M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Thursday, March 20, 2003  

The Back Page

I’m not thrilled about this whole war thing, not least of all because it forced me to make the decision about whether to convert this thing into a warblog. I mean, I could sit and watch Fox News all day and post links to all the other warblogs and write blurbs about what the warblogs I’m linking to are saying and linking to, but I don’t want to. Why do all that research when I can just keep on making stuff up? Also, I’d suck at it. I may talk a big game, but my grasp of foreign policy, international relations, and geopolitical nuance really isn’t that much better than the President’s.

So instead, I’m going to bring your attention to stories that are being buried by all the war coverage. Just like Gary Condit caught a massive break on September 11, 2001, a lot of stuff that would usually be front-page is being released into the news cycle, but everyone’s too interested in the pounding Baghdad’s taking to pay any attention. So I’m here to fix that, with a few items from page 14B:

 In early May, the Grand Canyon will be closed to visitors and converted to a bombing range. When asked if the uneven terrain would make practice runs difficult, a high-ranking Air Force official explained, “It won’t be uneven for long.”

 Attorney General John Ashcroft, who has come under Democratic criticism for several of his decisions in office, revealed that he is in fact an undercover pinko commie civil libertarian who now describes his policies as “stress-testing the Bill of Rights.” “I can’t belieeeve what you guys let me get away with,” Ashcroft told a sparsely attended press conference. “Y’all should be ashamed of yourselves.”

 President George W. Bush has confessed to the murders of James McDougal, Ron Brown, and Vince Foster. Authorities have declined to arrest the president, saying, “We need to support our commander-in-chief during this time of war.”

 Epidemiologists at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta warn against the impending resurgence of a pathogen that can be transmitted with great speed. The CDC fears that the effects of “Boogie Fever” will be even worse than during the 1970s.

Star Wars Episode III, the final film in the series and the final film in director George Lucas’s career, had its worldwide theatrical release Wednesday. Early box-office receipts have led analysts to project that the film will gross over a hundred dollars.

 The ten largest manufacturers of those little LEDs on the front of your computer monitor have announced that each of these little LEDs contain a tiny video camera with a direct wireless feed to FBI headquarters. Some estimates place market penetration of these LEDs at anywhere between 99.99 and 99.9999 percent. When asked to comment, Attorney General John Ashcroft said, “See? This is what I’m saying!”

 O. J. Simpson’s tireless quest for “the real killers” has led him to an unavoidable conclusion. In a sparsely attended press conference, the former football star announced that the murderer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman was JonBenet Ramsey.

 American television networks ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, UPN, and CNN have been purchased by the Pentagon. When asked why WB was left out of the buy-up, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld explained, “Once we reschedule Buffy, American Idol, and According to Jim, Gilmore Girls can stay where it is.”

There’s a reason I didn’t link to the actual, legitimate news sources for these stories. If you’re vigilant, you may be able to find that reason cleverly encoded into the third sentence of this entry.

posted by M. Giant 4:44 PM 0 comments


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