Velcrometer Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks
Friday, June 07, 2002
Hey, kids! Want to look twenty years older than your actual age? It’s easy! Just spend two-thirds of your life with a homicide charge hanging over your head. With every waking hour devoted to fretting over the possibility of your eventual arrest, you’ll be able to age at twice the normal rate! And since there’s no statute of limitations on murder, the only limit to your success is the speed and efficiency of the criminal justice system. Take a look at this satisfied customer:
(Extraordinary case. Your results will vary.)
Would you believe this dyspeptic, sexagenarian middle manager is none other than 42-year-old Kennedy relative Michael Skakel? Here’s an artist’s rendering of how Mr. Skakel might look today if not for this revolutionary program:
Just imagine: you can shorten your life and decimate your health by making just a few lifestyle changes! And once you start, you’ll feel the effects every day. Look forward to:
Feeling your bowels turn to a thin gruel every time the phone rings!
Stealing nervous glances at every police officer you pass on the street!
Wondering whether you should come out shooting whenever somebody knocks on your front door!
Calculating how long it would take you to reach the border every time you open the mail!
Budgeting for legal fees just like you currently budget for food and utilities!
Call now to get all the secrets of the amazing Raskolnikov Makeover!
Seriously, would you look at this guy? I haven’t been following the case, so I don’t know whether his conviction today for a 27-year-old murder is fair or not. I didn’t hear all the evidence, so I don’t know if he did it. If so, I don’t feel the least bit sorry for him, especially in light of the victim’s family and their quarter-century search for justice. I’m just saying that he looks like his sentence started 27 years ago. If he’d confessed at the time, he’d be out of the joint by now. Or possibly dead. Either way, he wouldn’t look like this, and everything’s a tradeoff. Like they say, don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Or, in this guy’s case, don’t do the time if you can’t do the time twice.
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BET RED It's ON. The Tomato Nation/Donors Choose Challange is back, and bigger than ever. As always, all ad money in September and October will go directly to the contest.