M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Friday, May 31, 2002  

It’s the end of the month, which means it’s time for everyone’s favorite Velcrometer feature, the Reader Mail Slot.

Okay, it’s probably not everyone’s favorite yet, because this is the first one. But I have a good feeling about it.

A few weeks ago, this little blog started getting a lot more traffic for some mysterious reason. Since then, I’ve gotten a number of nice e-mails from thoughtful readers offering their advice and perspectives on some of the things I’ve written about here. I appreciate each and every one of them. But since they were nice, I can’t exactly make fun of them, can I?

Fortunately, they aren’t the only ones who wrote. Observe:

Star wars RROOLZ! You’re sight is bantha poodoo.

As bad as my “sight” may be without my glasses, I assure you that I was wearing them when I saw Attack of the Clones. If my experience of the movie had been limited to the aural level, I never would have made it to the end. Thanks for your concern. In case you’re talking about my site, however, thanks for bringing it to my attention. This’ll be my last entry. Thanks for reading, everyone.

Dear M. Giant:

We read with interest your article detailing your new bowling technique. Coincidentally, we’re looking for bowlers who don’t care about things like form, rules, or decorum. Based on your own description, it sounds like you would be an excellent candidate for our new venture, the Extreme Bowling Tour.

The XBT, as we’re calling it, is going to turn televised bowling on its ear. Frankly, nobody’s interrested in watching people politely take turns playing the game any more. It’s just not good TV. What we propose is Smash-Mouth Bowling, a much more exciting Event that pits bowler against bowler in a full-contact clash of power and personality. All we need is a bowling alley that will let us replace those bolted-down seats with folding chairs, and plenty of on-air talent. That’s where you come in.

If you’re interested in joining this revolution in sports entertainment, please send a five-minute audition video and copies of your medical records to the address below. The video should include footage of you speaking, bowling, and dragging a screaming opponent the full length of a bowling gutter by his or her hair and subjecting him or her to the pinsetter-based punishment of your choice. We look forward to seeing what you’ve got.

Vince McMahon

Thanks, Vince, but I’m only intrested if you’re paying in advance.

I just wanted to say how disgusted I was when I learned about your habit of burning your own lawn refuse. You may not think all the smoke you’re dumping into the air is a big deal, but take a minute to stop and think about all of those “harmless” chimineas that are sold nationwide. There are “literally” tens of thousands of them ending up in private hands every year. You know what? A little smoke from a lot of people adds up. You may not think your own “little” fire makes a difference, but anyone who claims to be “concerned” about the “environment” should realize the impact of the individual. Right now, all over this country, smoke is rising from countless backyards into the air we breathe, and every carcinogenic particle of it makes my job as a pro-pollution lobbyist harder.

After a hard day of trying to restore the God-given right of multinational corporations to burn off Olympic-sized open pools of mercury, dioxins, and sulfuric compounds on their own property, all I want to do is go home, have a few beers, and dump the empties into the incinerator. On my rare weekends off, I just want to drive my Humvee the fifty feet to the cigar club and tell everyone the truth about the Kyoto agreement. But no, I have to be defensive about my chosen profession because everyone assumes that all the pollution in the air comes from those huge smokestacks on the tops of massive poison factories, completely forgetting to take into account the percent or two that’s caused by yard-burners just like you. Well, I’m sick of it. We all have to share this planet, you know. Quit acting like you have the right to treat it as you please.

A Concerned Citizen

Hey, meet me halfway here. Start carpooling to the cigar club and we’ll talk.

It’s obvious I still have work to do around here. I’ve changed my mind about shutting down. You were worried for a minute there, though, weren’t you?

posted by M. Giant 3:52 PM 0 comments


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