M. Giant's
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Wednesday, April 17, 2002  

As some of you may be aware, Trading Spaces is showing its first “celebrity” episode this coming weekend. Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks is going to be on the show. Could be interesting, yes?

Personally, I’m looking forward to a different celebrity episode. I was able to procure a partial transcript of it in advance,* and I thought I’d share some excerpts with you. Here goes:


Moments before the key swap, host PAIGE DAVIS is standing in a driveway with OZZY, SHARON, KELLY, and JACK OSBOURNE on her left. They’re wearing peach-colored Trading Spaces shirts over their usual clothes. On Paige’s right are two of the Osbournes’ noisy NEIGHBORS, in green shirts.

PAIGE: So are you guys ready to Trade Spaces?

NEIGHBOR: Just a second—Sharon, before you go into our house, would you mind terribly putting the ham down?

SHARON: Oh, [bleep]. Alright, then.

Sharon puts down a ham.

PAIGE (laughing): Be nice, you guys. Okay, GO!

Paige hands out keys and everyone dashes off, leaving her standing there with Ozzy.


Ozzy wanders away. Paige looks at the camera like, what the hell?


Designer HILDI SANTO-TOMAS greets the neighbors as they come in to the living room.

HILDI: I am so excited about this room. Finally, I don’t have to restrain myself any more!

NEIGHBOR: Um, what?

HILDI: I mean, Ozzy Osbourne, you know? We can do whatever we want in here! This is such a great opportunity to do something really wild. In fact, to get ready for this project I went off my meds two weeks ago.

OTHER NEIGHBOR (apprehensively): Really?

HILDI: You’ll never guess what we’re going to do.

NEIGHBOR: Glue straw onto the walls?

HILDI: No, I’ve done that.

OTHER NEIGHBOR: Turn the room into a big circus tent with a ceiling that looks like a giant anus?

HILDI: Done that too.

NEIGHBOR: You know, Hildy, we’ve had our differences with them in the past, but we really don’t want—

HILDI: This is a great room, and it’s really big, but you can’t appreciate it because it’s so dark. So the first thing we’re going to do is put a lighter color on the walls, open things up in here and make it a lot more livable.

The neighbors look at each other uncertainly.


HILDI: Here’s the color we’re going to use.

The neighbors cringe as Hildi begins to open a can of paint.

HILDI: As you can see, it’s a really nice, understated taupe color. Very warm, very relaxing.

The neighbors are visibly relieved.

HILDI: So we’re going to put that on the walls, and then to add a little texture…

Hildi reaches into a large wooden box, pulls out a live bat, and bites its head off.

NEIGHBORS: [bleep]!

Hildi daubs the bloody stump of the bat’s neck against the wall.

HILDI: [unintelligible] 'Scuse me.

Hildi spits out the bat head on the floor.

NEIGHBORS: [bleep]!

HILDI: See, to add contrast, and a little drama, we use this daubing technique. It’s adapted from sponge painting. Obviously it’ll look better once we have the lighter color on the walls, but this is just a demonstration.


HILDI: You guys, it’s Ozzy. He’ll love it.

NEIGHBOR: I don’t know…

Hildi lunges at him and waves the headless bat under his nose.

HILDI: See this? This is you if you don’t get this room cleared out. NOW!

Cue high-speed room-clearing shot. The neighbors carry furniture out of the room as Hildi chases them with the decapitated bat.


Designer FRANK BIELEC greets the Osbournes as they enter.

FRANK: So what kind of ideas do you have for this room?

OZZY: Some [bleep]ing soundproofing, for a start.

KELLY: [bleep] yes.

FRANK: Well, we know these folks like to go out dancing, go to the clubs, whatever.

SHARON: Not enough.

FRANK: So I was thinking we’d make their home sort of a contrast to that whole scene. You know, make it more of a sanctuary, so they can come home and—

JACK: Right, I’m off.

KELLY: Hey, if he doesn’t [bleep]ing have to stay here, then [bleep] if I do!

SHARON: Both of you little rotters are staying. Now sit the [bleep] down.

OZZY: [unintelligible].

KELLY: Oh, [bleep] off.

OZZY: Oi! [unintelligible]. Unnerstand?

JACK: Yeah, Kelly.

KELLY: You [bleep] off too.

FRANK: Okay, well, we have a lot of work to do, so let’s start carrying stuff out and we can talk about it as we go.

Cue high-speed room-clearing shot. Frank, Sharon, Kelly, and Jack appear to be carrying items out at super speed, while Ozzy appears to be carrying items with the speed of a normal person. Shot ends with Jack and Kelly flat on their backs in the middle of the empty floor, ostentatiously exhausted.


Okay, I think that’s all I have room for today. I’ll try to post some more tomorrow.

* Not really.

Trading Spaces is the intellectual property of Discovery Communications, Inc. This is a parodic work of fiction; no copyright or trademark infringement is intended or implied. Any resemblance to actual events is totally not my fault. Props to Stee at Television Without Pity for his great recaps of MTV’s The Osbournes. And I’m sure Hildi would never go off her meds without a good reason.

posted by M. Giant 11:22 AM 0 comments


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