M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Monday, September 30, 2002  

I’ve been writing this site for over six months now, and I have yet to get a full-on, toxic, screen-melting, eyelash-bleaching hate e-mail. I can only take that as a clear indication that I’m doing something really, really wrong.

Maybe it’s because when I complain about something, I tend to go for the easy targets, like U-Haul or Clear Channel. So earlier this month (9/6) I decided to go after Bill Watterson, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes. My inbox was flooded with responses. Or at least it would have been, if my inbox had a capacity of one.

One of the e-mails I got on the subject consisted of the subject line “9/6 Entry.” And that was all. No text whatsoever. I like to think that the message was so corrosive that Echelon, the FBI’s e-mail spying program, stripped it clean away and now the sender is being secretly detained somewhere awaiting his inevitable railroading into a perfunctory show trial before a military tribunal. What? It could happen.

The other e-mail, this one from Ernos, was perfectly nice, sharing some information about the golden age of comics. It also included this sentence:

Watterson pontificated quite a bit on comics as an art form, not just whining about the lack of space devoted to *his* art.

Unfortunately, since the sender was helpful and polite, I don’t feel right about pointing out all of the times Watterson never volunteered to give up his huge Sunday leader panel, thus possibly giving somebody else some breathing space for a change, instead preferring to grab as much real estate as possible so he could have room to create art elaborate enough to camouflage the fact that he was fresh out of ideas. I also won’t mention how Watterson’s refusal to license any C&H merchandise has forced us all to live in a world where the only enduring public artifact of the best comic strip of the late eighties is that picture of its urinating protagonist stuck to the pickup in front of you at the traffic light. In fact, I’ll even give Watterson points for quitting in the same decade that he realized he was tapped out. For examples of daily comic strip artists who failed to do that, I give you…90% of today’s comics page.

So, yeah. Even taking cheap shots at a popular and beloved figure yielded an unsatisfyingly benign response. But I’m not giving up. In October, I’ll explain how Anne Frank was a filthy slut.

Getting back to easy targets, Tim Bratcher has gone above and beyond the call of duty in the war against Clear Channel:

I’m the guy who wrote you about XM being Clear Channel. You know…they are based in SA, and when I pass their corporate headquarters, I make sure to shoot the bird out of my sunroof at their new, shiny building. It makes me feel better, without actually requiring me to do anything… activist-like. Or maybe I’m just a big kid.

ANYWAY, yesterday, I got pulled over because a police officer thought I was flicking HIM off. Yes officer, that’s right, I’m SURE you have a problem with the rowdy Volvo-drivers shooting you the bird…

I simply explained my distaste of all things Clear Channel, and he sent me on my way, admonishing me to not be QUITE so visible about my disdain.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. taught us that civil disobedience and nonviolent resistance can bring about social change. We can bitch about Clear Channel all we want, but things aren’t going to get any better until more people start spending a few nights in jail with Tim once in a while. So get to it! I’ll coordinate things from out here.

By the way, Dr. King was an uninspired dresser. I’m just saying.

I thought someone might take offense at my entry about babies with glasses (9/16), but nobody did. Why won’t any of you think of the poor, defenseless babies? That’s not to say I didn’t get any responses at all, because I did. Like this one from Sam:

Now, as to the question of how to keep the glasses on: kids are always taking adults' glasses off, maybe because they very badly want to wear them. It makes people take them more seriously, after all. I, for one, would be damn sick of everyone cooing, "ooh, whadda CUTE widdo baby!" all day. I'd relish the occasional opportunity to see grown-ups turn and run, screaming in terror from the evil they expect me to wreak upon the heretofore unsuspecting masses. And hey, what's this? I get to wear glasses all day? Rock on!

Actually, that theory rings pretty true. My face has a somewhat youthful aspect, and I can vouch for the fact that all the cooing got pretty old about halfway though my sophomore year of college. Sadly, I didn’t get glasses until it was far too late to scare anyone with them. I had to resort to scaring people with my driving.

Did I mention that babies are evil? Not just babies with glasses, but all babies? Evil, I tell you. Including yours. If you have a baby, consider yourself warned.


Finally, after my entry about M Giant’s Law (9/12), Girl Detective wrote about her method of finding stuff that’s lost (this is actually from her 9/15 blog entry but I’m using it anyway):

Perhaps the Girl Detective method for lost stuff is that if you insure it, you won't lose it. Our life insurance guy says that he's never yet had a claim in all the years he's been selling policies, so apparently for him this even works on lives, not just belongings. But outside of insurance, I've had great luck with the St. Anthony prayer, so keep it in mind the next time you lose something, big or small.

That’s great that the insurance thing works for her. Unfortunately, I lose everything. So in order to pay the premiums, I’d have to sell everything I own. And then I’d lose the money.

Hey, ever wonder why St. Anthony knows where everything is? Maybe it’s because he traffics in stolen goods and he’s trying to fence it. Something to think about.

Okay, that’s the mail for this month. And if you can’t find something up there to get pissed off about, you’re just not trying.

posted by M. Giant 3:27 PM 0 comments


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