
Trash: Poetry!
CorpKitten: I'm so going to kill you.
Trash: No, you need fans, CorpKitten; it makes or breaks any serious actress.
Chao: PLUS, it's Ribfest the first weekend in August!!!!!!!
Trash: Well, that's it. We need a bus. Hey -- I could bring a kid, CorpKitten, if that would help. Deniece will be 18½ months old by then.
CorpKitten: Ribfest? WTF?
Chao: Hell, let's make some kids.
Trash: Chao, you smooth talker you.
CorpKitten: No. Nooooo.
Trash: Ahhh, suddenly August looks ever-so-good.
Chao: Yes, it does.
CorpKitten: Fine. Party at my house. We need to break it all in, anyway. Promise me you won't screw me up onstage.
Trash: No way, CK. We will be an example to the kids.
CorpKitten: I will be exacting blood pledges that you do not fuck it up.
Trash: Now, by fucking it up, you mean...
CorpKitten: Making me nervous.
Trash: Oh. Right. Should we make prompt cards?
Chao: Like, "FUCK SHIT UP" just before the mosh pit starts?
Trash: Help you with your lines? Maybe we should sit realclose and mouth the lines with you.
CorpKitten: The seats are less than a foot away from the stage. I will hate you forever.
Chao: Now I'm thinking of costumes for Trash and me as well.
Trash: They would have to be in pirate theme.
Chao: We'll have to BLEND, right?
Trash: Exactly!
CorpKitten: I hate you both.
Trash: Oh -- but since we are only in the audience, I can wear something low cut.
Chao: As can I! Maybe the Rings of Hell.
Trash: That isn't right, man.
CorpKitten: Did I mention we're all armed? With actual sharp things?
Trash: Yes, yes, yes.
Trash: Pirate ladies didn't have sharp things.
CorpKitten: Oh yes they do.
Chao: Arrrrghhhh, they have soft things.
Chao: I'm starting every sentence with “Arrrggggh.”
Chao: Arrrrrgggh, I forgot to the last sentence.
Trash: Arrrgggh, CorpKitten is soooo lucky to have us.
CorpKitten: I'm both horrified and laughing so hard I think I wet myself.
Chao: Arrrrrgggh, she IS lucky.
Chao: Maybe I'll make LARGE cards for Mad Gab and hold those up.
CorpKitten: You will behave, yes? This is my friend's first show he's ever written.

For some reason, Trash didn’t save the rest of the conversation, but she explains me that Chao continued IMing while he got on the phone with the theater box office and was both reserving tickets and lecturing them about their website, while CorpKitten was typing “GET OFF THE PHONE! GET OFF THE PHONE!” and Trash was trying to “distract” her by typing “LA LA LA LA.” Neither one of them accomplished her goal.

So it looks like we’re going to Kalamazoo next month. And you’re going to New York with these people next week. I hope you're looking forward to it as much as I am.

posted by M. Giant 4:26 PM 0 comments


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