M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Wednesday, January 08, 2003  

Remember that TV commercial for Apple from a year or so ago? This asshole asks for a middle seat on his flight. That's not what makes him an asshole, mind you. On the flight, he waits until his seatmates are asleep, then co-opts their tray tables to us as his workstation. He still hasn't quite attained the rank of asshole, but he's getting there.

His seatmates, sensing his invasion of their personal space, awaken in irritation. Does he apologize and put his shit away where it belongs? I wouldn't be calling him an asshole if he did. Instead, he continues noodling away on his banal little home movie of his dog and girlfriend, subjecting the woman next to him to his delusions of cinematic adequacy. She smiles indulgently. I can only assume that she is some kind of seraph because a human being would be flagging down a flight attendant to ask for a parachute at this point. Not that her patience makes him any less of an asshole. Then he asks her, "you like these guys?" and without waiting for an answer, yanks the plug out of his headphone jack, waking the entire plane. That alone is enough to ean him induction into the Asshole Hall of Fame on the spot, but the fact that the song he inflicts on a hundred innocent travelers is "Who Let the Dogs Out" rockets him past "asshole" and deep into "war criminal" territory. I haven't seen the ad in a while. Maybe its run expired, or maybe they realized that "Apple users are assholes" wasn't the message they wanted to convey.

I didn't have to deal with anything that egregious on the flight from Minneapolis to Memphis (and let me just sneak a correction in here; I've realized that Memphis is not in the Eastern time zone. My army of fact checkers has let me down again. Not to worry, I've fired the lot of them). There was the laptop-wielding ophthamologist on Trash's right, a.k.a. the most important person on the plane. There was the eleven-year-old traveling without parents who, doubtlessly, would have informed her that it's not polite to practice kickboxing routines on the seat in front of her. There was the woman behind me who was intent on testing her theory that the most efficient way to lock a tray table into position is with a series of sharp nudges spread out over a one-hour period. There were the two toddlers who had enough wind in them to alternate between repeatedly dashing the entire lenght of the aircraft and perfect their steam whistle imitations. One expects things like this when traveling by air. It would be nice if they could hapen one at a time, though.

More tomorrow. Or maybe not. I'm on vacation, suckas!

posted by M. Giant 2:58 PM 0 comments


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