M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Friday, June 20, 2003  

Gimme Five

What the heck. Why not give this Friday Five thing a shot?

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?

My hair isn’t completely straight, but that’s mostly due to the fact that my head is fairly roundish. If I had a square head, my hair could be used in geometry proofs. Except for the cowlicks. Apprently cows find me very tasty.

I’m pretty sure my hair is naturally long, because it always reverts to that if I leave too much time between haircuts. Having naturally short hair would be a real time-saver, though.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?

It used to have some serious anger issues, but I think with age it has gained some perspective and realized that life is too short to be mad all the time. Now it’s much more mellow and has actually taken up Buddhist mysticism.

There’s a great deal more of it scattered all over the world, I would imagine. If someone went around and collected all of the hair that’s been cut off my head in my life (assuming none of it’s been burned, dissolved, or otherwise reduced to its constituent molecules) and assembled it into some sort of hair golem it would probably stand thirty feet tall. All of which used to be inside my head.

And I bet it would fetch twenty-some dollars, too.

3. How do your normally wear your hair?

I normally wear it on my head. You do mean head hair, right? Just making sure.

Sorry, I’ll be serious. I generally try to keep it fairly well centered. I might slide it over to one side or give it a cocky hip-hop twist if I’m going out clubbing, but I find the default configuration to be the most low-maintenance.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?

There are things I like about my hair. I like how thick it is. I like the crazy bedhead I get that always astonishes overnight houseguests in the morning. I like that it makes the chicks look at me and think to themselves, “what is it about him that the cows find so tasty?” Changing anything might entail losing one or more of those things, and I’m not sure if it would be worth the risk.

Besides, since I don’t have a mirror in front of me this minute, it would most likely look like ass. But since we’re in fantasy-land here, I’ll go with it.

First of all, it would be animated. In other words, I would be able to make it stand straight up to express surprise, or point straight back when somebody’s yelling at me or the music’s too loud, or wave it around to simulate wind on a still day. While I’m at it, I might as well make it prehensile, if for no other reason than to allow me to type faster.

It would also contain a portable DVD player, complete with a screen that folds down in front of my eyes so I never have to watch The Wedding Planner on an airplane ever again.

It would also shed change every time I brushed it. Quarters only, please.

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?

The word “disaster” is kind of strong in relation to what can happen to one’s hair, but I’ll tell you about the two times I came closest to a bona fide “hair disaster.”

I was about six years old. My parents tell me I tried to lick the space heater, and the next thing they knew I was dashing across the living room like a human torch, only with more screaming. Apparently my bowl-cut had gotten a little too close to the heating element. I got halfway down the block before my dad caught up with me and poured baking soda on my head and shoulders. By that time most of the flesh had melted off my skull, leaving flaming gobbets scattered in my path. I spent the next twenty-odd years in various hospital burn units all over the country as my senses and facial features were restored bit by bit, one by one. Today, you have to look fairly closely to see that my skin is actually an advanced form of Saran Wrap™. I had three unsuccessful tongue transplants before they found one that my mouth wouldn’t reject, and I’m still unable to roll my R’s. The years of painful recovery, solitude, and ultimate re-assimilation into society left me so psychologically malajusted that I find myself unable to concentrate on the simplest tasks unless I abduct, torture, and murder a randomly chosen person three times per year.

Also, I got a really bad haircut once.

posted by M. Giant 3:26 PM 0 comments


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