M. Giant's
Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks

Tuesday, May 14, 2002  

During my last appointment with the dentist, she was kind enough to observe that I had a really strong tongue. Like, really strong. Freakishly strong. Ever see Anaconda? With the gigantic, sinuous, CGI beastie that could crush the life out of a full-grown human being in mere seconds? She’s talking strong.

For a second I thought she was hitting on me. I had no idea how to respond. Fortunately I was flat on my back with my mouth wide open and had so much hardware in my face that any response--verbal or otherwise--was impossible and therefore not expected. I suppose I could have emitted a throaty, lascivious, Pepe LePew-sounding cackle, but you don’t want to risk offending someone who’s waving a jackhammer around inside your mush. So while the dental assistant was wheeling in the Jaws of Life to keep my Novocaine-deadened-but-still-Herculean oral appendage out of the dentist’s way, I just mentally added this new factoid about myself to the ever-growing list of Things That Would Have Gotten Me A Lot More Dates In High School Had I Known About Them At The Time.

Now, it’s not like I had a clear idea of what a strong tongue could do for a guy back then. But I’m sure other people did. It certainly couldn’t have hurt my hallway cred if word of my superhuman licker had gotten out. I can imagine my fellow students watching me walk by and nudging each other in awe. “Is that M. Giant?” they’d whisper. “The guy with the really strong…you know?”

“I heard he can crack nuts with his tongue.”

“I saw him do pull-ups with it.”

“He used it last week to change a tire without a jack.”

Whereupon I would immediately find myself surrounded three-deep in babes. God knows my Douglas Adams quotes weren’t getting me anywhere.

Of course, general awareness of my mutha tongue would have only gotten me so far. I probably would have gotten any number of first dates, then been utterly puzzled when my one-man rendition of the Hotblack Desiato bit from The Restaurant at the End of the Universe failed to enchant.

Obviously kids today know more about this kind of thing than I did, if last Tuesday’s Oprah is anything to go by. But if you’re a guy in school and you’ve been reading the work of some of my brilliant compatriots the past few days, you know even more than most of your classmates. If you haven’t been reading them, let me give you the bullet: chicks dig a guy who has a mouth and isn’t afraid to use it. So there. Even if you don’t have a lingua stronga like mine. Which you probably don’t, because I’m pretty sure no one does.

Now be careful out there.

P.S. By the way, was it clear that I'm not recommending that anyone try to kiss like an automated car wash? Because that's not what I'm saying at all.

posted by M. Giant 3:32 PM 0 comments


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