M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Tuesday, May 07, 2002  

Once when I was a kid, I saw a billboard that has always stuck with me. It said, “Ignore your teeth and they’ll go away.”

I wish.

That was actually my plan for a while. It was going pretty well. I was on track, as they say. Then my wife Trash totally derailed that plan for what I’m sure are totally selfish reasons of her own.

Back in October, I slunk guiltily into a dental office for the first time in…oh, let’s just say it was a while. It was just supposed to be for a teeth-cleaning. By the time the hygienist was done, it felt like my teeth were taken out and put back in upside down.

It was my own fault, of course. I don't think I'd been to the dentist since our current president's dad was in office, so naturally my choppers were getting a litte Austin Powers-y. Here's a tip: if you go that long between cleanings, the next one tends to hurt.

Here's the best part. After the cleaning, the hygienist took this sharp hook and slid it in between my gums and every. Single. One. Of my teeth to see if I have gum disease. Oh, and that? HURTS.

Howzabout this, lady--maybe I should take that hook and see if you have eye disease. Hmm, how would I determine that? Maybe I should see how far I can jam this between your eyelid and cornea. That would be really informative, I think.

Being back in the dentist’s chair brought back a lot of old memories. For instance, I remembered that the back of my skull is too smooth and flat to be an effective tool for burrowing through the chair to escape. My shoulder blades aren't much better. As for my heels, I couldn't say for sure, because my legs were stuck straight out, which meant my feet were a good ten inches above the footrest. I kept expecting the hygienist to start asking me "is it safe?"

Anyway, my teeth had so much tartar buildup that she couldn't get it all in one session and I had to go back for another round. Goody. Naturally, I immediately gave myself a first-class case of OCD and started spending four hours a day brushing and flossing.

Floss and brush every day, kids. Don't end up like me.

Not convinced yet? Fine. More tomorrow.

posted by M. Giant 3:20 PM 0 comments


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