M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Monday, February 17, 2003  

Be True to Your School

“I think I’d wanna go to third world countries and, like, bathe their children…I’m a mercenary kind of person.”

Melissa on Joe Millionaire, 1/27/03

“The more less confident you are, the worse it looks on you.”

Melissa on Joe Millionaire, 2/3/03

“So the sun setted.”

Melissa on Joe Millionaire, 2/3/03

"Somewhere, Miss Alli is shaking her head sadly and saying, 'I hope everyone already forgetted that Melissa is from Minnesota.'"

Kim on Television Without Pity, 2/5/03

Tonight is, of course, the finale of FOX’s televised ritual of humiliation entitled Joe Millionaire (and how sad is it that I have to specify which of FOX’s televised rituals of humiliation I’m referring to?). Unless, as with last week, it’s not. It’s down to Zora, the substitute teacher, and Sarah, the bondage film star. At the end of the last real episode, Melissa was eliminated. This might have been because Evan (a.k.a. Joe Millionaire) had already gotten what he wanted from her, but I prefer her ejection was a punishment for [Rex Harrison voice]the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue[/Rex Harrison voice]. Not that Evan would have noticed anyway.

In any case, it’s natural that Kim would have sympathized with Miss Alli, a fellow TwoP recapper who, like me, lives in the Twin Cities. They’re co-workers, after all. And Kim would have had no way of knowing that Melissa and I WENT TO THE SAME HIGH SCHOOL.

Yes, Coon Rapids High School in Coon Rapids, Minnesota, the institution that helped forge the incisive and articulate mind behind Velcrometer, also produced a woman whose syntax is fractured enough to one day make her the President of the United States.

I never met Melissa, because she graduated eight years after I did. So I never even went to school with anyone who went to school with her. But we may have had some of the same teachers. In which case they—and especially my English teachers—have some ‘splainin’ to do.

I fact, here’s a thought that keeps me awake nights. My speech coach in high school used to be Garrison Keillor’s speech coach when he was in high school. Imagine that same teacher trying to guide Melissa through an oral presentation of any kind. From Keillor to me to Melissa. How’s that for decline? That is some serious Willy Loman shit right there.

* * *

My former speech coach and I would like to thank whoever nominated my November 8 entry for a Diarist.net award. By some incomprehensible turn of events, it’s now listed as a finalist for Best Comedic Entry. My congratulations go out to the other finalists in this and all the other categories. You should go read them now.

posted by M. Giant 2:38 PM 0 comments


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