M. Giant's
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Wednesday, April 16, 2003  

My Grass is Ass Part II

So after I raked all the leaves and sticks and acorn fragments and neighbors’ dog’s tennis balls off the back yard, how did my new(ish) grass look? You know, the grass that I planted last year and assiduously nurtured until I had a lush carpet so green that it looked exactly the same through night-vision goggles?

Well, as it turns out, I kind of spiked the ball on the twenty-yard line there. I seeded at the end of May, got some sparse green stubble in mid-June, and figured the hard part was over. I decided to let nature take care of the rest. By August, I figured out that nature is a slack-ass. And when the snow melted, the only evidence that I’d ever put a single seed on the muddy ground was here.

This year, I’m doing it differently. Obviously I’m seeding quite a bit earlier. I read that that’s a good idea, because it gives the seeds time to get settled in and germinate before they have to start baking in the summer heat. Also, the tree in the backyard hasn’t sprouted its leaves yet, so the seeds will get plenty of sunlight before they start roasting. I just hope the snow we’re supposed to get this weekend doesn’t kill them outright.

This is the state I live in. Working outside in a T-shirt one Sunday, firing up the snowblower the next.

In any case, I’m back on my water-twice-a-day schedule. Except I get to skip today, because it’s been raining since last night and all of my grass seeds are getting plenty of water without my help. Or they’re simply riding a runoff stream to where they’ll eventually become a lush green carpet behind the neighbors’ garage.

I was going to skip watering last night, too. The forecast said it was going to rain any minute. Then the sun came out. I figured I might as well take ten minutes or so to hose down my barren plot. Coincidentally, that was the exact amount of time that the sun was out. Shortly thereafter, free water from the sky was landing on top of the water I’d bought from the city. Nature is a puckish slack-ass, apparently.

But another advantage of seeding early is that if this batch gets frozen, drowned, or rinsed clean away, it won’t be too late to try again. Last year my seeds became seedlings in two weeks. I could wait four weeks for these to pop up and still be ahead of last week’s schedule.

But, you know, here’s a question. All homeowners want healthy, green grass on their lawns. Why? It’s not like healthy grass is a neutral color or something. Paint a bedroom that color and see how it looks with your furniture. But for some reason, it looks perfectly normal and pleasant surrounding houses of every hue. I’m not sure how to explain that, but I just thought I’d bring it up. If for no other reason than to preemptively make myself feel better if this year’s grass crop fails as badly as last year’s and I’m left with that grim spread of naked dirt again.

After all, black goes with everything.

posted by M. Giant 3:24 PM 0 comments


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