Throwing stuff at the internet to see what sticks
Friday, April 19, 2002 Ever have one of those dreams where you're back in grade school? I do. With disturbing frequency, in fact.
So it wasn't entirely shocking when I found myself standing outside a first-grade classroom this morning. Sure, it was disorienting, but I was torn. Because, you know, it's one thing to walk into a first-grade classroom when you're just dreaming. But here I was, wide awake and thirty-two years old, and those two facts made all the difference. I wandered anxiously between the classroom and the main entrance, trying to figure out just where the hell I belonged. I finally resolved my dilemma by waking up.
Yes, I had a recurring dream, but with the twist that in my dream, I knew about the recurring dream, and was dreaming that the recurring dream had finally come true while I was awake, which I really wasn't, but was merely dreaming that I was.
My subconscious is one sadistic bastard.
* * *
Except you didn’t come back to read about my dreams, did you? You came back to see more of my bootleg Trading Spaces transcript.* The beginning of the show can still be found in Wednesday, April 17th’s entry, and the transcript continues through yesterday and into today.
[BEGINNING OF EXCERPT]
INT. OZZY’S HOUSE
PAIGE (Voice-over): Hildi’s team has run into a little trouble.
The neighbors sit on the floor looking sick. They gaze forlornly at the walls, which are clearly not finished. Hildi walks in.
HILDI: Hey! What are you guys doing? You need to finish the walls, people.
NEIGHBOR: We’re out of bats.
Hildi registers shock.
HILDI: Oh, no. Totally out?
OTHER NEIGHBOR: They’re squeezed dry.
HILDI: Okay. Okay. Don’t panic, don’t panic—
NEIGHBOR: We aren’t panicking.
HILDI: I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!
MINNIE THE POMERANIAN sticks her head in the door. Hildi grabs her, bites her head off, and hands her to the neighbor.
HILDI: We’re just going to have to make do with what they have around the house. Use this for now, I’ll find more.
HILDI (off-screen): Oh, puppies! Kitties! Where are you?
NEIGHBOR: What the hell are we gonna do?
OTHER NEIGHBOR: I dunno about you, mate, but I’m gonna do exactly what that mad bitch says.
The other neighbor grabs Minnie and gets back to work on the wall.
INT. THE NEIGHBORS’ HOUSE
Frank is looking at the hole in the wall and trying to calm Ozzy down.
FRANK: Listen, don’t worry about it. We can incorporate it into the design.
OZZY: [unintelligible] design [bleep][unintelligible].
FRANK: I think we’re ready to steam the wallpaper off. Let me show you how to use the steamer.
Frank gives a short demonstration. He holds the steamer against the wall, then hands it to Ozzy. Ozzy makes small, rapid circles on the wall with it.
FRANK: Actually, you need to hold it still so the steam has time to penetrate.
OZZY: I am holdin’ it [bleep]ing still.
FRANK: Oh. Okay. Well, maybe we’ll have Sharon do this part. I’ll just go get her.
OZZY: No, I’ll get her. SHAROOOOON!
EXT. THE CARPENTRY TRUCK
Ty passes the joint back to Jack
JACK: So, have you ever seen Genevieve naked?
Ty cracks up. After a second, Jack does too. They laugh for almost a full minute, then finally catch their breath.
JACK: So, have you?
INT: ANOTHER ROOM IN THE NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE
PAIGE (Voice-over): Sharon and Kelly discuss the assignment that Frank has given them: a large fabric wall hanging.
Sharon and Kelly lean over a large table with a sewing machine set up on it. They shuffle through sections of fabric.
SHARON: Yes, dear?
KELLY: Did you understand a word that sweaty old poof said?
SHARON: He’s not a poof, darling.
KELLY: Do you understand what we’re meant to be doing?
SHARON: Of course, dear.
KELLY: What, then?
SHARON: Weren’t you listening?
KELLY: I was trying, but. You know. Aaaargh.
SHARON: All right, well, this goes here, and then we attach this to…that? I think?
KELLY: What’s it meant to be?
SHARON: It’s abstract, darling.
KELLY: It’s [bleep].
SHARON: Yes, but it’s not going in our house, is it?
KELLY: I hate sewing.
SHARON: How do you know? You’ve never sewn in your life.
KELLY: That’s because I hate it.
INT. THE NEIGHBORS’ HOUSE
PAIGE (Voice-over): With day one winding down, it’s time to check in on the teams’ progress.
Paige enters the room, where Frank is busily painting an elaborate mural of a pastoral scene around the gaping hole in the wall.
PAIGE: Frank? What happened here?
FRANK: Well, we had a little mishap while we were removing the wallpaper.
PAIGE: Uh, yeah.
FRANK: But we’re going to work with it.
FRANK: Well, it’s going to be covered up by this mural, of course. Plus this wall will have a large fabric wall hanging, a framed painting I’ve got Ozzy working on, some hanging lights, a couple of tiers of shelves, a new entertainment center, a few light sconces, and kind of a faux stone wall thing. Plus I’m putting a screen up over here.
PAIGE: And you have to do all that to cover up this hole?
FRANK: No, I was planning on doing it anyway.
INT. OZZY’S HOUSE
Paige picks her way into the living room around the headless bodies of hundreds of bats and the entire Osbourne pet population.
PAIGE: Hildi! What? Is going? On? Here?
HILDI: It’s my design, Paige. Don’t you think it just screams “Ozzy?”
PAIGE: It screams something, all right. It smells like a slaughterhouse in here. Are those their dogs?
HILDI: And cat, yeah.
HILDI: What? Pets are easier to replace than fireplaces, and you didn’t have a problem with that.
PAIGE: Yeah, but…Hildi. Where was Michael during all this? And the nanny, Melinda?
HILDI: Michael stopped by earlier. Melinda ran when she saw me coming.
PAIGE (to the neighbors): What do you guys think of this?
NEIGHBOR: Hildi good.
OTHER NEIGHBOR: Hildi nice.
Hildi beams terrifyingly at Paige.
PAIGE: Okay, well, you’re the designer.
HILDI: You’re [bleep]damn right I am, you flippy-haired skinny little Broadway-ingenue wannabe! You’re not the boss of me! “I’m getting maaaarried. You’re all inviiiiiited.” Get out of my sight, you glorified VJ!
Hildi chases Paige out of the room, then turns to the neighbors.
HILDI: So, you guys ready for your homework assignment?
[END OF EXCERPT]
*In case I haven’t made it clear yet, I don’t really have any such transcript.
posted by M. Giant 11:23 AM 0 comments