M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Thursday, October 31, 2002  

Hey, what gives? Am I being so hard on you people that nobody wants to e-mail me any more? Well, too bad. I’m not abandoning the Reader Mail Slot, even if that means I have to start answering spam or, worse yet, making up e-mails again. Fortunately, things arent’t that desperate yet; I got just enough e-mail in October to build an entry out of it today. Of course, some of the October mail is in reference to the September mail, but I’m not exactly drowning in it over here, you know.

For instance, Regan at Somewhere Quiet has solved the mystery of a text-free e-mail I received last month:

Yeah, so that was my friend Adam’s e-mail to you. His explanation to me about it was that since he uses a Mac, his message was superior to the capabilities of your PC. He’s a Mac snob.

Now that you mention it, I think I remember seeing that Mac commercial with Adam in it. I’ve obtained a shooting script, reprinted here:

Adam stands in front of a plain white background.

ADAM: Back when I used a PC, I would always be getting in these long, protracted flame wars with people I’d never even met. It got really time-consuming. I’ve got better things to do, you know? But since I switched, I can vent my spleen once and be done with it. For some reason, the fact that my pissed-off screed comes from a Mac seems to intimidate my debate opponents into silence, right from my opening salvo. It’s great getting the least word.

My name’s Adam, and I’m a heckler.

As you may recall, Adam’s phantom missive was in response to my cheap pot shot at Calvin & Hobbes creator Bill Watterson. Beerzie weighed in on the same topic, presumably from a crappy old PC:

Attack Bill Watterson? You aren't half the creative mind he is, and even on his worst day, you aren't fit to carry his urine to the outhouse. Up Yours!

How's that? Is that what you wanted?

Oh. He didn’t mean it. Damn.

As far as the peeing Calvin stickers, I am pushing for legislation to make them a cause for justifiable homicide in California. (Although the "praying Calvins" are worse.) The demise of the funnies, which I wrote about on my blog on September 3rd is one of the pop culture tragedies of our time. Where are the good strips these days? If you like edgier stuff, I suggest you try Peter Bagge's Hate and Neat Stuff; they are great!

Thanks for the recommendations, and for an excellent reason to move to California.

Bill Watterson wasn’t the only subject that garnered responses. Casting aspersions on St. Anthony sparked this exchange with Lisa:

I feel bad sending you a non-hate letter after that last entry, but I did want to share an Italian superstition about St. Anthony. Apparently, when they've lost something, some Italians will pick up their statue of St. Anthony, take the little baby Jesus out of his arms, and tell Anthony that he ain't getting the baby back until he returns their lost items.

So, there you go -- the next time you misplace your glasses, hold the baby Jesus hostage.

Wow, do all Italians do that, or just the Sicilians?

HA! Actually, St. Anthony's from Padua, so that's where the most insane religio-complex-bunker resides. It's eNORmous, and they have a full multi-media presentation -- during which visitors are more or less barricaded into a room that shoves various full-sized dioramas in and out of the space -- to explain why a man who spent a great deal of time sitting in trees and talking to fish is a saint and not just insane.

See, this is my problem. Even when I take a few paragraphs off from being strenuously inoffensive, nothing I say is as bad as what the readers come up with. You’re all going to Hell, you know.

But not before we answer the mail that actually had to do with things I wrote this month. Hey, I’m doing you a favor. Hell won’t be such a shock after we’re done here today.

Looks like Chrystal’s pissed off for a different reason:

I just wanted to warn you that I'll be suing you for publicly posting my great-grandmama's secret pot pie recipe [October 9] without her consent.

It's the only family heirloom we had.

I can only assure Chrystal that any resemblance between my recipe and her great-grandmama’s is purely coincidental. I’d go into more detail, but my lawyer has advised against it. I will say that with the legal fees I’m racking up, the least Chrystal could do is come through with some actual papers. The suspense is killing me over here.

Finally, Marchelle from St. Paul has passed on a helpful household hint:

You may get this suggestion more than once, but since I, too, have an old house with temperamental fixtures, I've learned quite a few tricks. My kitchen light fixture has the same problem with breaking bulbs, and the solution I picked up was to use half a cut potato to grab onto the metal piece to get it out. It works pretty nicely, and I haven't been electrocuted. Yet.

Well, I wasn’t electrocuted either, but after I cooked and ate the potato I had to spend the night in the hospital. Thanks a lump, Marchelle.

On the other hand, now I have a recipe to send to Chrystal to make up for the one I stole from her family. Maybe we’ll be able to settle this out of court after all.

posted by M. Giant 3:16 PM 0 comments


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